Archive for September, 2011

Ashton Kutcher, Demo Moore and Twitter Split

Demi: I can put up with your affair with Sara Leal.  But I’m taking off my wedding ring!

Ashton: Oh ya! I’m not following you on Twitter any more!

Demi: Not following me on Twitter… I want a divorce.

 and that’s when the fight started…  

And the world was all a Twitter!!!!

Who Wants To Sneak Into America?

The United States is looking at building fences along the border with Canada to help keep out terrorists and other criminals.

Reminds me of the movie ~ Canadian Bacon ~ 1995 starring John Candy ~ The U.S. President, low in the opinion polls, gets talked into raising his popularity by trying to start a cold war against Canada.

Give me a break! Eh?

Rick Perry was upset when he heard about this fence. He said that Obama stole his idea. He was the first to suggest that a fence be built separating Texas and the USA! 

My favorite comments from CBC news (http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/story/2011/09/29/fence-border-canada.html?cmp=rss)

I am totally in favour of a fence along the Canada-US border. I say it is high time we built a barrier at US taxpayer expense to stop the flow of criminals and terrorists from the US into Canada.

So much for undefended border, it was an honor sharing the former world´s longest undefended border while it lasted. Cheers from Maine.

It might be a problem for animals, but I doubt it’ll keep Americans from leaving their country!

They sound like the State of Israel and we are the bad Palestinians… wow. Sad day indeed.

From http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2785584/posts

Let me get this straight – we won’t build a fence on the Mexican border where 30 million have crossed illegally in the last 10 years, but we can build one on the even longer one with Canada that crosses the Rockies and the Great Lakes.

Putting an aircraft carrier fleet in each of bordering Great Lakes might not be a bad idea either. And China will lend us as much money as we need to do it too!

I haven’t seen any Canadians loitering around the 7-11 or setting up gangs in LA or the Washington suburbs.

What am I missing?

Where are the Republican candidates on this insult to our biggest oil provider?

From Huffington Post:

I am all for this gate. At the rate the US is spiraling downward, with no end in sight, when the empire collapses and starts lashing out to “maintain their quality of life” we are going to need that fence to protect us a bit.

And since they are so worried about Canada being a threat, I say we also stop sending them our oil, water and power.

It’ll help stop the mass exodus of American illegals swarming to our country in 2012…if a Republican gets elected as the next President.­…

Paranoia in America is big business.

As long as they allow us to get our ball back when it goes over the fence.

Fence? What are we, a third world country? Where’s the laser fueled dome with force field active barrier capabiliti­es!!! Pfft, a metal fence. How 2010ish. Get with the times!!!!

Happy New Year 2012

Happy 2012

May you have new hopes, aspirations, and resolutions for the coming year.

Have a happy new year!

I hope your year is safe and happy and rife with wonderful possibilities.

I hope love finds you and you find it.

I wish you patience and tolerance.

I want joy for you and yours.

I also hope the Mayas just ran out of room after December 21, 2012 on that rock calendar carving thing of theirs.

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Season’s greetings and best wishes for a new year

filled with warmth, peace, and cherished memories! 

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If you have too HAPPY a New Year’s Eve, try these cures for the Hangover:

Hangover Cures

New Year’s Eve Times Square New York New York Information:

http://www.nyctourist.com/newyears1.htm

Listen to My Leg, Doc!

The patient didn’t have any obvious symptoms, but the distrought patient insisted on an examination. He told the doctor to listen to his leg!

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man’s thigh only to hear, “Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks.”

“I’ve never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?” The doctor asked.

“That’s nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee.”

The doctor put his ear to the man’s knee and heard it say “Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!”

“Sir, I really don’t know what to tell you. I’ve never seen anything like this.” The doctor was dumbfounded.

“Wait Doc, that’s not it. There’s more, just put your ear up to my ankle,” the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, “Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, just 5 bucks. PLEASE, if you will.”

“I have no idea what to tell you,” the doctor said. “There’s nothing about it in my books,” he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. “I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places.”

Terra Nova Mysteries and Questions

What does Terra Nova mean? ~ New Earth  (or Latin for New Land also Latin Name for Newfoundland)

Has GOP Candidate, Rick Perry, watched the show? Has he changed his mind about Climate Change and Creationism? This would be a great question for future GOP debates!

Where does Christine Adams gets her hair done 85 million years ago?

Is there a beauty salon somewhere that knows how to braid black hair?

How much did the Terra Nova Pilot show cost ~ $20 000 000

Why can’t modern weapons kill the dinosaurs?

Why go back 85 000 000 years?

How long will the show last?

Why did Two and a Half Men get better ratings?

Bonus (unrelated): Why did Charlie Sheen get $25 000 000? Sheen was replaced on Two and A Half Men by Ashton Kutcher. The new season debuted last week to a record 28.7 million U.S. viewers — a bigger audience than any episodes in the comedy’s first eight seasons with Sheen in the starring role as a womanizing bachelor.

Governor Perry Not Prepared to be President

Anita Perry, (Rick Perry’s wife) stood by her husband’s last debate performance, telling the Westside Conservative Club that the governor will be “better prepared next time” for the jabs coming from his rivals.

“Honestly, I’m going to speak frankly from my heart, I think he takes arrows because they want to knock him out from that position,” Perry is quoted as saying. “I think that’s why he’s the target.”

In reality, his mistakes make him an easy target!

Gover­nor Perry’s grades at Texas A&M Uni­versity were less than stellar. Part of the reason must have been lack of hard work and preparation. It is obvious, from his very poor showings in the GOP debates, that he has not prepared properly for them. You would think that if you were interested in being the leader of the most powerful nation on earth, that you might work hard to prepare for all aspects of the campaign.  Especially when it’s not just your future but the future of your country at stake.

There are three conclusions one could draw from this:

1. Being President is very difficult.

2. Perry is not that smart. After all, he can’t figure out which is right Evolution or Creationism ~ When talking to the boy in New Hampshire, Perry continued, “In Texas, we teach both creationism and evolution in our public schools – because I figure you’re smart enough (I’m not) to figure out which one is right.”

3. Being a GOP candidate is so easy a chimp could do it!

“For us to take a snapshot in time and to say that what is going on in the country today, the climate change that is going on is man’s fault and we need to jeopardize America’s economy, I’m a skeptic about that.” ~Perry

What he is really saying is that he owes his loyalty to the big oil companies. He is greedy, selfish and corrupt! 

When Palin was running for President,  Matt Damon said, “I need to know if she really thinks that dinosaurs were here 4000 years ago. I want to know that, I really do. Because she’s gonna have the nuclear codes.” The same applies to Perry.

When politicians think they know more than most scientists in the world,

we are in big trouble!

Falling Satellites, Little Johnny and Chicken Little

Recently, due to the news about UARS – the falling satellite,

a first grade teacher decided to read the story of

Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer.

She read, ” …and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ” The sky is falling! The sky is Falling!”

The teacher then asked the class, “And what do you think the farmer said?”

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “I think he said, ” Holy sh*t! A talking chicken!”

Falling Satellite ~ Where and When ~ DUCK!!!!

Be careful out and up there.

Scientists believe that by Thursday there should be a better understanding of where the satellite debris will fall. At that time they will issue a warning.

DUCK!

The six-tonne, 20-year-old spacecraft has fallen out of orbit and is expected to crash somewhere on Earth on or around 24 September 2011.

The US space agency says the risk to life from the Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite (UARS) is 1 in 3,200.

UARS could land anywhere between 57 degrees north and 57 degrees south of the equator – most of the populated world.

Nasa says that most of the satellite will break or burn up before reaching Earth.

But scientists have identified 26 separate pieces that could survive the fall through the atmosphere. This debris could rain across an area 400-500km (250-310 miles) wide.

If that has you worried, NASA emphasizes that in the history of the space age, there have been no confirmed reports of falling space junk hurting anyone.

But that doesn’t mean no one has ever been hit.

“It was just a big ball of fire, shooting across the sky at just a fast speed,” she recalls. A little while later, Williams felt a tap on her shoulder. When she turned around, there was no one there — but something fell to the ground. That was one of the weirdest things that ever happened to me.”

 - Lottie Williams, of Tulsa, Okla., on getting hit by a piece of a Delta II rocket -1977

To the US Government and NASA

for being responsible for this possible catastrophe 

~  I say UP UARS!

Where???

I shot an Arrow into the air

It fell to earth I know not where,

For so swiftly it flew, the sight

Could not follow it in its flight.

I breath’d a Song into the air

It fell to earth, I know not where.

For who has sight so keen and strong

That it can follow the flight of a song?

Long, long afterward in an oak

I found the Arrow still unbroke;

And the Song from beginning to end

I found again in the heart of a friend.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The space agency said the decommissioned spacecraft fell back to Earth between 11:23 p.m. ET Friday and 1:09 a.m. ET Saturday. NASA spokesman Bob Jacobs said the Joint Space Operations Center, headquartered at California’s Vandenberg Air Force Base, reported that the satellite entered the atmosphere over the Pacific.

What a Bonehead!

Man tries to sell human skull on Craigslist. He was head over heels with the idea. 

He believed it was the only way he could get a head.

A human skull posted for sale online got the Phoenix Police Department’s attention.

Police seized the skull from the owner and are trying to determine if it is in fact a human skull or just a prank.

“Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio; a fellow of infinite jest. . .” Hamlet

Q: Why were the bones chasing the skull?

A: Because they wanted to get ahead.

What do you call a dumb skeleton? ~ A numbskull

What forms of education do skeletons attend? ~High Skull

Q: What type of art do skeletons like?
A: Skull tures

Note:

“I don’t crack the skulls, I just crack the jokes.” 

The Grandfather and His Lost Grandson

A small boy named Little Johnny got lost in the mall…

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,

“I’ve lost my grandpa!”

The guard asked, “What’s his name?”

“Grandpa.”

The guard smiled, then asked, “What’s he like?”

Little Johnny hesitated for a moment and then replied,

“Crown whiskey and women with big boobs.”