Funny Pictures

VALENTINE LOVE POEM

DON’T FORGET VALENTINE’S DAY ~ FEBRUARY 14

Football Jokes, NFL, Super Bowl

“Football is a game played with arms, legs and shoulders but mostly from the neck up.” 

 Knute Rockne 

Super Bowl XLVI  (46) February 5, 2012 

New York Giants & New England Patriots

Congratulations to the GIANTS! 21- 17

SUPER BOWL CHAMPS

Princess, the star Camel of New Jersey’s Popcorn Park Zoo, has correctly picked the winner of five of the last six Super Bowls. She went 14 and 6 predicting regular season and playoff games this year, and has a lifetime record of 88-51.

Her pick this year: The New York Giants.

Stare at the picture to see the best optical illusion ever.

Just for fun

I know it’s a long stretch, but I’m sticking my neck out and picking the Patriots!

 Wonder who Madonna picks?

If I spend money for a Super Bowl ticket ~ “Do I get to have sex with Madonna?”  David Letterman

Letterman read “Questions to Ask Yourself Before Spending $16,000 on a Super Bowl Ticket” on Tuesday’s edition of his late-night talk show.
The list read as follows –

10. “Do they have anything in the more affordable $15,000 range?”

9. “Have I recently divorced eitherKobe Bryant or Tiger Woods?” 

8. “Can I afford it after spending $12,000 on a Pro Bowl ticket?”

7. “Isn’t this why the rest of the world hates us?”

6. “Would it make more sense to watch at home and spend the 16 grand on snacks?”

5. “Before I spend the money, how’s Gronkowski’s ankle?”

4. “For $4,000 an hour, couldn’t I get a really good hooker?”

3. “If I’ve got 16 grand, should I buy the Mets?”

2. “Will I forever be known as ‘the ass [expletive] who spent $16,000 on a Super Bowl ticket?’”

1. “Do I get to have sex with Madonna?” 

Well, say, this (football) beats croquet. There’s more go about it!
- quoted in “Mark Twain at Football Game,” New York World, Sunday November 18, 1900

According to a poll, 43% of Americans thought God helped Tim Tebow win football games.  But many of them also resented it because that meant God was sitting at home watching football while they were at church. 

Joe Biden was at a Democratic fundraiser last week in San Francisco and he said, “The Giants are on the way to the Super Bowl.”  After getting jeered he said he made a mistake because the San Francisco baseball team is the Giants.  Who would have thought Biden would ever get confused?  Anyway, since the subject was football it is appropriate that he stuck his foot in his mouth.

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SUPER BOWL SUNDAY is the number one

SNACK DAY in the United States.

Not a good day to start a diet or maintain a diet.

Companies are spending a fortune in

The Battle For Your Stomach

Just sit back and enjoy a SUPER BOWL of:

chili, chips, dip, chicken wings,

processed sliced meat or pizza

Want to be a creative host at your Super Bowl Party?

Try serving these hefty caloric unique snacks:

Scroll over the picture for their names!

New York state bakery named Coccadotts Cake Shop is selling a combination of cornbread and bleau cheese frosting — with a big ol’ chicken wing on top. Said Rachel Coca-Dott, owner of the bakery in Colonie near Albany:

I was thinking about the Super Bowl. What goes with the Super Bowl but chicken wings? And I said, ‘Oh, a chicken wing cupcake, Rachel?’ And I tried five or six recipes and the last recipe when I was ready to call it quits I think we kinda nailed it on it.

In the Patriots initial media session, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, made a good attempt to get the Indianapolis home town fans on his side when he mentioned the Patriots’ loss to the rival Colts in 2009.

“I never had too much hospitality here until I went for it on fourth-and-2,” Belichick quipped. “Since then, I’ve been greeted in a lot more friendly manner than I was in the past.”

****

A ball boy made an incredible catch during the Australian Open Tennis match between Federer and Nadal. I’ll have to check the stats, but I think that grab gives the kid the same number of receptions that Green Bay Packers receivers had in the playoffs.

Where do hungry football players play? In the Supper Bowl.

Q: What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl in Arlington, Texas?
A: The Dallas Cowboys!

Q: What’s the difference between the Green bay Packers and Cheerios?
A: Cheerios belongs in a bowl.

Superbowl Commitment…
… A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field.
He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken.
The man replied, “No.”
Amazed the young man asked, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older gentleman responded, “That’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the man said. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man said, “They’re all at the funeral.”

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, “What is your IQ?”
The man answers “241.”
“That is wonderful!,” says Albert. “We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!” Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, “What is your IQ?”
The lady answers, “144.”
“That is great!,” responds Albert. “We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!”
Albert goes to another person and asks, “What is your IQ?”
The man answers, “51.”
Albert responds, “How ’bout them Packers?”

The Cheesehead teacher and Little Johnny

“A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Cheesehead.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Cheeseheads too.
No one really knowing what a Cheesehead was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A boy named Little Johnny who has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different.
“Because I’m not a Cheesehead.”

“Then”, asks the teacher, “What are you?”
“Why, I’m a proud Steeler Fan,” boasts Little Johnny.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Little Johnny why he is a rebel.
“Well, my mom and dad are Steeler Fans, so I’m a Steeler Fan too.”
The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”
A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Little Johnny, “I’d be a Cheesehead”.”

“The city of Pittsburgh is on top of the sports world. To remain there, they’ll have to sell the Pirates”

“The Steelers are keeping the natural grass on their field so that the offensive line has something to graze on.”

Next Season
The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, “The Panthers are Super Bowl contenders.”Snow White thought to herself, “Thank God… at least Dopey’s survived!”

*

“My definition of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself!”

What Bugs You? ~ The Republican Presidential Race Bugs Me!

There are a few things out there that are universally annoying

– like fingernails on a blackboard

~ “It seems to be something intrinsic about that mix of frequencies,” Lichtman says. “The change in volume rapidly – it’s called ‘rough’ in acoustics – most people’s ears don’t like that stimulus.”

or the GOP candidates.

“It’s extremely well-established, when you’re getting lower-quality information coming in, you’re having to work harder to understand and reconstruct it.”

Now I know why the GOP Candidates bug me so much.

While there are plenty of irritants in the world, there aren’t a lot of ways to alleviate that sense of annoyance. Palca points out that they’re part of human life and they’re something that everyone has to deal with from time to time.

But there are some techniques that people can use — distracting yourself if you’re stuck in a long line or something Palca calls “cognitive restructuring.”

“You can tell yourself that that mosquito is just a part of the life flow of the world and I shouldn’t be mad,” he says. “It’s just trying to do what it was genetically programmed to do.”

Basically, though, the bottom line is that you’re stuck, it’s annoying, and that’s part of life.

From:

HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY

Groundhog Day is a holiday (not official) celebrated on February 2 in the United States and Canada. 

Groundhogs are woodchucks, members of the squirrel family, marmots, sometimes called “whistle-pigs.” 

According to folklore,

if it is cloudy when a groundhog emerges from its burrow on this day, it will leave the burrow, signifying that winter-like weather will soon end.

If it is sunny, the groundhog will supposedly see its shadow and retreat back into its burrow, and the winter weather will continue for six more weeks.

The largest Groundhog Day celebration is held in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. ~ wikipedia

Full name of Punxsutawney Phil

~ ”Punxsutawney Phil, Seer of Seers, Sage of Sages,

Prognosticator of Prognosticators and

Weather Prophet Extraordinaire.”

In Canada, it was 1956 before Wiarton Willie ( Canadian cousin to Punxsutawney Phil ) became a household name for his early February prognostications. Wiarton is a pretty town of 2,300 on the Bruce Peninsula between Lake Huron and Georgian Bay.

In Scotland, the tradition may also derive from an English poem:

As the light grows longer
The cold grows stronger
If Candlemas be fair and bright
Winter will have another flight
If Candlemas be cloud and rain
Winter will be gone and not come again
A farmer should on Candlemas day
Have half his corn and half his hay
On Candlemas day if thorns hang a drop
You can be sure of a good pea crop

The Groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, is right about 40% of the time!

What day is today?

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I’ll bet you don’t know what special day this is.”

“Of course I do,” he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.

“First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!” she exclaimed. 

“I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!

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DONALD TRUMP, MITT ROMNEY, NEWT GINGRICH AND GROUNDHOG DAY

This year, both Groundhog Day and the race for the GOP presidential nomination occur at roughly the same time.

It is an ironic similarity of events: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to creatures of little intelligence for prognostication while the other involves a groundhog. After all they have the brain the size of a walnut, so they don’t have much to work with.

Donald Trump will announce today that he is endorsing

Newt Gingrich

or

someone else.

This just in:

Donald Trump endorsed Mitt Romney for President.

He will not mount an independent campaign if Romney is the Republican nominee.

I wonder if there is any special significance to why he chose Groundhog Day?

The media was full of predictions about who Trump would endorse.

The real headline should be:

Who Cares and Does it Really Matter?

Trump and the Tea Party Candidates remind me of another famous Tea Party with the Mad Hatter

The whole thing is “As mad as a hatter”

~ Meaning Completely Mad.

The following poster was made before the official Trump announcement.

I’ll keep it here just in case Trump changes his mind.

The GOP / Republican Silly season continues to be very interesting. This is especially true, since Donald Trump just can’t seem to stay out of the limelight. His endorsement of a losing candidate is very interesting.

They are all NUTS!

The Nut

When you’ve bats in your belfry that flut,
When your comprenez-vous rope is cut,
When there’s nobody home
In the top of your dome –
Then your head’s not a head; it’s a nut.

A Curler’s Valentine Message

Golfer’s Valentine Message

Humorous and Inspirational Quotes and Sayings About Valentine’s Day and Love

Please be my Valentine!

Valentine’s Day is a time when we search out romantic quotes and sayings about love for a Valentine’s Day card.

Many prefer a humorous love quote or a funny Valentine’s Day saying.

Here are just a few:

“I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.” ~Unknown

“Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is.” ~Unknown

“I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.” ~Tracy Smith

• “Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” ~ Robert Frost

• “Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” ~ Robert Heinlin

• “If you ever think of me out of the blue, just remember it’s all the kisses I’ve blown in the air finally catching up with you.” ~ Unknown

• “At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet.” ~ Plato

• “Life’s greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved.” ~ Victor Hugo

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• “Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.” ~ Unknown

• “I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love.” ~ Mother Teresa

• “Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” ~ Franklin P. Jone

• “Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life.” ~ Lord Byron

• “When you’re in love with someone, it inspires you and gives you hope. You have faith that even if you can’t be with them on earth, that if God wills, you will be with them one day in heaven.” ~ Unknown

• “Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.” ~ Henry Louis Mencken

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• “The hottest love has the coldest end.” ~ Socrates
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• “Immature love says, ‘ love you because I need you.’ Mature love says, ‘I need you because I love you.’” ~ Erich Fromm
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• “Lord, grant that I might not so much seek to be loved as to love.” ~ St. Francis of Assisi
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• “You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.” ~ Henny Youngman
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• “Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.” ~ Anais Nin
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• “A life without love is like a year without summer.” ~ Sweedish Proverb
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• “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” ~ Helen Keller

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Funny Poster For Valentine’s Day ~ What is Love?