Funny Sayings

WOMEN AND ANGER

MY NEW PHYSICIAN

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up! 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape! 

Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

AND…..

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans…

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like – speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Valentine Puns

ON VALENTINE’S DAY

MANY PEOPLE TAKE HEART

Volcano

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I lava you!

Devil

You’re hot, I love you.

You lucky devil.

Dinosaur

You are dino-mite

Don’t let our love become extinct.

Golf, Tees

I’m crazy fore you

You make my heart putt-putt

Suited to a tee

We are a Par-fect couple

Cupid

 All-I-Gator say is I love you 

I’m wild about you 

Snappy Valentine’s Day

I’d snap at a chance to be your valentine

Angel Food Cake

Thanks for being an angel—you take the cake

You’re the right catch 

You are my All Star

We’ll have a ball together

You batter believe that I love you

We’ve really hit it off

You stole my heart

With you as my valentine, I’ll never have to play the field

Every time I’m near you I get all choked-up

Nuts

I’m nuts about you

Here’s to all the nutty things we’ve done

Popcorn

Popping in to say Happy Valentine’s Day 

Don’t mean to be corny, but will you be mine?  

You are pop!-pop!-popular 

I’m e-kernel-ly yours

TEA

You are pre-tea cute 

Love is brewing 

You are tea-riffic 

Love you to eterni-tea 

You suit me to a tea

TIME

The time we spend together is priceless 

Time stands still when I’m with you 

I’ll love you ‘til the end of time

I love you big time 

TRAIN

I choo-choo-choose you

What are you a-freight of? Please be my valentine!

We are on the right track

Our love will never de-rail

You steam roll me over

You are on the ex-press track to my heart

Our love will never need re-training

Yoda one for me

More Animal Valentine Puns and One liners

Q: Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
A: Sure, they’re very scent-imental.

Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
A: “I love you a ton!”

Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A: “You’re fun to hang around with.”

Q: Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
A: He fell in love with a pincushion.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Humorous and Inspirational Quotes and Sayings About Valentine’s Day and Love

Please be my Valentine!

Valentine’s Day is a time when we search out romantic quotes and sayings about love for a Valentine’s Day card.

Many prefer a humorous love quote or a funny Valentine’s Day saying.

Here are just a few:

“I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.” ~Unknown

“Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is.” ~Unknown

“I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.” ~Tracy Smith

• “Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” ~ Robert Frost

• “Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” ~ Robert Heinlin

• “If you ever think of me out of the blue, just remember it’s all the kisses I’ve blown in the air finally catching up with you.” ~ Unknown

• “At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet.” ~ Plato

• “Life’s greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved.” ~ Victor Hugo

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• “Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.” ~ Unknown

• “I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love.” ~ Mother Teresa

• “Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” ~ Franklin P. Jone

• “Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life.” ~ Lord Byron

• “When you’re in love with someone, it inspires you and gives you hope. You have faith that even if you can’t be with them on earth, that if God wills, you will be with them one day in heaven.” ~ Unknown

• “Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.” ~ Henry Louis Mencken

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• “The hottest love has the coldest end.” ~ Socrates
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• “Immature love says, ‘ love you because I need you.’ Mature love says, ‘I need you because I love you.’” ~ Erich Fromm
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• “Lord, grant that I might not so much seek to be loved as to love.” ~ St. Francis of Assisi
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• “You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.” ~ Henny Youngman
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• “Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.” ~ Anais Nin
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• “A life without love is like a year without summer.” ~ Sweedish Proverb
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• “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” ~ Helen Keller

DON’T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THE FOLLOWING POSTER!

VALENTINE’S DAY IS NOT CANCELED!

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When is Valentine’s Day 2012?

Valentine’s Day in 2012 is on a Monday.

Valentine’s Day is always celebrated on

February 14th. 

Don’t Forget!

Curling Humour

Curling… when you can tell your lady that she is wide without fear of getting whacked upside the head with a cast iron pan.  Or proclaim out loud that she is too heavy, knowing that your comment has been heard by countless bystanders.  Where you can order your better half to sweep, sweep hard, and having the never before seen result of actually seeing her gutting it out just to please you!  For in curling, you are the king of the house!  ~Author Unknown

Newt Gingrich and Natural Disasters

Nobody teaches Icelandic or Hawaiian volcanoes to erupt,
Floods to arise,
Hurricanes to form, 

Nobody teaches how to choose a wife

Nobody understands why

Newt Gingrich is Running for President in 2012

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Natural disasters just happen!!!!!!!!!!

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Recently Michele Bachmann commented on marriage and government ( anti gay statement) ~ “I think that marriage is very important. It is the fundamenta­­l unit of our government­­.”

Then Gingrich should be the best option for President…­he’s done it more often than the rest.

Valentine Wedding

Just before Valentine’s Day, two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other very well.  They decided that it would be so romantic if they could get married on Valentine’s Day.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, “I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!”

“IMPOSSIBLE !!,” said the groom broom.

“We haven’t even swept together!”

Funny and Cute Valentine Love Quotes

You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. Dr. Seuss

‘Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.’

Mickey Rooney

‘My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.’

Rita Rudner

‘The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.’

Ann Landers

‘I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that, they just about throw up.’

Barbara Bush

‘Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.’

Groucho Marx

Funny Easter Quotes and One Liners

All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt!
Lucy Van Pelt, “Peanuts”

Alzheimer’s Advantage #2: You can hide your own Easter eggs. ~ Anonymous

Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter. Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Xmas. – Jack Handy

There’s nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with CHOCOLATE.
Linda Grayson, “The Pickwick Papers”

Easter says you can put truth in a grave, but it won’t stay there.

Clarence W. Hall

I’m a little hoarse tonight. I’ve been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
Fred Allen

A strangely reflective, even melancholy day. Is that because, unlike our cousins in the northern hemisphere, Easter is not associated with the energy and vitality of spring but with the more subdued spirit of autumn.
Hugh Mackay

My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.
Amy Sedaris

Forget love; I’d rather fall in chocolate. – Anonymous

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