Stay Young My Friend
How To Stay Young
We all need to read this one over and over until it becomes part of who we are!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Try everything twice.
On one woman’s tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph:
“Tried everything twice. Loved it both times!”
2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.
(Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)
3. Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever…
Never let the brain get idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’
And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud.
Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh,
spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.
6.. The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love:
Whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever..
Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don’t take guilt trips..
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county,
to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
I love you, my special friend.
11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance…
And if you don’t send this to at least 4 people – who cares?
But do share this with someone.
Remember! Lost time can never be found.
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
Wine does not make you FAT …
- it makes you LEAN …
(Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.)
But remember to limit your wine intake!
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What are you giving up for LENT?
Giving up reading about Toronto Mayor Rob Ford and Ford Nation
and I will even go so far as giving up telling Ford Jokes for Lent.
Giving up looking at Google +
My slice in golf.
Hate to do this but I’m giving up on exercise.
Giving up salads for Lent, NOT Chocolate, Not Ice Cream, Not Beer.
I get the whole sacrifice aspect of Lent, but I don’t think God wants me to be miserable. So there’s no way I’m giving up booze.
My wife. Please take my wife.
Giving up on All GOP politicians.
After much thought, I’m giving up GUILT!
A Catholic fellow and a Jewish fellow were discussing their religious traditions, specifically atonement and sacrifice, Yom Kippur versus Lent. The Jewish fellow asked the Catholic fellow what he’d given up for Lent that year.
The Catholic fellow said, “This year, my wife and I agreed to make the ultimate sacrifice—we gave up sex.”
“Wow!” said the Jewish fellow, “How did it go?”
“The first week, we felt pretty good and holy about it,” replied the Catholic fellow. “The second week was really hard, and by the third week—well, we didn’t make it. One morning, my wife bent over to pick up a grapefruit that had rolled onto the floor, and that was it. Right then and there.”
“Sounds serious,” said the Jewish fellow. “Can you go back to church after something like that?”
“Oh, there’s no problem going back to church,” answered the Catholic fellow. “But I don’t think we’ll be returning to that particular Safeway.”
Anyone else giving up snow?
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Tired of winter yet? Damn that Polar Vortex!
What is the Polar Vortex?
A polar vortex is a persistent, large-scale cyclone located near either of a planet’s geographical poles. On Earth, the polar vortices are located in the middle and upper troposphere and the stratosphere. They surround the polar highs and lie in the wake of the polar front. These cold-core low-pressure areas strengthen in the winter and weaken in the summer due to their reliance upon the temperature differential between the equator and the poles. They usually span less than 1,000 kilometers (620 miles) in which the air circulates in a counter-clockwise fashion (in the Northern Hemisphere). As with other cyclones, their rotation is caused by the Coriolis effect.
The northern hemisphere vortex in the Northern Hemisphere often has two centers, one near Baffin Island and the other over northeast Siberia.The Antarctic vortex in the Southern Hemisphere tends to be located near the edge of the Ross ice shelf near 160 west longitude. When the polar vortex is strong, the Westerlies increase in strength. When the polar cyclone is weak, the general flow pattern across mid-latitudes buckles and significant cold outbreaks occur. Ozone depletion occurs within the polar vortex, particularly over the Southern Hemisphere, and reaches a maximum in the spring.
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Still love this one no matter how many times I receive it. Hope you do too.
The Real 7 Wonders of the World
Tired of the Polar Vortex …. Enjoy the lovely spring flower photography too…
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Olympics has evolved over 2500 years.
Records show that a slave girl from Sardinia
named Gedophamee was attending a great
but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500
years ago in Greece.
In those days, believe it or not,
the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing,
the men imbibed freely on a drink
containing saltpeter before and
throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade,
Gedophamee observed the first wave
of naked magnificent males marching
toward her and she exclaimed:
“OH!! Limp pricks!”
Over the next two and a half millenniums
that morphed into“Olympics.”
Just thought I’d share this new found knowledge with you.
You’re very welcome
Maybe a more realistic explanation of the origin of the Olympics?
late 16th cent.: via Latin from Greek Olumpikos
‘of Olympus or Olympia,’ the latter (see Olympia
) being the site of games in honor of Zeus of Olympus
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Brains of elderly are slow because they know so much.
Well, that’s what I have been telling everyone!
Elderly people have so much information in their brain that it takes longer for them to access it, scientists believe. Older people do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full up, so to do humans take longer to access information, it has been suggested. Researchers say this slowing down it is not the same as cognitive decline. “The human brain works slower in old age,” said Dr. Michael Ramscar, “but only because we have stored more information over time “The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.”
We Are All Brilliant!
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An avid curler from Canada passed away and was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
The man asked, “St Peter, curling has been a big part of my life. I hope they have curling in heaven?”
St Peter replied, “Yes, we have a fine facility. Let me show you.”
They walked a little and entered into the curling club where the man saw a lone person practicing. The curler was wearing a Canadian jersey with the red maple leaf and the name Jacobs on the back.
The man from Winnipeg said. “I didn’t know Brad Jacobs passed away?”
St. Peter replied, “No, that’s God , he just thinks he’s Brad Jacobs!”
I found these really interesting Facts and quotes about wine…..
“In victory, you deserve Champagne. In defeat you need it.”
“Beer is made by men, wine by God.”
Martin Luther, circa 1500s
“Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it.”
“Either give me more wine or leave me alone.”
Rumi, circa 1200?s
“The discovery of a wine is of greater moment than the discovery of a constellation. The universe is too full of stars.”
Benjamin Franklin, circa 1700s
“Life is too short to drink bad wine.”
“Give me wine to wash me clean of the weather-stains of cares”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.”
“Men are like wine – some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.”
Pope John XXIII
“Penicillin cures, but wine makes people happy.”
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Short, Sweet & True Jokes!!!
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
“I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes.”
( I LOVE THIS ONE! )
My wife and I had words,
But I didn’t get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old enough to know your way around,
you’re not going anywhere.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
A woman asks a man who is traveling with six children, “Are all these kids yours?”
The man replies, “No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints”.
Nominated as the best short joke this year…
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
“Mom” he asked, “are these my brains?”
“Not yet,” she replied.
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Hope you can HACK these Curling Jokes, Puns and One Liners?
Q: How do you stop the bacon from curling in the pan?
A: Take away their little brooms.
Q: Why are curlers such good artists?
A: Because they know how to draw!
Q: What’s a curlers favorite kind of food?
One curler to another:
“I’m pregnant with your baby.”
“That’s not possible! We haven’t even swept together!”
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU’RE HAVING A BAD GAME
10. They start pebbling the ice in the fourth end.
9. Your skip keeps saying, “Nice try!”
8. Your opposition starts hanging its score on the next sheet.
7. While you’re in the washroom, your team-mates sneak away to the bar.
6. The Ice-maker starts heckling you.
5. It’s only the third end and already you owe your team-mates six drinks.
4. Your opposition is lying four and your skip wants you to throw your rock through the house.
3. You throw out your knee in the first end and your team-mates don’t even notice.
2. Your sweepers burst into laughter when you release your rock.
1. You score an eight-ender in the second end and you have to throw your last rock to win 9-8.
THE SUNDAY DRAW:
All people who curl instead of going to church meetings will be glad to know that curling is a legitimate religious activity, with scriptural sanction. For example, the Bible .. .. speaks to the beginner who is assigned as Lead: “He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone.” (John 8:7)
.. urges the Second whose Lead has drawn two stones into the house: “Be thou a guard unto them.” (Ezekiel 38:7)
.. confirms a Second’s personal resolution, as his Skip throws a take-out: “I will sweep with the besom of destruction.” (Isaiah 14:23)
.. describes the Vice(-skip)’s shots: “The rocks are thrown down by him.” (Nahum 1:6)
.. and notes the remarks of surprise and joy made by his Skip: “Behold he smote the rock” (Psalm 78:20)
“Their rock is removed out of place.” (Job 14:8)
.. makes only one comment about the activity of the Skip: “Why stand ye here all the day idle?” (Matthew 20:16)
“Real Men sweep the house”
“it’s the beginning of the end”
Curling: We’ll clean your HOUSE!
Curling: A clean SWEEP ’til the END!
Curling: Only TEE on the ICE! (As opposed to beer? I’ll admit that that one’s a stretch…)
Curling: Can you HACK it?
Curling: HOGGING the ice until bartime.
“Late Show with David Letterman featured an Olympic-themed Curling list.
The satirical list was called “Surprising Facts About Curling”
10. Every year it’s watched by dozens of people.
9. Consistently ranked the world’s No. 1 broom-related sport.
8. It’s a lot like hockey, minus the speed and excitement.
7. No No. 7 — writer fell asleep while researching curling facts.
6. Not to be confused with Norwegian sport “Carling” where you push a guy named Carl across the ice.
5. Longest match ever: unknown, because no one ever stays till the end.
4. No No. 4 — writer still asleep. Damn, curling is boring.
3. Mickey Rourke making film about washed-up curling legend who comes back for one last big curl.
2. Thing they slide down the ice is called “thing they slide down the ice.”
1. No one cares.
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