Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. The neighbor was curious and wanted to know what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, so he politely asked,”What are you up to there, Little Johnny?” “My goldfish died,” replied Little Johnny tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big grave for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Little Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your stupid cat.”
****
Some might say Poor CAT!
funny emails
funny emails
“If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere” – anonymous
Why teachers drink
These are actual answers to test questions in the classroom!
That means this material has been studied for a period of time before the test questions were asked (just so you non-teachers know)!
why teachers drink, very funny email forward, funn
y test answers
Teacher: Who had a worldwide hit with “It’s A Wonderful World”?
Student: I don’t know.
Teacher: I’ll give you a couple of clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Student: Arm.
Teacher: Correct. And if you’re not weak, you’re …?
Student: Strong.
Teacher: Correct: And what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?
Student: Louis.
Teacher: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song “It’s A Wonderful World”?
Student: Frank Sinatra?
We taught these Contestants.
From Late Show (BBC Midlands):
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Same contestant: Sorry, I don’t know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.
A few more dumb people:
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children,Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
funny emails
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, ‘T-square, do your stuff.’
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better He called his cat and
said,
‘Spreadsheet, do your stuff.’
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said, ‘Measure, do your stuff.’
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass
without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, ‘What can
your cat do?’
The Government Employee called his cat and said, ‘CoffeeBreak, do your
stuff.’
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet…….
Ate the cookies……….
Drank the milk…….
Shit on the paper…….
Screwed the other three cats…….
Claimed he injured his back while doing so……..
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions……..
Put in for Workers Compensation…………….
and
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave…………
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANT’S TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, ‘T-square, do your stuff.’
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
said,
‘Spreadsheet, do your stuff.’
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said, ‘Measure, do your stuff.’
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass
without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, ‘What can
your cat do?’
stuff.’
Ate the cookies……….
funny email forward
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, ‘You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.’
The cat thought for a minute and then said, ‘All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.’
God said, ‘Say no more.’ Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat
The mice said, ‘Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.’
God answered, ‘It is done.’ All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, ‘Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?’
The cat replied, ‘Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life.. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!’
