The Parrot Died
At dawn the telephone rings . . .
“Hello, Senor Rod?” This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country
“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”
“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot – he
“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”
“Si, Senor, that’s the one.”
“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did
he die from?”
“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.
“”Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”
“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”
“Dead horse? What dead horse?”
“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”
“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”
“Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
“Are you insane?? What water cart?”
“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.”
“Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??”
“The one that destroyed your house, Senor! A candle fell and the
curtains caught on fire.”
“What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of
“Yes, Senor Rod.”
“But there’s electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?”
“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”
“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”
“Your wife’s, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade R11S TP Driver.”
SILENCE……….. LONG SILENCE………
“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep shit!!”
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How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02? That should keep my weird neighbors on their toes for a while!
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“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” Frank Sinatra
“A hangover is the wrath of grapes.” - Anon
“Somebody slipped a hangover in my drink last night.” - Anon
“A hangover is when you open your eyes in the morning and wish you hadn’t.” - Anon
W. C. Fields
Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil’s Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon–and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?
WC: He’d think I was a sissy.
I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch…
I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.
I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.
“Grease is the only cure for a hangover.” - Cameron Diaz
“One of the curious effects of a bad hangover is that you think you’re wrong whether you are or not. Not wrong in particulars, but wrong in general, wrong about everything.” - Jim Harrison
“I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.” - Ellen DeGeneres
“I love drugs, but I hate hangovers, and the hatred of the hangover wins by a landslide every time.” - Margaret Cho
“Credit buying is much like being drunk. The buzz happens immediately and gives you a lift… The hangover comes the day after.” - Joyce Brothers
“You come home, and you party. But after that, you get a hangover. Everything about that is negative.” - Mike Tyson
“Just for this one night I will not think about you. I will have fun, and laugh again. And enjoy every minute. Tomorrow I will deal with the hangover.” - Anon
“I want to make out with the fat guy from ‘The Hangover’. He’s amazing. I like big, fat guys with beards that wear thick glasses.” - Kesha
“Shower didn’t work. Coffee didn’t work. Cold air is not working. Snooze on the bus my only chance to get rid of my hangover.” - Twitter Tweet
“I have finally come to the conclusion that it’s not the drink that causes hangovers. It’s the sleep” - Anon
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Look! Up in the air! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! (Plop!) No, it’s definitely a bird.
According to research from British automotive supplier Halfords, red cars attract more bird droppings than any others. .
Its researchers checked out 1,140 cars in Brighton, Glasgow, Leeds, Manchester and Bristol over two consecutive days, and found that green cars came off best, followed by silver. White vehicles fared better than black.
Eighteen percent of red cars were marked with droppings, compared with 14 percent for blue, 11 for black, seven percent for white, three percent for grey or silver and just one percent for green.
They don’t know why?
Moral of the story:
Buy a green car!
Shit – A Bird Story
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story are:
Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
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THE ROOM WAS FULL OF PREGNANT WOMEN WITH THEIR
PARTNERS. THE CLASS WAS IN FULL SWING.
THE INSTRUCTOR WAS TEACHING THE WOMEN HOW TO
BREATHE PROPERLY AND WAS TELLING THE MEN HOW TO
GIVE THE NECESSARY ASSURANCE TO THEIR PARTNERS AT
THIS STAGE OF THE PREGNANCY.
SHE SAID “LADIES, REMEMBER THAT EXERCISE IS GOOD
FOR YOU. WALKING IS ESPECIALLY BENEFICIAL. IT
STRENGTHENS THE PELVIC MUSCLES AND WILL MAKE
DELIVERY THAT MUCH EASIER!” JUST TAKE SEVERAL STOPS
AND STAY ON A SOFT SURFACE LIKE GRASS OR A PATH.
SHE LOOKED AT THE MEN IN THE ROOM, “AND GENTLEMEN,
REMEMBER — YOU’RE IN THIS TOGETHER — IT WOULDN’T
HURT YOU TO GO WALKING WITH HER.”
THE ROOM SUDDENLY GOT VERY QUIET AS THE MEN
ABSORBED THIS INFORMATION.
THEN A MAN AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM SLOWLY RAISED
“YES?” ANSWERED THE TEACHER.
“I WAS JUST WONDERING. IS IT ALL RIGHT IF SHE
CARRIES A GOLF BAG WHILE WE WALK?”
Care to add any words of wisdom to this Mother’s Day Dictionary?
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It’s one of those evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me”¦”
Q: How do you fix a woman’s watch?
A: You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
Q: When will women will be equal to men?
A: When they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Fact: In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Fact: I married a Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
Fact: Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called a Wedding Cake.
and that’s when the fight started…
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“TRUST ME, I’VE HAD ALOT OF INTERVIEWS!”
Don’t look at your watch every 10 minutes.
Don’t play with things like a pen or a knickknack sitting on the interviewer’s desk.
Don’t get too comfortable.
Don’t promise to fix the company’s two years of losses and cure all the problems in the world.
Don’t assume that you have the job until it’s offered to you.
What to Say and do in a Job Interview
1. The art of listening
One of the first skills of a conversation is the art of listening.
2. When to speak
Keep in mind when to speak and when not to. This is doubly important when you are facing more than one interviewer.
3. The information you provide
Quality over quantity Concentration and focus are quite important.
4. Provide Facts
focus on relevancy.
6. A team player
Make it clear to the interviewers that you are a team player.
8. Future plans
9. Honest answers
Proof Read your resumeeee:
- “Skills: Strong Work Ethic, Attention to Detail, Team Player, Self Motivated, Attention to Detail”
- Woman who sent her résumé and cover letter without deleting someone else’s editing, including such comments as “I don’t think you want to say this about yourself here”
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Will the Vuvuzela be banned at the 2012 Summer Olympics in London?
While visiting South Africa during the 2010 World Cup, London Mayor Boris Johnson made it clear that he doesn’t want the horns to catch on back home.
“I’m not convinced that we are going to need an Olympic vuvuzela,” Johnson said “It’s a wonderful thing. It’s a beautiful instrument. It’s very easy to master, but I don’t think we’ll necessarily be issuing them to the crowds.”
“I’m very impressed with the vuvuzelas and,” but he added, “we’re thinking of not having them.