Archive for September, 2010

Boy Girl Probability Puzzle

A man has two children. One of them is a boy. What’s the probability that the other one is a boy?

Most people think this is the same as: A man has a child, and it’s a boy. He then has another child. What is the probability that the second one is a boy too? The answer to that is 1 in 2, or 50%. It’s like saying: if I toss a coin and it comes down heads, what are the odds that it will come down heads next time? But this problem is quite different.

Type your answer in the comment area and I’ll let you know if you are right or not.

The Hillbillies, Curtis and Leroy – Funny List – How Dumb Are They?

The following explains a great deal about why they have so many dumb adventures.

A few clowns short of a circus…

* A few fries short of a Happy Meal…

* An experiment in artificial stupidity…

* A few beers short of a six pack…

* Dumber than a box of hair…

* A few peas short of a casserole….

* Doesn’t have all his Cornflakes in one box…

* The wheel’s spinning but the hamster’s dead…

* One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl…

* One taco short of a combo plate…

* A few feathers short of a whole duck…

* All foam, no beer…

* The cheese slid off his cracker…

* Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel…

* Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt…

* Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear…

* Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel…

* He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down…

* An intellect rivaled only by garden tools…

* As smart as bait…

* Chimney’s clogged…

* Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash…

* Doesn’t know much but, leads the league in nostril hair…

* Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor…

* Forgot to pay his brain bill…

* Her sewing machine’s out of thread…

* His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels…

* His belt doesn’t go through all the loops…

* If he had another brain, it would be lonely…

* Missing a few buttons on his remote control…

* No grain in the silo…

* Proof that evolution can go in reverse…

* Receiver is off the hook…

* Several nuts short of a full pouch…

* Sky light leaks a little…

* Slinky’s kinked…

* Too much yardage between the goal posts…

* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer…

* Half a bubble off plumb…

* A few sandwiches short of a picnic …

The Law of the Garbage Truck

Hmmm…

Here is a good one! Too many people get angry for apparently nothing or

very little. Consider road-rage and whatever else rage.

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport.

We were driving  in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped

out of a parking space right in front of us.

My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and  missed the

other car by just inches!

The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started

yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy.

And I mean, he was really friendly.

So I asked, ‘Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your

car and sent us to the hospital!’

This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, ‘The Law of

the  Garbage Truck.’ He explained that many people are like garbage trucks.

They  run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of

anger, and full of disappointment.

As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and

sometimes they’ll dump it on you.

Don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and

move on.

Don’t take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at

home , or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks

take over their day.

Life’s too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so…

‘Love the people who treat you right.

Pray for the ones who don’t.’

Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you

take it!

What a great philosophy! An Excellent one!

For another Inspirational story, click on the following:

http://www.e-forwards.com/2010/10/a-beautiful-and-inspirational-story-about-thanksgiving-and-growing-old/

The Hillbillies, Curtis and Leroy and Technology Fail

The Further Adventures of Curtis and Leroy

A  man was in his front yard mowing grass when Curtis and Leroy came out of their house and went straight to the mailbox.

Curtis opened it then slammed it shut and they both stormed back in the house.

A  little later they came out of their house again, went to the mail box and opened it, and slammed it shut. Angrily, they went back into the house.

As  the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, Curtis and Leroy came out

again,  marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled  by their actions the man asked, “Is something wrong?”

To which Curtis replied, “There certainly is!”

“Our stupid computer keeps saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

Curtis and Leroy and Their Deer Hunting Trip

HUNTING

Curtis and Leroy were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. ‘Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.’

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later Curtis said to Leroy, ‘You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!’

Leroy added ‘Yeah, but we’re getting farther and farther away from the truck!’

Curtis and Leroy and the Bank Loan

Curtis and Leroy wanted a loan for $1000. The banker pulled out the loan application, “What are you going to do with the money?”

“Buy old cars, fix them up and then resell them,” was their response.

“What have you got for collateral?”

“What is collateral.”

“Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?”

“Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup.”

The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?”

“Yes, we have a horse.”

“How old is it?”

“Don’t know, it has no teeth.”

Finally the banker decided to make the $1000 loan.

Curtis and Leroy had told a white lie so that they could get the money in order to make some white lightning, mountain dew, Moonshine or hooch. They thought that it would be a faster way to make money and pay off the loan.

Several weeks later they went back in the bank. Curts pulled out a roll of bills, “We want to pay off our loan.” he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay their loan off.

“What are you going to do with the rest of that money?”

“Bury it on our land.”

“Why don’t you deposit it in my bank,” he asked.

“We’ve never done that. What does it mean?”

“You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.”

Leroy leaned across the desk, “What have you got for collateral?”

Screen Saviours

Saving your work! Computer Messages for various religions.

Non-sectarian

Do you wish to Save your work?

Roman Catholic

Registry indicates user is Female; only Males are able to Save.

Anglican

Your work may or may not be Saved.

Lutheran

If you don’t follow the instruction manual, don’t expect your work to be Saved.

Mennonite

Document contains the word “dancing”; it cannot be Saved.

Jehovah’s Witnesses

You are user #144,001; your work cannot be Saved.

Mormon

Could we interest you in Saving your work?

Millenarian

It is almost too late to Save your work.

Southern Baptist

If your work was not Saved, it is because you are evil.

TV Preacher

This program has made mistakes in the past, but it will try to Save this file.

Born-again

Before Saving your work, this program will erase all existing data; Proceed?

Faith healers

If you believe your work will be Saved, it will be Saved.

funny emails, funny computer messages, funny stuff

The Hillbillies, Curtis and Leroy and Their Painting Job

Curtis and Leroy, who are down on their luck, walk through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to do. They go up to a large house, ring the bell and the owner comes to the door.

He asks Curtis and Leroy what he can do for them. They explain that they are poor and are looking for odd jobs to do.  The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting his porch painted. He asks them if they can paint?

“Sure anything.”

“Well, I’ve been wanting my porch painted, how much would you charge?” the man replies.

“I don’t know, say $50 bucks.”

He thinks this is very fair, gets the paint out of the garage and tells them to go ahead and get started.

He closes the door and walks back inside.

His wife asks him, “Who was at the door?” He tells her about Curtis and Leroy and their situation and then tells his wife that they agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks.

The astonished wife says, “$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will take at least a day to paint it. You really should pay them more.”

“But that’s all they wanted, and anyway their just two dumb lads.”

10 minutes later, Curtis knocks on the door. The man answers the door and Curtis says, “All done.”

With a surprised look on his face, “I can’t believe it, you’re already done painting the entire porch!”

“Yes, and by the way it’s not a porch it’s a Ferrari.”

For more Curtis and Leroy jokes, check out their Thanksgiving hunting trip at:

http://www.e-forwards.com/2010/10/curtis-and-leroy-go-hunting-for-thanksgiving-dinner/

funny emails, dumb people

How to Impress A Woman – How to Impress a Man

Wine her,

Dine her,

Call her,

Hug her,

Support her,

Hold her,

Surprise her,

Compliment her,

Smile at her,

Listen to her,

Laugh with her,

Cry with her,

Romance her,

Encourage her,

Believe in her,

Pray with her,

Pray for her,

Cuddle with her,

Shop with her,

Give her jewelry,

Buy her flowers,

Hold her hand,

Write love letters to her,

Go to the end of the

Earth and back again for her –

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked –

Bring food –

Don’t block the TV !

Any more Suggestions??

funny emails, funny stuff, great free pictures

Best Paraprosdokian Sentences. Any idea what that means? Or how to say it?

Any Idea what this is?

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Now you know!

Subject: Paraprosdokian Sentences

Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø   I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø   Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Ø   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø   If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

Ø   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Ø   War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Ø   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø   The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø   Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Ø   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø   Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Ø   Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.

Ø   I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

Ø   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Ø   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø   Always borrow money from a pessimist. She won’t expect it back.

Ø   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Ø   Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø   I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Ø   There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

Ø   I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

Ø   I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

Ø   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø   Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Ø   Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Ø   If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Ø   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

For Valentine’s Day, try the The Love Tester App

http://www.e-forwards.com/2011/02/cupids-love-tester/