Archive for January, 2011

3900 Saturdays – A thousand Marbles and Priorities in Life

A 75 year old man explains his priorities during a radio interview:

‘Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you’re busy with your job.  I’m sure they pay you well but it’s a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much.  Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet.  It’s too bad you missed your daughter’s dance recital’ he continued.  ’Let me tell you something that has helped me keep my own priorities.’  And that’s when he began to explain his theory of a ‘thousand marbles.’
‘You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic.  The average person lives about seventy-five years.  I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years.’
‘Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime.  Now, stick with me, Tom, I’m getting to the important part.  It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail’, he went on, ‘and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays.  I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy.  So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had.  I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles.  I took them home and put them inside a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear.’
‘Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away.  I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life.’
‘There is nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight.’
‘Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast.
This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container.  I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time.  And the one thing we can all use is a little more time.’

You could have heard a pin drop when the interview ended.  I guess he gave us all a lot to think about.
Instead, of working on a few chores around the house, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss.  ’C'mon honey, I’m taking you and the kids to breakfast.’  ’What brought this on’ she asked with a smile.’  ’Oh, nothing special, it’s just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids.  And hey, can we stop at a toy store while we’re out?  I need to buy some marbles.’
A friend sent this to me, so I to you, my friend..

And so, as one smart bear once said…’If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.’ – Winnie the Pooh.

Love, Anesthesia and the Valentine’s Day Fail

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital on Valentine’s Day, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.”
Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, “You’re cute.”
“What happened to ‘beautiful?’, she asked him.

“The drugs are wearing off,” he replied.

**

and that’s when the fight started…

Old is When

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…

Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….

You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…

‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take a laxative today.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….

‘gets lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot…

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…

An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….

You’re not sure if these are facts or jokes.

(I sent this in large type so you can read it)

Air Traffic from Satellite – FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELTS

This is a 24 hour observation of all of the large aircraft
flights in the world, condensed down to 1:11.
From space we look like a bee hive of activity. What you will
see, is a video showing air traffic around the world for 24
hours, taken from a satellite.

You won’t believe this! The yellow dots are airplanes in the sky
during a 24 hour period.

Stay with the picture. You will see the light of the day moving
from the east to the west, as the Earth spins on its axis.
Also you will see the aircraft flow of traffic leaving the North
American continent and traveling at night to arrive in the UK
in the morning.
Then you will see the flow changing, leaving the UK in the
morning and flying to the American continent in daylight.

embedded by Embedded Video

YouTube Direkt

This is something that everyone should see. For us old-timers it
is really fascinating. For our children/grandchildren it provides
a superb learning moment and an opportunity to open up what could
be a very interesting discussion. This is one of the coolest
things ever seen.

How many people do YOU think are in the sky at any given moment?

You can tell it was spring time in the north by the sun’s foot
print over the planet. You could see that it didn’t set for long
in the extreme north and it didn’t quite rise in the extreme
south.. We are taught about the earth’s tilt and how it causes
summer and winter and how we had to imagine just what is going
on. With this 24 hour observation of aircraft travel on the
earth’s surface we get to see the daylight pattern move as well.
Remember watch the day to night….. Day is over in Australia
when it starts.

IMPORTANT RULE CHANGES FOR THE SENIOR GOLFER

 

rule 1.  a ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on fairway
at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty.
The SENIOR should not be penalized fot tall grass which groundkeepers failed to mow.

rule 2.  a ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. this is simply bad luck and
luck has no place in a scientific game. the SENIOR player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.

rule 3.  there shall be no such thing as a lost ball. the missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. the player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.

rule 4.  if a putt passes over a hole without dropping it is deemed to have dropped. the law of gravity supersedes the rules of golf.

rule 5.  putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in , may be blown in. this does not apply to balls more than 3 ins from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

rule 6.  there is no penalty for so-called “out of bounds”. if penny- pinching golf course owner had bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The SENIOR golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

rule 7.  there is no penalty for golf ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. SENIOR golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers shortcomings.

rule 8.  advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. since this is financially impracticable for many SENIOR golfers.one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted using old equipment.

PLEASE ADVISE ALL YOUR SENIOR FRIENDS OF THESE IMPORTANT RULE CHANGES

Dear God – From the DOG

We know that humans don’t understand that come Judgment Day,

dogs will be able to enjoy Rapture, too!

Dear God:  Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?

Dear God:  Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God:  When we get to heaven,

can we sit on your couch?

Or is it still the same old story?

*

Dear God:  Why are there cars named after the

jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt,

the stingray, and the rabbit,

but not ONE named for a Dog?

How often do you see a cougar riding around?

We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard

to rename the ‘Chrysler Eagle’ the ‘Chrysler Beagle’?

Dear God:  If a Dog barks his head off in the forest

and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?

Dear God: We Dogs can understand human

verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns,

clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic

energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths.

What do humans understand?

Dear God:  More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

*

Dear God:  Are there mailmen in Heaven?

If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God:  Let me give you a list of just some

of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.

1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they

eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs,

etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a ‘face towel’.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s

underwear when he’s on the toilet.

7.  Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch

is an unacceptable way of saying ‘hello’.

8. I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up

when I’m under the coffee table

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur

before entering the house – not after.

10. I will not come in from outside and

immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the

living room and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a ‘squeaky toy’ so when

I play with him and he makes that noise,

it’s usually not a good thing.

P.S.  Dear God: When I get to Heaven

may I have my testicles back?

Snapdragon Part of My Life

Best Ad Slogan

Carnation  Milk 65  Years Ago ….This is  PRICELESS

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in  approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the  best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With ‘Carnation  Milk is best of all.‘

She thought to herself, I  know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up  in front of her house.

A lawyer representing the company got out and said, ‘Carnation’ LOVED your entry so much! We are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!’

The Value of Time

Read quietly then send it back on its journey

To realize

The value of a sister/brother

Ask someone

Who doesn’t have one.

To realize

The value of ten years:

Ask a newly

Divorced couple.

To realize

The value of four years:

Ask a graduate.

To realize

The value of one year:

Ask a student who

Has failed a final exam.

To realize

The value of nine months:

Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize

The value of one month:

Ask a mother

Who has given birth to

A premature baby.

To realize

The value of one week:

Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize

The value of one minute:

Ask a person

Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize

The value of one second:

Ask a person

Who has survived an accident.

Time waits for no one.

Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when

You can share it with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend or family member:

LOSE ONE.

The origin of this letter is unknown,

But it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.

Remember….

Hold on tight to the ones you love!

Do not keep this letter.

Send it to friends & family to whom you wish good

fortune. And don’t forget the one who sent it to you!

BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

Wow!


This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer  purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having  smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a  claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer  stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires..’ The insurance  company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had  consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with  the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated  nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which  it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that  it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered  to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the  claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the  insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for  his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.

NOW   FOR THE BEST PART…

After the lawyer cashed the check, the  insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance  claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the  lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and  was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This true story  won First Place in last year’s Criminal Lawyers Award  contest.

ONLY IN   AMERICA!