The Parrot Died
The Parrot Died
At dawn the telephone rings . . .
“Hello, Senor Rod?” This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country
house.”
“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”
“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot – he
is dead.”
“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”
“Si, Senor, that’s the one.”
“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did
he die from?”
“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.
“”Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”
“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”
“Dead horse? What dead horse?”
“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”
“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”
“Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
“Are you insane?? What water cart?”
“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.”
“Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??”
“The one that destroyed your house, Senor! A candle fell and the
curtains caught on fire.”
“What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of
a candle??!!”
“Yes, Senor Rod.”
“But there’s electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?”
“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”
“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”
“Your wife’s, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade R11S TP Driver.”
SILENCE……….. LONG SILENCE………
“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep shit!!”
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WiFi Jokes
+
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02? That should keep my weird neighbors on their toes for a while!
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Funny Hangover Quotes and Sayings
“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” Frank Sinatra
“A hangover is the wrath of grapes.” - Anon
“Somebody slipped a hangover in my drink last night.” - Anon
“A hangover is when you open your eyes in the morning and wish you hadn’t.” - Anon
W. C. Fields
Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil’s Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon–and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?
WC: He’d think I was a sissy.
I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch…
I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.
I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.
“Grease is the only cure for a hangover.” - Cameron Diaz
“One of the curious effects of a bad hangover is that you think you’re wrong whether you are or not. Not wrong in particulars, but wrong in general, wrong about everything.” - Jim Harrison
“I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.” - Ellen DeGeneres
“I love drugs, but I hate hangovers, and the hatred of the hangover wins by a landslide every time.” - Margaret Cho
“Credit buying is much like being drunk. The buzz happens immediately and gives you a lift… The hangover comes the day after.” - Joyce Brothers
“You come home, and you party. But after that, you get a hangover. Everything about that is negative.” - Mike Tyson
“Just for this one night I will not think about you. I will have fun, and laugh again. And enjoy every minute. Tomorrow I will deal with the hangover.” - Anon
“I want to make out with the fat guy from ‘The Hangover’. He’s amazing. I like big, fat guys with beards that wear thick glasses.” - Kesha
“Shower didn’t work. Coffee didn’t work. Cold air is not working. Snooze on the bus my only chance to get rid of my hangover.” - Twitter Tweet
“I have finally come to the conclusion that it’s not the drink that causes hangovers. It’s the sleep” - Anon
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Red Cars and Bird Droppings
Look! Up in the air! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! (Plop!) No, it’s definitely a bird.
According to research from British automotive supplier Halfords, red cars attract more bird droppings than any others. .
Its researchers checked out 1,140 cars in Brighton, Glasgow, Leeds, Manchester and Bristol over two consecutive days, and found that green cars came off best, followed by silver. White vehicles fared better than black.
Eighteen percent of red cars were marked with droppings, compared with 14 percent for blue, 11 for black, seven percent for white, three percent for grey or silver and just one percent for green.
They don’t know why?
Moral of the story:
Buy a green car!
+++
Shit – A Bird Story
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story are:
-
Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
-
Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
-
And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
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A sensitive Man
THE ROOM WAS FULL OF PREGNANT WOMEN WITH THEIR
PARTNERS. THE CLASS WAS IN FULL SWING.
THE INSTRUCTOR WAS TEACHING THE WOMEN HOW TO
BREATHE PROPERLY AND WAS TELLING THE MEN HOW TO
GIVE THE NECESSARY ASSURANCE TO THEIR PARTNERS AT
THIS STAGE OF THE PREGNANCY.
SHE SAID “LADIES, REMEMBER THAT EXERCISE IS GOOD
FOR YOU. WALKING IS ESPECIALLY BENEFICIAL. IT
STRENGTHENS THE PELVIC MUSCLES AND WILL MAKE
DELIVERY THAT MUCH EASIER!” JUST TAKE SEVERAL STOPS
AND STAY ON A SOFT SURFACE LIKE GRASS OR A PATH.
SHE LOOKED AT THE MEN IN THE ROOM, “AND GENTLEMEN,
REMEMBER — YOU’RE IN THIS TOGETHER — IT WOULDN’T
HURT YOU TO GO WALKING WITH HER.”THE ROOM SUDDENLY GOT VERY QUIET AS THE MEN
ABSORBED THIS INFORMATION.THEN A MAN AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM SLOWLY RAISED
HIS HAND.“YES?” ANSWERED THE TEACHER.
“I WAS JUST WONDERING. IS IT ALL RIGHT IF SHE
CARRIES A GOLF BAG WHILE WE WALK?”
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A Mother’s Dictionary From A to Z
AIRPLANE: What Mum impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained veggies.
ALIEN: What Mum would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mum’s youngest child, even if he’s 42.
BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mum) to be self-cleaning
BECAUSE: Mum’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically.
BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mum always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.
CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.
COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mum’s other name.
COUCH POTATO: What Mum finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mum can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.
DUST RAGS: See “DAD’S UNDERWEAR.”
EAR: A place where kids store dirt.
EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
EMPTY NEST: See “WISHFUL THINKING.”
ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
EXCUSE ME?: One of Mum’s favourite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.
EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mum, can be “put out” by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
FOOD: The response Mum usually gives in answer to the question, “What’s for dinner tonight?” See “SARCASM”
FROZEN: 1) A type of food. 2) How hell will be when Mum lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.
GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mum assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mum’s kids.
GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.
HINDSIGHT: What Mum experiences from changing too many nappies.
HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.
ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mum has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.
I SAID SO: Reason enough, according to Mum.
JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends’ homes for the night.
JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.
JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.
JUNK: Dad’s stuff.
KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mum spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
KISS: Mum medicine.
LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.
LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mum buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
LIE: An “exaggeration” Mum uses to transform her child’s papier-mâché volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.
LOSERS: See “Kids’ Friends.”
MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically make Mum look better while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”
MAYBE: No.
MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it’s turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
MUMMMMMMMY!: The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
MUSH: 1) What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food . 2) Main element of Mum’s favourite movies.
NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mum can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modelling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
PANIC: What a mother goes through when that darn wind-up swing stops.
OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
OPEN: The position of children’s mouths when they eat in front of company.
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mum’s alternative nickname for Dad.
PENITENTIARY: Where children who don’t eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mum.
PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mum will have something else to clean up after.
PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands have been spent on lessons and constant harping by Mum, kids will refuse to play in front of company.
PURSE: A handbag in which Mum carries the chequebook and keys she can never find because they’re buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.
QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mum bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it’s in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear “the geeky thing.”
REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honour and responsibility bestowed on a Mum who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.
SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse re-enactments of famous historic events.
SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.
SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped, performs two important functions: protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
SOAP: A cleaning agent Mum puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.
SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids’ faces.
SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, flu and even pneumonia.
SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children’s clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mum and that person who has yet to understand her child’s “special needs.”
TERRIBLE TWO’S: Having both kids at home all summer.
THAT WAY: How kids shouldn’t look at Mums if they know what’s good for them. Also applies to how they talk.
TOWELS: See “FLOOR COVERINGS”
TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.
UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mum must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.
UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
UTOPIA: See “BUBBLE BATH”
VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.
VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mum forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be “just like Daddy.”
WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.
WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME: Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.
XOXOXOXO: Mum salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid’s lunch box even more mortifying.
XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long! See also “DRUMS”
YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mum plans to sell kids’ outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can’t bear to part with.
YIPPEE!: What Mum would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months. See also “YAHOO!”
ZILLION: Amount of times Mum must have gone to the supermarket already this week.
ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
Care to add any words of wisdom to this Mother’s Day Dictionary?
AIRPLANE: What Mum impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained veggies.
ALIEN: What Mum would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mum’s youngest child, even if he’s 42.
BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mum) to be self-cleaning
BECAUSE: Mum’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically.
BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mum always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.
CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.
COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mum’s other name.
COUCH POTATO: What Mum finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mum can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.
DUST RAGS: See “DAD’S UNDERWEAR.”
EAR: A place where kids store dirt.
EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
EMPTY NEST: See “WISHFUL THINKING.”
ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
EXCUSE ME?: One of Mum’s favourite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.
EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mum, can be “put out” by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
FOOD: The response Mum usually gives in answer to the question, “What’s for dinner tonight?” See “SARCASM”
FROZEN: 1) A type of food. 2) How hell will be when Mum lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.
GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mum assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mum’s kids.
GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.
HINDSIGHT: What Mum experiences from changing too many nappies.
HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.
ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mum has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.
I SAID SO: Reason enough, according to Mum.
JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends’ homes for the night.
JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.
JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.
JUNK: Dad’s stuff.
KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mum spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
KISS: Mum medicine.
LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.
LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mum buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
LIE: An “exaggeration” Mum uses to transform her child’s papier-mâché volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.
LOSERS: See “Kids’ Friends.”
MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically make Mum look better while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”
MAYBE: No.
MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it’s turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
MUMMMMMMMY!: The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
MUSH: 1) What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food . 2) Main element of Mum’s favourite movies.
NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mum can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modelling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
PANIC: What a mother goes through when that darn wind-up swing stops.
OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
OPEN: The position of children’s mouths when they eat in front of company.
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mum’s alternative nickname for Dad.
PENITENTIARY: Where children who don’t eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mum.
PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mum will have something else to clean up after.
PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands have been spent on lessons and constant harping by Mum, kids will refuse to play in front of company.
PURSE: A handbag in which Mum carries the chequebook and keys she can never find because they’re buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.
QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mum bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it’s in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear “the geeky thing.”
REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honour and responsibility bestowed on a Mum who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.
SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse re-enactments of famous historic events.
SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.
SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped, performs two important functions: protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
SOAP: A cleaning agent Mum puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.
SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids’ faces.
SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, flu and even pneumonia.
SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children’s clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mum and that person who has yet to understand her child’s “special needs.”
TERRIBLE TWO’S: Having both kids at home all summer.
THAT WAY: How kids shouldn’t look at Mums if they know what’s good for them. Also applies to how they talk.
TOWELS: See “FLOOR COVERINGS”
TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.
UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mum must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.
UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
UTOPIA: See “BUBBLE BATH”
VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.
VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mum forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be “just like Daddy.”
WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.
WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME: Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.
XOXOXOXO: Mum salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid’s lunch box even more mortifying.
XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long! See also “DRUMS”
YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mum plans to sell kids’ outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can’t bear to part with.
YIPPEE!: What Mum would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months. See also “YAHOO!”
ZILLION: Amount of times Mum must have gone to the supermarket already this week.
ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
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Men Compared to Women
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It’s one of those evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me”¦”
Q: How do you fix a woman’s watch?
A: You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
Q: When will women will be equal to men?
A: When they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Fact: In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Fact: I married a Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
Fact: Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called a Wedding Cake.
and that’s when the fight started…
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What not to do and What to Say in a Job Interview
“TRUST ME, I’VE HAD ALOT OF INTERVIEWS!”
Don’t look at your watch every 10 minutes.
Don’t play with things like a pen or a knickknack sitting on the interviewer’s desk.
Don’t get too comfortable.
Don’t promise to fix the company’s two years of losses and cure all the problems in the world.
Don’t assume that you have the job until it’s offered to you.
What to Say and do in a Job Interview
*
1. The art of listening
One of the first skills of a conversation is the art of listening.
2. When to speak
Keep in mind when to speak and when not to. This is doubly important when you are facing more than one interviewer.
3. The information you provide
Quality over quantity Concentration and focus are quite important.
4. Provide Facts
5. Relevancy
focus on relevancy.
6. A team player
Make it clear to the interviewers that you are a team player.
8. Future plans
9. Honest answers
Proof Read your resumeeee:
- “Skills: Strong Work Ethic, Attention to Detail, Team Player, Self Motivated, Attention to Detail”
- Woman who sent her résumé and cover letter without deleting someone else’s editing, including such comments as “I don’t think you want to say this about yourself here”
Categories: 1. Funny Email Forwards, Dumb People, Education, Email Delanteros Humor Interesante, email Forwards, FUNNY EMAILS, Funny Pictures, Humor, I've learned that..., Interesting Facts, Wisdom Tags: advice, Humor, INTERVIEWS
London 2012 Olympics and the Vuvuzela
Will the Vuvuzela be banned at the 2012 Summer Olympics in London?
Vuvuzelas and Wimbledon Which is louder, the Grunt or the Vuvuzela?
While visiting South Africa during the 2010 World Cup, London Mayor Boris Johnson made it clear that he doesn’t want the horns to catch on back home.
“I’m not convinced that we are going to need an Olympic vuvuzela,” Johnson said “It’s a wonderful thing. It’s a beautiful instrument. It’s very easy to master, but I don’t think we’ll necessarily be issuing them to the crowds.”
“I’m very impressed with the vuvuzelas and,” but he added, “we’re thinking of not having them.
Categories: 1. Funny Email Forwards, email Forwards, In the News Tags: London, olympics, vuvuzela
