7. Old Age or Golden Years Jokes

Funny Poster For Valentine’s Day ~ What is Love?

How to Get Lots of Valentines

Be My Valentine Fail

10 Cent Drinks

Four old retired guys, after playing a round of golf in Santee South Carolina, wanted to get a drink. In town, they saw a sign that says, ‘Old Timers Bar – All Drinks 10 Cents.’ They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, gentlemen?”

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis — shaken, not stirred — and says, “That’ll be 10 cents each, please.”

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment and then look at each other. They can’t believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, “That’s 40 cents, please.” They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.

They have each had two martinis and so far they’ve spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?”

“I’m a retired tailor from Boston,” the bartender said, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime – wine, liquor, beer, it’s all the same.”

“Wow!!!! That’s quite a story,” says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn’t help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn’t have drinks in front of them, and hadn’t ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, “What’s with them?”

The bartender says, “They’re retired people from Florida. They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.”

Sexual Satisfaction Increases with Age

 A new study reveals that women’s satisfaction in the bedroom increases with age, even as sexual desire wanes.

The study, analyzed sexual activity, desire and satisfaction in a group of women, age 40 or older, with a median age of 67 years. The 806 women studied were part of the Rancho Bernardo Study, which has tracked the health of residents within a planned community in San Diego for 40 years.

The majority of women — including sexually active and sexually inactive respondents — were moderately or very satisfied with their sex lives, and the frequency at which women were very satisfied with their sex lives increased with respondents’ ages. Likewise, nearly two-thirds of the women reported at least moderate satisfaction with their sexual relationships. The study was published in The American Journal of Medicine this month.

Older People are Happier

Recent Study suggests that as the brain ages and loses some of its memory, there is a subconscious choice in what to remember and what to let go, and the positive memories are more likely to stay.

But older people are happier and get more positive as they age, according  to psychologists.

The study found a more mature brain is better equipped to see the sunny side of life.

As people move from middle to old age, they tend to focus on positive events and filter out bad ones, the researchers suggest.

Older people cope with a negative event by simply shrugging it off and moving on, said the study for the journal Perspectives on Psychological Science.

“As you grow old, you lose interest in sex, your friends drift away and your children often ignore you. There are other advantages of course, but these are the outstanding ones.”

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Here’s something to think about.

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I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?”

“Oh no,” I replied. “I’m not doing drugs, either!”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said, “No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”

“No, I don’t,” I said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”

“No,” I said.

He looked at me and said,” Then, why do you even give a crap?”

 “You know you’re getting old when..
An “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee!
You and your teeth don’t sleep together anymore.
“Your mind not only wanders. Sometimes it leaves completely.”
All the names in your black book have M.D. after them.”
“Getting a little action” means I don’t need fiber today”
“Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
My teeth are my own. I have the receipt.
The candles cost more than the cake.
Your back goes out more than you!

No sex, no drugs, no life…

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I Married One For the Money…

The local news station was interviewing an 80 year old lady, because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80 and then about her new husband’s occupation! “He’s a funeral director,” she answered. “Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, and a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

Astonished, the interviewer looked at her and asked, “Why did you marry four men with such diverse careers?”

She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.”

Final Word on Diet, Nutrition and Health

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Funny Sayings about Stress

 ”How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then to rest afterward!”
- Spanish Proverb

1. You know you’re stressed out when you can hear Mimes.

2. If it weren’t for stress I’d have no energy at all.

3. Of all the things I`ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

4. Usually I try to take it one day at a time, but lately several have attacked me at once…

5. I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

6. Everytime I think I’ve hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel.

7. A great education has made me what I am today-Stressed!

8. Stress: The confusion created when one’s mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some idiot who desperately deserves it.

9. I’ve tried yoga, but I find stress less boring.

10. You give up one of the best shows and best paying jobs on TV – Charlie Sheen  — Stressed or Nuts!

REAL STRESS

You give a lift to this beautiful hitchhiker, who suddenly faints in your car.

You drive her to the hospital where

the doctor tells you that she is pregnant.

The staff congratulates you, but you vehemently deny to be the father.

However the woman claims you are.
Do you feel the stress building?

You demand a DNA test to proof you’re not the father

and the result comes back that you’re infertile

and probably already since you were born.

That is stressful news but on the other hand

you feel somewhat relieved as well, until you drive home

and think about the three kids you have at home.

Now that is true stress!

Some wonderful lessons here………………….enjoy!!

Maybe this might help relieve your stress???

A Beautiful and Inspirational Story about New Year’s Eve and Growing Old

Now that I am in my Golden Years, I would like to share this

Beautiful and Inspirational Story

about New Year’s Eve  and Growing Old

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Bugger …

I’ve forgotten what it was….