Funny Sayings About Teachers and School – Little Johnny Jokes
Keep the school tidy; throw your rubbish out of the windows.
Our teacher’s a peach; she’s got a heart of stone!
Our teacher’s a treasure; we wonder where she was dug up!
Our geography teacher is so bad he got lost showing some parents around the school.
I like teachers when they’re at home!
Don’t be late for school in the morning; stay in bed until the afternoon.
Teacher is an anagram of cheater.
My teacher used to be a werewolf; but she’s howl right now.
The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain; but over here it always falls on the school holidays!
I’m teacher’s pet; she can’t afford a dog.
Teachers are very special; they’re in a class of their own.
A bird in the hand – can make a terrible mess.
Little Johnny: I didn’t write that stuff. I can’t even read yet!
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How was your school Day? Little Johnny Back to School Jokes
Mom: How did you find school today?
Little johnny: I simply hopped off the bus – and there it was!
Little Johnny: I think we need a new teacher!
Mom: Why is that?
Little Johnny: Our teacher doesn’t know anything, she keeps asking us for the answers!
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Little Johnny and Maps – Back at School
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a confused silence, Little Johnny volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
funny emails, funny stuff, stupid
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How does physics save lives? Back to School Joke
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, “Why do we have to learn this pointless information”
“To save lives.” the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?” he persisted.
“It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school,” replied the professor.
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First Day of School Poem
I’m Late For School
I got up late for school today,
And nearly missed the bus!
I hurried down the stairs,
Wolfed my toast, and caused a fuss!
I quickly threw books in my bag,
My pens, my lunch and shorts.
Grabbed my coat from out the cupboard,
Took my bat and ball for sports.
I slid across the kitchen floor,
And hopped around the cat!
Then expertly rolled over,
Jumped back up and grabbed my hat!
I belted out of our front door,
Spun round and swung it shut.
Saw the bus was waiting for me,
I felt I had time to strut!
I climbed aboard and then froze still,
And knew that things weren’t right!
My friends fell down in fits of fun,
And pointed with delight!
My face went red, I couldn’t breathe,
For in my haste I knew!
I’d forgotten to wear trousers,
Jumper, shirt, my socks and shoes!
Written in 2003 by Gareth Lancaster
You might also like this joke about Paddy and his son’s first day at school:
http://www.e-forwards.com/2011/03/paddy-the-proud-irishman/
‘funny emails, funny stuff
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How the Internet Started
In the beginning was the word …
A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):
Well, you might have thought that you knew how the
Internet started,
but here’s the TRUE story ….
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by
the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself
a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com
was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and
long of leg. Indeed, she was often called
Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham,
her husband: “Why dost thou travel so far from town
to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?”
And Abraham did look at her – as though she were
several saddle bags short of a camel load,
but simply said: “How, dear?”
And Dot replied: “I will place drums in all the towns
and drums in between to send messages saying what
you have for sale, and they will reply telling you
who hath the best price.
And the sale can be made on the drums and
delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot
have her way with the drums. And the drums rang
out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top
price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing
what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system
that only she and the drummers knew.
It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS),
and she also developed a language to transmit ideas
and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP)
But this success did arouse envy. A man named
Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum
and began to siphon off some of Abraham’s business.
But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted -
for insider trading. And the young men did take to
Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy Horsefly take to
camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich
Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new
riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one
noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising
drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought
off every drum maker in the land.
And indeed did insist on drums to be made that
would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say: “Oh, Abraham, what we have
started is being taken over by others.”
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or
eBay as it came to be known. He said: “We need
a name that reflects what we are.”
And Dot replied: “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”
“YAHOO,” said Abraham.
And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young
Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he
was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things
around the countryside. It soon became known as
God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)
And the world was all a Twitter!!!!
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Back to School Jokes and Little Johnny
A teacher had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things. What am I?”
Little Johnny, in the back row proudly said, “You’re a mother!”
****
Little Johnny reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions. He took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false. Little Johnny finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out. Suddenly, during the last few minutes, he began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely. The moderator, alarmed, approached Little Johnny and asked what was going on. “Well, I finished the exam in half an hour,” he said, “but I thought I ought to recheck my answers.”
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The Evolution of a Math Problem – Back to School Jokes
1950:
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?
1960 (traditional math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price, or in other words $80. What is his profit?
1970 (new math):
A lumberjack exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C is a subset of set M, of cardinality 80. What is the cardinality of the set P of profits, if P is the difference set M\C?
1980 (equal opportunity math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of wood for $100. His or her cost of production is $80, and his or her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
1990 (outcome based education):
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a lumberperson makes $20. What do you think of his way of making a living? In your group, discuss how the forest birds and squirrels feel, and write an essay about it.
1995 (entrepreneurial math):
By laying off 402 of its lumberjacks, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
1998 (motivational math):
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying?
1980 (equal opportunity math):A lumberjack sells a truckload of wood for $100. His or her cost of production is $80, and his or her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
1990 (outcome based education):By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a lumberperson makes $20. What do you think of his way of making a living? In your group, discuss how the forest birds and squirrels feel, and write an essay about it.
1995 (entrepreneurial math):By laying off 402 of its lumberjacks, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
1998 (motivational math):A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying?
2008 Too upset to discuss what Bankers and Politicians did to the world this year!
2011 What is a lumberjack?
The only problem is which bank do they mean? Northern Rock, Goldman Sachs, or even ‘The Bank of America?’
Who do we save first??
A man went to his bank manager and said: ‘I’d like to start a small business. How do I go about it?’
‘Simple,’ said the bank manager. ‘Buy a big one and wait.’
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Back to School 2011
Little Johnny: I’m not going back to school tomorrow!
Father: Why not?
Little Johnny: Well I’ve been there a whole day, I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk, so what’s the use?
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Famous Clever Insults
He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. ~ Clarence Darrow
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.”
–George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.”
–Winston Churchill’s response to George Bernard Shaw
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow
|
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”–Winston Churchill |
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”–Groucho Marx“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”–Mark Twain“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”–Oscar Wilde“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”–Irvin S. Cobb“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”–Samuel Johnson“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”–Paul Keating“He had delusions of adequacy.”–Walter Kerr“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”–Mark Twain“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”–Mae West“Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!”–Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party“Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!”–Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”—Moses Hadas“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”—Jack E. Leonard“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”—Robert Redford“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”—Thomas Brackett Reed“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”—James Reston (about Richard Nixon)“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”—Charles, Count Talleyrand“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”—Forrest Tucker“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any one I know.”—Abraham Lincoln“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts — for support rather than illumination.”—Andrew Lang (1844-1912)“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”—Billy Wilder“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”–Oscar Wilde“You, Mr. Wilkes, will die either of the pox or on the gallows.”–The Earl of Sandwich“That depends, my lord, whether I embrace your mistress or your principles.”–John Wilkes’s response to The Earl of Sandwich“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”—Winston Churchill |
