0. Top 10 Posts

Did you ever WONDER….?

When you have had a little time on your hands, did you ever wonder…

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there… I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s ass.”

Who ate the first oyster and why they did it?

How the Kardashians became so popular?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why Michele Bachmann took so long understanding what her God was telling her?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their ass when they ask where the bathroom is?

What could happen if the Republicans / GOP win the 2012 Presidential Election in the United Staes??

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

Why we make New Year’s Resolutions?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why Donald Trump isn’t King of America yet?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .

If the Mayans were playing a joke on us about the End of the World in 2012?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid! when it ‘s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why anyone would vote for Rick Santorum?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

funny stuff, great animation, free to copy, funny emails,

English is Hard to Learn! – Back to School

‘I refuse to read this refuse!’

******

A poem showing how Absurd the English Language is.

When the English tongue we speak.
Why is break not rhymed with freak?
Will you tell me why it’s true
We say sew but likewise few?
And the maker of the verse,
Cannot rhyme his horse with worse?
Beard is not the same as heard
Cord is different from word.
Cow is cow but low is low
Shoe is never rhymed with foe.
Think of hose, dose,and lose

And think of goose and yet with choose

Think of comb, tomb and bomb,
Doll and roll or home and some.
Since pay is rhymed with say
Why not paid with said I pray?
Think of blood, food and good.
Mould is not pronounced like could.
Wherefore done, but gone and lone -
Is there any reason known?
To sum up all, it seems to me
Sound and letters don’t agree.

This was written by Lord Cromer, published in the Spectator of August 9th, 1902

*******************

AND other strange English Language facts

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

A farm can produce produce.

The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

The present is a good time to present the present.

At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance for the invalid was invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

We polish the Polish furniture.

And Finally:

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

Quicksand can work slowly.

Boxing rings are square and

if vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat??????

365 Times a Year! That’s No Bull

I took my wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is about breeding bulls. We came up to the first pen and there is a sign that says, “This Bull mated 50 times last year.”

My wife poked me in the ribs and said, “He mated 50 times last year.”

We walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign, “This Bull mated 120 times last year.”

My wife hit me and said, “That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.”

We walked a little further to a third pen with a Bull and a sign, “This Bull mated 365 times last year.”

My wife got really excited and said, “That’s once a day.” You could REALLY learn something from this one.”

I turned to my wife and replied,

“Go up and ask him if it was with the same ol’ cow.”

I am a Bull!

and that’s when the fight started…

****

And then she said why don’t you see if this makes you more attractive:

sexual-attraction-and-the-tilted-head

For More, and that’s when the fight started,

click here: Fight Starters – Humor

funny emails, funny stuff

Tips for Living in Your Car in These Stalled Economic Times

Largest sports contracts  Two Hundred and Seventy-Five Million dollars for ten years is insane!!!

December 2011: 

United States ~ Census shows 1 in 2 people are poor or low-income

“Safety net programs such as food stamps and tax credits kept poverty from rising even higher in 2010, but for many low-income families with work-related and medical expenses, they are considered too ‘rich’ to qualify,” said Sheldon Danziger, a University of Michiganpublic policy professor who specializes in poverty.

“The reality is that prospects for the poor and the near poor are dismal,” he said. “If Congress and the states make further cuts, we can expect the number of poor and low-income families to rise for the next several years.”

November 29, 2011:

Eurozone finance ministers seek quick solutions as debt crisis engulfs euro, threatens EU

June 2011:

Consumer confidence at 25 year low!

May 31, 2011:

“Home prices hit a new recession low” and are down 5.1 percent from first-quarter 2010.

The World Bank has warned that rising food prices, driven partly by rising fuel costs, are pushing millions of people into extreme poverty.

How low can we go?

OUR FUTURE HOMES  

THIS 

  OR THIS?

The American Dream Machine ~ Living in Your Car

This could be the Rolls-Royce of all injustices.

Remember, ‘The Squeaky Wheel Gets the Grease.‘

The Government auto know better than to reduce benefits for the poor. Money needs to be distributed better in our society. I am writing this column so that I might be able to help steer politicians in the right direction. Otherwise, they are headed on the highway to hell. I am shocked by how much we have been lead astray by those in power. We have been conditioned to believe that this is an acceptable way to live. Putting pressure on your local politicians and aligning ourselves with those that appreciate the damage that has been done, may help us gain real traction.

I don’t acclaim to be an export on this issue, but gimme a brake! I think it’s my civic duty to report these facts. My mercury is rising and I don’t think we should dodge the problem. There are just too many people who can’t a ford to own or rent a home which is a tragedy in America and such a saab story! We are sadly cadilacking in support for the homeless.  Many homeless people have lost their dignity and are a shell of their former selves. I may be clutching at straws but I’m tired of doing nothing. I’m not too sure which direction America is steering but the current way of thinking needs some serious repairs.  We need to take this issue wheely seriously, unlike some politicians who take a blinkered perspective and are just fuel of scrap. Many, like Rick Scott, give an automatic response that the homeless are lazy and it’s their fault. We should work hard in order to help shift their attitudes because, quite frankly, I don’t like their tune. Many new laws should just be scrapped or reversed. Lately, many car dwelling people are running on empty, are driven to dispair, have no where to turn, and are just plain exhausted. Their dreams of days down on the beach will have to take a back seatfor quite a while.

Big business and politicians, in their efforts to drive down costs, have their blinkers on and have ignored the long term consequences of such a strategy. The window of opportunity is closing rapidly. We need to put the pedal to the metal and fire on all cylinders to get things rolling. It would be a great disservice to the poor if we didn’t explore all the avenues open to us. If we work together wheel be able to put pressure on politicians many of whom I’m not a fan of.   We need to gear up for a fight to help those in such tire straights and not allow this cause to stall.  I hope we can inject more money to help advocasy groups so they can accelerate this one through the courts. Hiring top lawyers may be the key to success and provide a spark of hope. Unfortunately, many of these types of actions get suspended or stalled in the court system.

It’s no use being cranky and continuing to fume about this issue. We need to spring into action inorder to make any kind of dent in this problem! Remember, ‘The Squeaky Wheel Gets the Grease.‘  A good place to start is to form a government panel before our efforts hit the skids. What ever happens, it looks like a bumpy road ahead for the homeless.

Unfortunately, I carn’t think of what else to do so oil leave now…

Instead of living on the Streets,

upwardly mobile Americans are living in their cars.

When people talk about Americans living in their cars,

they are not referring to cars and vans like the ones pictured below.

Bugatti 16c Galibier -family car – over 1 million dollars (good for making love)

A four-door family model will be joining the lineup of Bugatti, the maker of world’s fastest production car. Volkswagen AG, Bugatti’s corporate parent, has given the go-ahead to build the 16C Galibier sedan, which has a 1,000 horsepower engine, a top speed of approximately 220 miles per hour, and will cost about $1.4 million.

Advantages of Living in Your Car

You can enjoy the independence of being able to move wherever you want whenever I want.

You may be able to get a prime beach front location (for a few nights)

Easier to keep track of your possessions

That’s about it!

Disadvantages

Too many to list!

The sad truth is that a quick search of the internet will provide you with a plethora of information and advice about living in your car. It is a shocking trend that many politicians seem to ignore.

Not surprising with the growing erosion of many civil liberties in America today, many States are passing laws against living outdoors and homelessness. The rising gas prices don’t help!

**

Tips for Living in Your Car

Tip # 1

Try to Avoid parking in Florida where Rick Scott the wealthy Governor, continues his assault on the poor. Gov. Rick Scott (R-FL) has made his disdain for the poor pretty clear. He has urged huge cuts in many areas that sustain Florida’s most vulnerable, including disabled people and the elderly. His budget plan not only slashes funding for the Office of Homelessness, but communicates Scott’s belief that homeless people hold little worth by eliminating a homeless memorial day that doesn’t cost the state any money.

Rick Scott to the car dwellers: ‘Get a job! Oh, there aren’t any jobs. Well then, you’ll just have to try harder!’

Tip # 2

The fourth amendment of the US Constitution provides car dwellers with some security, which states:

“The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.”

Won’t be long before the Supreme court rules that cars are not houses.

 

Tip # 3

Speak to others with experience

One car dweller says: ‘So the all night parking centers and shopping centers are the best bets for those with long term problems. I remember L.L. Bean in Maine. They had a well-lighted parking lot. I was amazed at the amount of campers staying the night, and in at least one case, staying the week. The store was open 24 hours. There were clean bathrooms, and food available. During spring and summer it was fine, but winter’s in Maine are brutal. The homeless go somewhere else. Remember, avoid Rick Scott’s Florida!

Tip # 4 You will need:

• Car with insurance and license

• Blankets and pillows

• Towels and wash cloths

• Water

• Gas

• Food

• Gym membership (you will stay clean and work off stress)

• Automobile association membership (if your car insurance doesn’t include Roadside Assistance)

• If you have been homeless for a while, you may not have money for car insurance. Be aware that you can be considered a vagrant. Your car will be impounded. No money, no recovery of your car and the impounder has just stolen your car. Now where can you go??????

• Rent a P.O.Boxor a Private Mail Box (PMB). Although PMBs tend to be more expensive, you can receive packages at them and some services will let you use a address format which makes it appear to be an apartment, which is useful for when someone requires a physical address.

• Sign up for a gym membership  (This however, can be expensive, and if your resources are limited, you may find it to be a drain.)

• Renew any paperwork that will require an address to process soon.

• Put valuables in a safe deposit box at a bank.

  Tip # 5

• Traditional Games Played in Cars such a I Spy, ABC and License Games (unless you are on the move) may not work!

  If all else fails:

  If things continue to slide you can always Rent your car out as a sublet from Spring to Fall and then enjoy your vacation on the streets!

Hospital Know It All

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

“Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”

If you liked this, you may also enjoy this joke about the new Apple product:

iRon

Best Paraprosdokian Sentences. Any idea what that means? Or how to say it?

Any Idea what this is?A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Now you know!

Subject: Paraprosdokian Sentences

Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø   I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø   Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Ø   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø   If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

Ø   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Ø   War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Ø   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø   The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø   Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Ø   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø   Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Ø   Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.

Ø   I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø   I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

Ø   Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Ø   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø   The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø   Always borrow money from a pessimist. She won’t expect it back.

Ø   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Ø   Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø   I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Ø   There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

Ø   I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

Ø   I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

Ø   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø   Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Ø   Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Ø   If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Ø   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

For Valentine’s Day, try the The Love Tester App

http://www.e-forwards.com/2011/02/cupids-love-tester/

2 Cups of Coffee, Golf Balls and The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem, almost too much to handle,

when 24 Hours in a day is not enough,

remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class

and had some  items in  front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly,

he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar

and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students, if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured

them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.  They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively

filling the empty space between the sand.  The students laughed.

‘Now,’ said the professor, as the laughter subsided,

‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things – family,

children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions.

Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, Your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and  car.

The sand is everything else –The small stuff.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’  He continued,

‘there is no room for  the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,

You will never have room for the things that are important to you.

So…

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play With your children.

Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

‘Take care of the golf balls first –

The things that really matter.

Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.’

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.

‘I’m glad you asked’.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,

there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.’

Please share this with other “Golf Balls”

The Importance of Walking

The Importance of Walking

Especially with the high cost of GAS these days!

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

With rumors that Apple will be

selling an New iTV

reportedly that will be a

voice as well as 

gesture enabled TV set,

I won’t have to even reach

for the remote anymore!

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I’m doing.. 

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven’t lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they’ll say,
‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,……
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them

If you don’t forward
this to 1 of your friends within
the next 5 minutes your belly
button will unscrew and your
butt will fall off.
Really…. It’s true

 

 

My husband and I went shopping in the Mall for Christmas gifts,

and got a little exercise by walking around.

However, I got lost. Guess how he tried to find me?

click here: THE HELPFUL OLD BUGGER!

No Sex, no drugs, no life…

No Sex, No Coffee, no tea, no fun,  no life for BYU Students: 

http://www.e-forwards.com/2011/03/byu-honor-code-no-booze-no-sex-no-life/

***

Here’s something to think about.***

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?”

“Oh no,” I replied. “I’m not doing drugs, either!”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said, “No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”

“No, I don’t,” I said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”

“No,” I said.

He looked at me and said,” Then, why do you even give a crap?”

No sex, no drugs, no life...

***

Maybe she should read this Story about

How the Charlie Sheen Drug Works !

at: http://www.e-forwards.com/2011/03/charlie-sheen-how-the-charlie-sheen-drug-works

My Wife and the Job Interview – Speling doesnt mattor

My wife and I operate a small but growing business and we needed to hire a new employee. I threw this application in the garbage. SHE (without me knowing) replied to Bryan!

****************

AND THAT’S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED…

What does she see in Bryan? I bet he doesn’t even drink beer and watch TV!

and I was going to hire Kim Kardashian http://www.e-forwards.com/2010/12/kim-kardashian-most-popular-search-term-in-2010-why/