Archive for August, 2012

Golf The True Meaning

*

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term ‘mulligan’ is really a contraction of the phrase ‘maul it again.’

A ‘gimme’ can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers …neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the ‘gimme putt’, you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.

SENIOR’S DAY AT THE COURSE

Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers – 1 Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
The first engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t fit.”

Understanding Engineers – 2
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers -3
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers – 4
Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers – 5
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over,picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do anything that pleases you.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything to please you.” Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

Back to School Puns

Once A Pun A Time…

Decimals have a point.

I’ve failed the mathematics test so many times I lost count.

I didn’t understand the math, so the teacher summed it up for me.

HURRICANE ISAAC AND THE REPUBLICANS

Republicans aren’t worried about Hurricane Isaac.

It’s only a Level 1 hurricane.

Therefore, it is not

LEGITIMATE!!!

Bad timing for the Republican Convention —instead of the coronation for Mitt Romney, many television-watchers will be watching the weather Network! 

Good Timing for the rest of us!

Pong Game Show-off

Back to School Riddles – Corny

I found these Back to School Riddles to be rather clever.

On a personal note ~ It wasn’t school I disliked, it was just the principal of it.

Q. What flies around the kindergarten room at night?

A. The alpha-BAT.

Q. What did the ghost teacher say to his class?

A. ”Look at the board and I’ll go through it again!”

Q. Why did the students study in the aeroplane?

A. Because they wanted higher grades.

Q. Why doesn’t the sun go to college?

A. Because it has a million degrees!

Q. Why is it dangerous to do math in the jungle?

A. Because when you add four and four you get ate (eight).

Q. Why did the jellybean go to school?

A. To become a smartie!

Q. What is a math teacher’s favourite dessert?

A. Pi!

funny emails, funny stuff, stupid jokes

Alternate Meanings Mensa List ~ Clever

Mensa List

Your chuckle for the day.

Alternate Meanings

 The  Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take  any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and  create a new definition.

Here are the  winners:

1.  Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders  the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of  time.

2. Ignoranus  : A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting  a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start  with..

4.  Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a  hillbilly.

5.  Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that  stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,  shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any  misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti :  Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the  author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get  it.

9. Inoculatte :  To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10.  Osteopornosis : A  degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It’s like, when  everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then,  like, the Earth explodes and
it’s  like, a serious bummer.

12.  Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day  consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler  Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when  they come at you rapidly.

15.  Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just  after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider  web.

16. Beelzebug  (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at  three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you  turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

The Washington Post has also published the  winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to  supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners  were:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom  one coughs.

2.  Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight  one has gained.

3.  Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat  stomach.

4.  Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while  drunk.

5.  Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly  answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a  lisp.

8. Gargoyle,  n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle  that picks up someone who has been run over by a  steamroller.

10.  Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding  hairline.

11.  Testicle, n. A humorous question in an exam.

12. Rectitude, n.  The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A  Rastafarian (a monotheistic, religion movement amongst Christians in  Jamaica ) proctologist.

14. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

15. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Your Expression…

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

cute picture, email forward*

The Bathtub Test

 During  a visit to my doctor, I asked him,

“How do you determine whether or not an older

person should be put in a Care Home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we  offer a

teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person

to empty the bathtub.”

  

“Oh,  I understand,” I said.

“A normal person would use the

bucket because it is bigger than

the spoon or the  teacup.”

“No”  he said. “A normal person

would pull the plug. Do you

want a bed near the window?”

ARE  YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON

… OR DO YOU WANT THE BED

NEXT TO MINE?  

The IRISH PROSTITUTE