Archive for November, 2010

Christmas Presents From Grandpa Fail

Grandpa decided that shopping for Christmas presents had become too difficult.  All his grandchildren had everything they needed, so he decided to send them each a cheque (check).

On each Christmas card he wrote:

‘Happy Christmas’

Grandpa

P.S. ‘Buy your own present!’

On Christmas Day, while Grandpa enjoyed the family festivities, he thought that his grandchildren were just slightly distant and a few were actually hostile.

It preyed on his mind into the New Year.  Then one day he was sorting out his study and under a pile of magazines, he found a little pile of cheques (checks) for his grandchildren.  He had completely forgotten to put them in with the Christmas cards.

Santa Claus – the Lawyer, the banker and the politician

Just before Xmas, an honest politician, two forthright bankers, three generous lawyers and Santa Claus all got into the elevator at the New York Palace Hotel.  As the elevator travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a $100 bill lying on the floor.

Which one picked up the $100 bill, and handed it in at reception?

Santa of course, the others don’t actually exist!

A Southern Christmas with Curtis and Leroy

In a small Texas town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature bothered me: the three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a “Quik Stop” on the edge of town, there were two men (Curtis and Leroy) standing near the counter. I asked them if they had seen the “Nativity Scene”.  They proudly replied that they had helped to make it. I asked them if they knew why the three wise men had firemen’s helmets.  They looked at each other, laughed and one of them said, “You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!”

I assured him that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

He asked the clerk for her Bible that was behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed his finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face he said, “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise men came from afar.’”

We came from afar!

Line-ups for the Barbie Doll at Christmas

Just before Christmas I was shopping at the local mall.

I glanced to my left and caught sight of a long line at the doll counter; they were waiting for the shelves to be restocked with Mattel dolls.  As I looked I realised that in the queue was a good friend of mine.  Knowing Lennie well I was sure that he had no daughters nor did he have any nieces so I wondered why he should want to buy a doll at Christmas time.

‘Hey, Lennie,’ I cried, ‘I hadn’t realised you collected dolls.’

‘I don’t,’ he replied laughing.’

‘Really,’ I asked, ‘then you must be buying a Christmas present then?’

‘No, not at all, my friend,’ responded Lennie, his eyes twinkling merrily.’

‘If you don’t mind my asking then Lennie,’ I said, ‘Why exactly are you standing in this particular queue?’

‘Oh that,’ he giggled. ‘It’s like this, my mate,’ he mused, ‘I’ve never been able to resist a Barbie queue.’

Curtis and Leroy and Their Mine Job Interviews

The Adventures of Curtis and Leroy

Curtis and Leroy decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Curtis gets called in for his interview.

The boss asks Curtis if he had worked underground mines before? Curtis says that he had.

The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked?

Curtis says, “Oh, about 8 to 10 feet.”

The boss says, “Mines are a lot deeper than that, get out of here – you’re no miner!”

On his way out, Curtis tells Leroy to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job. Leroy gets called in.

The boss asks Leroy if he had worked underground mines before?

Leroy answers, “Oh sure.”

The boss asks how deep underground he worked.

leroy says, “I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground.”

The boss says, “20,000 feet, Wow! That is incredible!, “What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground?”

Leroy replies, “Oh, I didn’t need a light, I worked on the day shift!”

I see dumb people!

Cold Winter House and Curtis and Leroy

Curtis and Leroy purchased an old home from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and Leroy was concerned about the house’s lack of insulation. “If they could live here all those years, so can we!” Curtis confidently declared.

One December night the temperature plunged to below zero, and they woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. Leroy called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up.

“For the past 30 years,” he muttered, “they’ve gone to Florida for the winter.”

Winter Jokes and One Liners

Hope you enjoy these winter Jokes and one liners. It’s snowing right now and I have a fire on!

Winter is nature’s way of saying, “Up yours.”  ~Robert Byrne

Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery. Bill Watterson

A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water. Carl Reiner

Corruption is like a ball of snow, once it’s set a rolling it must increase. Charles Caleb Colton

Courtesies cannot be borrowed like snow shovels; you must have some of your own. John Wanamaker

There is a privacy about it which no other season gives you…. In spring, summer and fall people sort of have an open season on each other; only in the winter, in the country, can you have longer, quiet stretches when you can savor belonging to yourself.  ~Ruth Stout

I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.  ~Will Rogers

Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.  ~Author Unknown

One kind word can warm three winter months.  ~Japanese Proverb

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Ken!
Ken who?
Ken I stay home from school today? It’s too cold to go outside!

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Ice!
Ice who?
Ice the guy who builds da boats, and I’ce the guy who sails ‘em!

*

Snowball Fight Throw it on…

http://www.e-forwards.com/2010/11/snowball-fight-2010-2011/

The Snowplow and Curtis and Leroy

Cutis and Leroy live in Ohio. One winter morning while listening to the same radio station, they hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.” Curtis and Leroy go out and move their cars.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
They go out and move their cars again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park………..” then the electric power goes out.
Curtis and Leroy are very upset, and with a worried look on their faces they ask their wives, “Honey, I don’t know what to do.” Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?”
With the love and understanding in their voices, like all women who are married to guys like Curtis and Leroy, they say, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

Canadian Winters and the Elderly Blonde

An elderly blonde lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed blonde, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. “I just got some news, Mom,” he said. “The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They’ve decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?”

“What do I think?” his blonde mother said. “Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don’t think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!”

Really Dumb Questions

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Are there any unguided missiles?
Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say “Do Not Pass”?
Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?
Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?
Day light savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Do boxer shorts box?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do fish get thirsty?
Do hummingbirds hum because they don’t know the words?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world ‘up over’?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4′s”?
Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch Tape worms?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do steam rollers really roll steam?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do witches run spell checkers?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the
dirt out of them?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a
quarter?
Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?

Bonus:

Do Warlocks have Tiger Blood?