6. and that’s when the fight started…

Tiger Woods and The Masters Illegal Drop Scandal

Tiger Woods was assessed a two stoke penalty at the Masters for an illegal drop!

Who called in to let the officials know that Tiger Woods took an illegal drop?

There are a number of conspiracy theories

but many believe that the call was from Sweden.

Apparently a beautiful Swedish viewer was the caller!

Elin Nordegren?????????

The Masters Rules committee says a 2 stroke penalty is enough!

The Golf Channel “experts” say he should disqualify himself.

What do think Tiger Woods should do after being told he made an illegal drop.

Some say:

1. He should be disqualified.

2. Tiger Woods’ Penalty Should Have Been Assessed On The Spot Or Not At All

2. A two stroke penalty is enough

4. Tiger should continue to play

5. Tiger Woods should disqualify himself

If  Tiger Woods disqualifies himself from the masters for the illegal drop, one thing is certain. TV ratings will go way down. Most of the “experts”, who are fuelling this scandal,  on the Golf Channel should realize that their jobs probably wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for Tiger!

Tiger Woods and The Masters Illegal Drop Scandal

 to be continued…

My Wife’s Interviewing Skills

My wife and I operate a small but growing craft brewing business and we needed to hire a new employee. Bryan applied for an interview but I threw his application in the garbage. SHE (without me knowing) replied to Bryan!

****************

AND THAT’S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED…

I applied for the job. I feel really qualified to work in a beer business.

And she picked Bryan????

What does she see in Bryan? I bet he doesn’t even drink beer and watch TV!

Barbecue Humor and BBQ Puns

A Little Barbecue Humor and a Few BBQ Rules For You That Are Hot Off the Grill

To barbecue or not to barbecue, that is the question. – William Shakespeare

Barbecue is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity. – George Bernard Shaw

Build a barbecue that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. – George Bernard Shaw

What would you attempt to barbecue if you knew you could not fail? – Robert Schuller

Those who cannot remember the past barbecue are condemned to repeat it. – George Santayana

Experience is simply the name we give our barbecue mistakes. – Oscar Wilde

Always tell the truth about your barbecue. Then you don’t have to remember anything. – Mark Twain

BBQ RULES
Summary of the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine…
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine…
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine…
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘ her night off ‘ and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women!

and that’s when the fight started…

Some Rare Advice for Grate Barbecue Competitions!

If you ever want to smoke the competition, don’t grill your opponent, you’ll find that to be the pits. Never meat them before hand. You should really stake a claim on ribbing them; like calling them a clumsy cleaner or a slow cook. If you are a little nervous don’t chicken out or rake your self over the coals. That would be a missed steak! 

If you are barbecuing chicken and run out of poultry seasoning just wing it.

If you decide to bbq a rump roast use nothing butt the best!

Just relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to the competition.

North Korea Threatens War ~ How Crazy is Kim Jong-un

I feel sad and worried for the North Korean people.

North Korea has announced it is voiding non-aggression pacts

with South Korea and severing its hotline with Seoul,

hours after threatening the US with a pre-emptive nuclear strike.

DAMMIT, RODMAN! What did you do????

I do not think the regime in Pyongyang wants to commit suicide, but that, as they must surely know, would be the result of any attack on the United States.

A Middle Aged Woman, Plastic Surgery and God

A woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”
God said,”No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live”.

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital

and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come

in and change her hair colour. Since she had so

much more time to live,
she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home,

she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded,

“I thought you said I had
another 40 years?

Why didn’t you pull me out

of the path of the ambulance?”

God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”

GRANDPA AND GRANDMA GO HI TECH

LOL GRANDPA AND GRANDMA GO HI TECH

My Grandpa told me that after much deliberation

he has decided that he and Grandma

should get more involved with the Hi tech revolution.

He thought he would ask for a new

Apple iCar for Father’s Day…

And he was sure Grandma would be delighted to get

( instead of a new vacuum cleaner )

the following new Apple product for Mother’s Day

The iRon

and that’s when the fight started

Bridge Babies

I’d like a review of the bridge bidding with all the original inflections.

Playing Bridge card games is a great comfort in your old age.

Playing bridge also helps you get there faster. 

One gets use to abuse.(when playing bridge)

It’s waiting for it that is so trying. - Rueful Rabbit

I love these Baby Quotes about playing BRIDGE!

“Can I be your partner?”	“I have a count of 18 … I think.”	“I just don’t have a thing.”
“I hope this finesse works …”	“Quit talking and let’s play bridge.”	“THAT’S ENOUGH! … I simply don’t want to hear and more about it.”
“I thought we were playing no trump!”	“Is that bid supposed to be psychic?”	“I can’t remember how many trump are out.”
“You mean you opened on that!”	“I forgot we were vulnerable!”	“Doubled … Redoubled … and Two extra tricks!”
“A good peek is better than trying a finesse!”	“Whose bid is it?”	“Partner, we’re down again!”
“Don’t you have any spades at all?”	“I double!”	“… and I RE-double …”
“We made it!”	“Whatta partner …”	“This is positively the last rubber.”
“I just can’t believe I won first prize.”	“Goodbye; it was such a nice party!”

FAMOUS BRIDGE QUOTES

• Investing in a market where people believe in efficiency is like playing bridge with someone who has been told it doesn’t do any good to look at the cards.

  - Warren Buffett

• It’s not enough to win the tricks that belong to you. Try also for some that belong to the opponents.

  - Alfred Sheinwold

• The real test of a bridge player isn’t in keeping out of trouble, but in escaping once he’s in.

  - Alfred Sheinwold

• If you have the slightest touch of masochism you’ll love this game.

• We believe that contract ( when playing bridge card games ) is particularly attractive to people with a scrappy disposition.

  - Frank Perkins

• It’s not the skill that drops off with age, it’s the drive, the killer instinct … and when a man isn’t primed to kill he makes mistakes.

• Since the average person’s small supply of politeness must last him all his life, he can’t afford to waste it on bridge partners.

  - Alfred Sheinwold

  

• Bridge is essentially a social game, but unfortunately it attracts a substantial number of antisocial people.

  - Alan Truscott

• One advantage of bad bidding is that you get practice at playing atrocious contracts.

  - Alfred Sheinwold

• Where’s the hand you held during the auction?

  - A comment Jan Janitschke has made when dummy hits.

• South: Alert!

  East: Yes?

  South: I’m requested to further misdescribe my hand.

• It is not the handling of difficult hands that makes the winning player. There aren’t enough of them. It is the ability to avoid messing up the easy ones.

  - Alan Sontag

• Most bridge players prefer consistency in their partners rather than brilliance.

  - Matthew Granovetter

• The sum of all technical knowledge cannot make a master contract player (when playing bridge).

  - Ely Culbertson

• A knowledge of the mechanics will suffice to put a player in a commanding position in the post-mortem. To become a member of the upper crust calls for more, much more. Resilience, imagination, occasional flashes of inspiration, these are the hallmarks of quality. And this transcends the realm of science.

  - Victor Mollo

• The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

• Card sense is when it’s technically right to do something, the little man that sits on my shoulder or anyone else’s shoulder says, “Don’t do that.” And you say to yourself, “Well, wait a minute, that’s the right way to play.” And he says, “Yeah, but you don’t wanna play that way.” That instinct is card sense when playing bridge. It’s almost an ability to feel where the cards are. It’s something that you can’t buy, you can’t find; you’re born with. The ability to do the right thing at the wrong time or really to do the wrong thing at the right time.

  - Barry Crane

• I’m not sure whether glory or masterpoints is first on the list, but I know learning to play better is definitely last.

  - Eddie Kantar

• 

• Regardless of what sadistic impulses we may harbor, winning bridge means helping partner avoid mistakes.

  - Frank Stewart

• A player who can’t defend accurately should try to be declarer.

  - Alfred Sheinwold

• The real secret of the expert is to make logic seem like flair.

  - Hugh Kelsey

• Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

  - Alfred Sheinwold

• I favor light opening bids. When you’re my age, you’re never sure they’re going to get back to you in time.

  - Oswald Jacoby at 77

• Years ago there were only two acceptable excuses for not leading the suit your partner had opened; having no cards in the suit, and sudden death.

  - Alfred Sheinwold

• I think we’re all a little masochistic. Otherwise, why would we continue to play bridge?

• We had a partnership misunderstanding. My partner assumed I knew what I was doing.

• My partner is 20 years behind the times. Nowadays you pay your money to bid. My partner still thinks you need cards.

• Your play was much better tonight, and so were your excuses.

• We play forcing hesitations.

• A fellow had made a bad bid and gone for 1400. “I’m sorry,” he said to his partner, “I had a card misplaced.” Asked his partner innocently, “Only one card?”

  - Charles Goren

• If I did everything right, I wouldn’t be playing with you!

Next Great Inventions From Apple Computer

WHAT’S NEXT FOR APPLE COMPUTER?

Here are the TOP 4 new next great things from Apple Computer ~ new hi-tech products once the realm of sci-fi.

iTV

iCar

iWatch

and for women

iRon

and that’s when the fight started…

Senior Road Trip

If you aren’t senior you will be soon enough!

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside

restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal,

they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly

 left her glasses on the table,

and she didn’t miss them until

 they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation,

they had to travel quite a

distance before they could find a place to turn around,

in order to return to the restaurant to

retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband

became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained, and scolded

his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.

He just wouldn’t let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside

to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

“While you’re in there, you might as well get

my hat and the credit card.”

This coming week is

National Senior Mental 

Health Week.  

You can do YOUR part by remembering

to contact at least one

unstable Senior to show you care.

I have now done MY part.

Great Golf Joke

Golfing With My Wife Humor

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his neck.  

(He looked like Tiger Woods)

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this,” said the man.  “I was having a nice quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture full of cows.  We went to look for the ball and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end.  I walked over and lifted up the cow’s tail, and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt.  That’s when I made my mistake…”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the cow’s tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”

and that’s when the fight started…