10 Best Tomato Jokes
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I found some of these Tomato jokes to be a little dicey!
What did the macaroni say to the tomato?
Don’t get saucy with me.
Some more tomato jokes that are pretty funny no matter how you slice them!:
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, “Ketchup!”
The Tomato Garden
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his Tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincenzo – I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me. Love, Papa.
A few days later he received a letter from his son…
Dear Papa – I’d do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the bodies. Love, Vinnie.
At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa – Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Vinnie.
Never make love in the garden – the corn has ears
the potatoes have eyes,
and the tomatoes will blush
“How do you fix a sliced tomato?”
“I don’t know. Between a sandwich?”
” No silly…Tomato paste!
Q: What did the sergeant tomato say to the slacker soldier tomato?
A: “You better catch up!”
Q: Why did the tomato go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn’t find a date!
Q: How do you fix a broken tomato?
A: Tomato paste!
Q: Why did Mrs. Tomatoe turn red?
A: She saw Mr. Green Pea !
Q.Why Did The Tomato Blush?
A. Because he saw the salad dressing
Q. Why is a tomato round and red?
A. Because if it was long and green it would be a cucumber!
Q. How can you tell if your tomatoes are drinking alcohol behind your back?
A. They’re Tomato Sauced.
Q. But what if they really, really have been drinking from the vine?
A. They are just Stewed Tomatoes then.
Q. What kind of tomato do you take with you to win big in Las Vegas?
A. Diced Tomatoes.
Q. How do you get rid of unproductive tomatoes?
A. I can ‘em.
Little Johnny was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer’s garden. “I’ll give you my two pennies for that tomato,” said Little Johnny, pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
“No,” said the farmer, “I get a dime for a tomato like that one.”
Little Johnny boy pointed to a smaller green one, “Will you take two pennies for that one?”
“Yes,” replied the farmer, “I’ll give you that one for two cents.”
“OK,” said Little Johnny, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer’s hand, “I’ll pick it up in about a week.”
An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says, “You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day.
Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, “Well, then, that means that you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.
And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.
After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickuptruck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, “What, you don’t have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!”
After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, “Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!”
Moral of this story:
1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don’t have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you’re probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.
If you liked this, you might enjoy this post about Onions: