Occasionally, airline pilots and attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”
Pilot – “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land … it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted.”
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
“Last one off the plane must clean it.”
And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry …Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault…..it was the asphalt!”
Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
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How children perceive their grandparents and what Children say about their Grandparents!
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye….
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
“Who was THAT?”
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
“What’s it about?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”
7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She would tell me and was always correct.. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colours yourself!”
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.”
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.” she said. “How do you make babies?”
“It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”
11. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.
“Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child.
“No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.”
A third child brought the argument to a close.”They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
SEND THIS TO OTHER GRANDPARENTS, ALMOST GRANDPARENTS, OR HECK, SEND IT TO EVERYONE.
IT WILL MAKE THEIR DAY!
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Father’s Day is
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Don’t Forget Father’s Day!
What Is A Dad?
A dad is someone who
wants to catch you before you fall
but instead picks you up,
brushes you off,
and lets you try again.
A dad is someone who
wants to keep you from making mistakes
but instead lets you find your own way,
even though his heart breaks in silence
when you get hurt.
A dad is someone who
holds you when you cry,
scolds you when you break the rules,
shines with pride when you succeed,
and has faith in you even when you fail…
- Unknown
A father is someone that
holds your hand at the fair
makes sure you do what your mother says
holds back your hair when yor are sick
brushes that hair when it is tangled because mother is too busy
lets you eat ice cream for breakfeast
but only when mother is away
he walks you down the aisle
and tells you everythings gonna be ok
- Unknown
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Canoe
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework please Dad – I’m stuck!
Dad will never say
Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how ’bout that?… I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude … I like that.
7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies — you know — that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father’s Day? aahh — don’t worry about that — it’s no big deal.
More Cute Father’s Day Jokes and Riddles at:
Great Gift ideas for Father’s Day:
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Happy Father’s Day June 16, 2013
Could Anthony Weiner Actually
Be the Next Mayor of New York?
As a rule, I don’t pass along these
“add your name” lists that appear in emails.
BUT this one is important.
It has been circulating for several weeks and
has been sent to over 20 million people.
(Approximately the number of people in New York City)
To show your support for ANTHONY WEINER FOR MAYOR
OF NEW YORK CITY,
please go to the end of the list,
add your name and forward to
all your friends.
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For Canadians only…
As a rule, I don’t pass along these
“add your name” lists that appear in emails.
BUT this one is important.
It has been circulating for several weeks and
has been sent to over 20 million people.
To show your support for Senator Mike Duffy,
please go to the end of the list,
add your name and forward to
all your friends
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GRANDCHILDREN AND GRANDPARENTS
Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting. ~Author UnknownWhat a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change,
And they give me a million dollars’ worth of pleasure. ~Gene PerretGrandmothers are just ‘antique’ little girls. ~Author UnknownPerfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild.
~ Welsh Proverb
 A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead
Of the television.. ~Author UnknownNever have children, only grandchildren. ~Gore VidalBecoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you’re just
A mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric. ~Pam Brown
Grandchildren don’t stay young forever, which is good because
Grandfathers have only so many horsy rides in them. ~Gene Perret
When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.
~ Ogden Nash
Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see
You all day and now the day was complete. ~ Marcy DeMaree
Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies. ~Author unknownGrandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our
Hearts forever. ~Author Unknown
If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren,
I’d have had them first. ~Lois Wyse
My grandkids believe I’m the oldest thing in the world. And after
Two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. ~Gene Perret
If becoming a grandmother was only a matter of choice, I should
Advise every one of you straight away to become one. There is
No fun for old people like it! ~ Hannah Whithall Smith
It’s such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother – that’s why the
World calls her grandmother. ~Author Unknown
Grandchildren are God’s way of compensating us for growing
Old. ~ Mary H. WaldripYou do not really understand something unless you can explain
It to your grandmother. ~Proverb
An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again.
Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Gene Perret
The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You
Feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long
Periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida . ~Dave BarryI wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have – if only for
Self-defense. ~Gene Perret
Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas
Are short on criticism and long on love. ~Author Unknown
Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do
Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of
Little children. ~Alex Haley
Grandmother – a wonderful mother with lots of
Practice. ~Author UnknownA grandparent is old on the outside but young on
The inside. ~Author Unknown
One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new
Grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather. ~Joy Hargrove
It’s amazing how grandparents seem so young once you
Become one. ~Author Unknown
If your baby is ‘beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses,
Sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the
Time,’ you’re the grandma. ~Teresa Bloomingdale
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string – handy to have
Around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their
Grandchildren. ~Author Unknown
What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I’d like to say
That grandparents are God’s gifts to children. And if they can
But see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they
Can mature at a fast rate. ~Bill Cosby
Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old; it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother. ~G Norman Collie
|
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MURDER AT WALMART
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A ‘friend of a friend’
put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie.’ Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Walmart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However,
unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the
newspaper, the headline declared…
(You’re
going to hate me for this…)
‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Walmart
Oh, quit groaning! I don’t write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.
Gardens are good for you!
Just had a few really heavy rains and I can’t believe how great the garden looks.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
Luther Burbank
It is utterly forbidden to be half-hearted about gardening. You have got to love your garden whether you like it or not.
W.C. Sellar & R.J. Yeatman,
My green thumb came only as a result of the mistakes I made while learning to see things from the plant’s point of view. ~H. Fred Dale (Thanks, Anne)
Gardening requires lots of water – most of it in the form of perspiration. ~Lou Erickson
What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it. ~Charles Dudley Warner, My Summer in a Garden, 1871
There can be no other occupation like gardening in which, if you were to creep up behind someone at their work, you would find them smiling. ~Mirabel Osler
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it. ~Author Unknown
In every gardener there is a child who believes in The Seed Fairy. ~Robert Brault,
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The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done, there were 3
finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the
men to a large metal door and handed him a
gun.
‘We must know that you will follow
your Instructions no matter what the
circumstances.
Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting in a chair
…. Kill her!!’
The man said, ‘You can’t
be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’
The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and
go home.’
The second man was given the same
instructions. He took the gun and went into the
room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with
tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my
wife.’ The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it
takes. Take your wife and go
home.’
Finally, it was the woman’s
turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill
her husband. She took the gun and went into the
room. Shots were heard, one after
another. They heard screaming,
crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few
minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her
brow.
‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ she
said. ‘I had to kill him with the chair!
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