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Best Mother’s Day Gifts
For that Special Mother in your life,
you might want to consider the following two GREAT GIFT IDEAS.
They are free
No tax
No special equipment needed,
No batteries or parts
Always arrive on time
Guaranteed to please
Extremely Personal
Shipping is free
and they a returnable
A MASSAGE
AND A HUG
Just open up your arms
And open up your hearts.
Research also shows that our skin is teeming
with nerve fibres which spring into action when we are
cuddled, hugged, massaged or gently touched.
They transmit the information back to the brain’s emotional hub,
creating feelings of pleasure.
Did you know that, if you visualise, you can actually hug on the phone? ~ Shelly Long
Where I live if someone gives you a hug it’s from the heart. ~ Steve Irwin
A hug is like a boomerang – you get it back right away. ~ Bil Keane
But remember,
a hug without a squeeze
is like apple pie without cheese.
Don’t Forget Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day Date for most Countries
Second Sunday in the month of May.
United Kingdom/England: Mother’s Day is called Mothering Sunday and falls on the fourth Sunday in Lent.
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Metta World Peace Not So Peaceful!
Name Fail
NBA player, Metta World Peace’s first name means
“Loving and Kindness”
His name should be ~ Metta World Moron
He hurt James Harden, his fans, his team and his reputation!
The media and internet are filled with outrage over the vicious elbow
Metta World Peace swung at Oklahoma City’s James Harden
in an NBA basketball game.
And there’s no question that Metta World Peace will forever be mocked about changing his name from Ron Artest.
NBA ALLSTAR ELBOW!
From Twitter:
From tennis star Andy Roddick (@andyroddick): “I think metta world peace should change his name to holy flying elbow.”
@phabriss: “After that little elbowing incident Sunday, I think Ron Artest’s name should be Metta World War, not Metta World Peace.”
@PatMcAfeeShow: “Metta world peace got a bit Ron Artesty didn’t he.”
@JCLayfield: “Shouldn’t Ron Artest become Metta World Moron after last night’s flagrant foul? World Peace just doesn’t seem right.”
@awfulannouncing: “How could Metta World Peace have a crazy Ron Artest relapse on Earth Day of all days? Cmon man.”
World Peace seems to think that he did nothing wrong at all, one of his tweets defending his action reads: “I just watched the replay again….. Oooo.. My celebration of the dunk really was too much… Didn’t even see James ….. Omg… Looks bad”.
***
Strange Case of Dr Artest and Mr. Peace
(Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde)
Ron Artest has a history of violence, but World Peace has been rehabilitated and has behaved fairly well.
Which player will David Stern punish?
METTA WORLD PEACE ~ SHATTERED IMAGE!
Two questions to be answered:
1. How long should his suspension be?
2. What will his new name be?
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Exercise or the tortoise life?
As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world,
I rapidly realized - It’s the tortoise life for me!
I rapidly realized - It’s the tortoise life for me!
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don’t think so.
I’m retired. Go around me!
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British Golf Rules 1940
This notice posted in war-torn Britain in 1940 for golfers
with stiff upper lips.
You have to admit — these guys really had guts!
German aircraft from Norway would fly on missions to
northern England ; because of the icy weather conditions,
the barrels of their guns had a small dab of wax to protect
them. As they crossed the coast, they would clear their guns
by firing a few rounds at the golf courses. Golfers were
urged to take cover.
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You call this Camping? ~ Camping in the Future
Camping used to be intense!
Telecommunications company, Orange, has created what they believe could be the “tent of the future.” TheGlastonbury Solar tent uses photovoltaic fabric, glo-cation technology, a wireless control hub, and groundsheet heat. This concept tent was built with help of American design firm Kaleidoscope.
The photovoltaic fabric uses solar energy to produce energy for powering gadgets plugged in to the tent, allowing wireless Internet to work, and powering a flexible LCD screen.
Why not just stay home?
Camping Jokes
I got arrested one night while camping.
The policeman said I was loitering within tent.
**
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, “This is the place!”.
The other replied, “No, it’s not!”.
The first man said, “Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.
To which the other man replied, “Silly, you can’t tell a brook by it’s clover.”
**
There is an apocryphal camping shop in the UK that ran a promotion during the low season whose strapline was…
… wait for it
.. “Now is the winter of our discount tent”
The Infamous Sherlock Holmes Camping Joke:
Sherlock Holmes and His sidekick Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up the tent site, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his trusty friend with a shake…
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replies, “I see millions of bright stars.”
Holmes then asked… “What does that tell you?”
Watson thought for a moment before answering: “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Sherlock, What does it tell you?”
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. “Watson, you moron, someone has stolen our tent.”
Extreme Camping
As Alexander the Great led his troops into Persia, his soothsayers urged him to cease from conquest and reign content as king of all Greece. The divine Alexander, in his pride, was wont to brush these warnings aside, until one day, lightning struck from a clear sky and completely destroyed the royal bivouac.
“A portent!” cried the priests.
“Whadya want,” said Alexander, “we get them at cost.”
My girl friend and I just graduated from the University of Bearkeley and we thought we would go camping for a week to get away from it all. On the first night, we just bearly got to sleep when we were awakened by a strange sound. It took us a few seconds to get our bearings! I told my girlfriend that I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I think we are in a grizzly situation. She said don’t tease me, I don’t find you beary funny. I pawsed for just a second to listen some more and I realized that it was a grizzly bear and that we were in big trouble. I told her to bear with me while I think of what we should do. I was not pre-beared for this. I clawed my way through the bear essentials in our tent and decided to make as much noise as possible so that the bear might be scared away. My girlfriend was going Bear-zerk. We made so much noise that we woke up all the other campers. It was Pandamoneum! It turned out that the sound was from a solar tent on the site next to ours. The guy was watching a TV special about bears on his computer.
Facing the other campers was un-BEAR-able and we were so embearassed! She said this is the beary last time she would ever go camping. Our relationship bearly lasted after that!
Grizzly Alert
In case anyone is considering doing some camping this spring or summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.
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High Cost of Gas in France Joke
I auto know better than to post this! But everyone’s fuming over the high cost of gas and I thought a little humor might cheer you up!
Unfortunately, I carn’t think of what else to write because I have engine block, so oil just tell the joke…
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error,
he replied, “Monsieur, zat is the reason I stole de paintings.
I had no Monet
to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh.”
See if you have de Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.
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THE FIRST FOOTBALL GAME
Curtis took Leroy to his first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked him how he liked the experience.
‘Oh, I really liked it,’ he replied, ‘especially the cheering and the big hits, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.’
Dumbfounded, Curtis asked, ‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I’m like….Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!
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Doomsday Preppers
What type of disaster will end the World as we know it?
(Teotwawki)
Solar Flares, Climate Change, Aliens, Earthquakes, World War 111, Deadly Virus, food shortage, oil shortage, Rebellion on the 99% against the 1%, or some great Cataclysmic Event?
Regardless of the cause of Teotwawki, many ordinary citizens are preparing for Doomsday!
They are known as ”preppers.”
OR
Teotwawki Doomers
YOYO: You’re On Your Own
Survivalists
Disateroids
Collapists
Freeze dried specialists
The zombie patrollers
Hoarders
NINJA: No Income, No Job or Assets
Peaknik: An adherent of Peak Oil Theory.
Fools
Even Costco has jumped on the bandwagon, delivering survival kits in handy backpacks — enough food for two weeks, knives, a hatchet, duct tape, a tent and first-aid kit.
But what do you do after 2 weeks?
After a great deal of research and thought, I have come to the conclusion that Preppers are wasting their time. After all, what’s the point in living in a world without the internet, Facebook, Google+, TV, Pinterest, and Twitter?
If you can’t recharge your iPad, then you have nothing!
However, if you believe that you can survive the end of the world, then you might be interested in this sign:
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Kids advice about Relationships
1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”
Alan, age 10
“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”
Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.”
Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
“You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.”
Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
“Both don’t want any more kids.”
Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.”
Lynnette, age 8
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”
Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
“When they’re rich.”
Pam, age 7
“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”
Curt, age 7
“The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.”
Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.”
Anita, age 9
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?”
Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
“Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck .”
Ricky, age 10
