Funny Sarcastic Sayings and One Liners
As I’ve Matured…
I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.
I’ve learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I’ve learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I’ve learned that I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I’ve learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
Life isn’t like a box of chocolates, it’s more like a jar of jalapenos — you never know what’s going to burn your ass.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing them again.
I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Everyone is someone else’s weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot.. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Be careful . . .a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
The more Shit you put up with, the more Shit you are going to get.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!
Training means learning the rules. Experience means learning the exceptions
* She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
* McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
* The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
* The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
* The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
* Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
* The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
* Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on “All-you-can-Drink” night.
* He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
* Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
* She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
* The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lightpost.
* It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
* He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a refusetruck reversing.
* She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Texas beef.
* It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming… ‘Wow! What a ride!’
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders & says… “Oh shit…she’s awake!!”
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Life is sexually transmitted.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, “Quit while you’re ahead?”
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
“Driver Safety” – “I can’t use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.”
“Lawn Care” – “The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless.”
“the Perfect Man” – “All I’m looking for is a guy who’ll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed.”
“the Technology Revolution” – “My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice.”
“Aging” – “Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita.”