Halloween

Best Coffin Halloween Joke Ever with Curtis and Leroy

Curtis and Leroy are walking home late on Halloween night.

It’s dark, and the streetlights are out. Suddenly, they hear

BUMP!

BUMP!

BUMP!

behind them. They walk faster, but the sound keeps coming.

BUMP!

BUMP!

BUMP!

Worried they are being followed, they glance behind and through the darkness,  they can just see an upright coffin.

No one seems to be holding the coffin; it’s just bumping down the street behind them.

Leroy says, “I’m scared.” He’s sure it’s following them! In an effort to shake it off, they turn a corner. To their relief, the sound stops. They keep walking but before a minute has passed, they hear the familiar sound behind them again:

BUMP!

BUMP!

BUMP!

Now they both are terrified! Leroy yells, “Let’s go!” They run towards Leroy’s home, but the faster they run, the faster the coffin bounces along behind them!

Bumpity BUMP!

Bumpity BUMP!

Bumpity BUMP!

Leroy pushes open his front gate, and they run up the path. He fumbles for his keys. The coffin reaches the gate and effortlessly pushes it open. It’s right behind them!!!

Finally his shaking hands manage to unlock his front door. Leroy and Curtis have  no time to slam it behind them; the coffin is right on their heels! They rush up the stairs, praying the coffin cannot climb after them.

BUMP!

BUMP!

BUMP!

The coffin pauses at the bottom ofthe stairs. They look at each other and breath a sigh of relief but …

clappity BUMP…

clappity BUMP…

clappity BUMP…

The coffin is now climbing the stairs behind them. They run to the bathroom perhaps they can lock themselves in there! Their hearts are pounding and their lungs hurt with the exertion of running for their lives! Leroy has only just latched the bathroom door when …

CRASH!!!

The coffin breaks through the bathroom door!

“What can we do?”, screams Leroy. The coffin is nearly upon them! Curtis reaches out for something heavy that he can throw at the coffin, and his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of cough syrup. “What good will that do?”, yells Leroy.

“We have to try something!”, answers Curtis.

Desperately, he throws the cough syrup as hard as he can at the coffin and

………..

………..

(Wait for it)

………..

………..

……….finally the coffin stops!!

**********

The Vampire Bat and Fresh Blood

Cute Little Vampire Bat Joke for Halloween. Enjoy!

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood

and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling

him about where he got it.

He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep

but they persisted until finally he gave in.

“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of

bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest

full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around

him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good,” said the first bat, “Because I DIDN’T!”

Halloween Poems for Children

COME OUT

COME OUT

THE WITCHES ARE OUT!

Helter-Skelter Play

by Joel Benton

Pixie, kobold, elf, and sprite,
All are on their rounds tonight;
In the wan moon’s silver ray,
Thrives their helter-skelter play.

Flutter, Flutter Little Bat by Leanne Guenther

Flutter, flutter little bat,
How I wonder where you’re at.

Swooping through the darkest night -
You find your way without a light.

Flutter, flutter little bat,
How I wonder where you’re at!

A Magic Chant by Samuel Exler (1992 – 2008)

If in the dark you’re frightened,
Here’s all you have to do.

Say: Igga bigga,

Hunka bunka,

Dinka danka doo.

These words give you protection

From ghosts-and witches, too.

Say: Igga bigga,

Hunka bunka,

Dinka danka doo.

So if at night a monster

Should whisper, I’ll get you,”

Yell: Igga bigga,

Hunka bunka,

Dinka danka doo.

Fraidie Cat

by Clinton Scollard

Only Naughty Children See Spooks on Halloween by Winifred Sackvile Stoner, Jr.

Witches and goblins, spooks and elves,
With sprites and gnomes from elf-land delves,
Tonight are flying here and there,
Yes, up and down and everywhere.
For this one night in all the year
They rule the earth and bring great fear
To all the naughty little boys
Who tease good girls and break their toys.

These spooks they also make girls sad
When they are selfish, cross and bad;
So when it’s dark, bad boys and maids,
They see these awful fearsome shades,
And that is why with covered heads,
They trembling lie in their warm beds.

But even there they goblins see,
Spooks and gnomes, and all that be
Abroad upon weird Halloween
When all the wizards may be seen
By naughty kids and grown-up folks
Who like to play most wicked jokes.

But good young girls and gentle boys,
The kids who are their mothers’ joys
They like the dark just as the light,
For spooks never come within their sight,
And in their dreams they lovely elves
Show them bright scenes from fairy delves.

So, if tonight you are afraid
Of any spook or any shade,
We’ll know you are a naughty child,
So cross and willful, rude and wild.

Jack-o-Lantern Author Unknown

Jack-o-lantern, Jack-o-lantern,
You are such a funny sight.
As you sit there by the window,
Looking out into the night.
You were once a sturdy pumpkin,
growing on a curly vine.
Now you are a Jack-o-lantern,
See your night lights shine.

Halloween poems for children, best Halloween poems, Halloween poetry children, Halloween poems education, Halloween poems for teachers, cute Halloween poems

Pumpkins are Better Than Men

Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.No matter what your mood, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.One usually makes a better pie.   They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!   If you don’t like the way he looks, you just carve up another face. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out. From the start, you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head.   A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be. Make sure you pass this on to all the women you know, and the good natured guys, too!!

Curtis and Leroy and the Halloween Fire

The Adventures of Curtis and Leroy

Curtis and Leroy were volunteer firefighters. At 8.00pm on October 31st – Halloween Night- they could see a fire in the back yard.  I was clearly in breach of the rule on burning leaves after dark.  Curtis knocked on the door, and they both waited each holding their helmet in their hand.  The little old woman opened the door and promptly dropping a bar of candy into each helmet.  She then told them, ‘Aren’t you boys are a little old for trick and treat, and closed the door’.  Curtis and Leroy left open mouthed.

The Ghost and Curtis and Leroy

I just loved this joke about the Ghost and Curtis and Leroy

It was a dark and scary Halloween Night… 

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests,

the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom,

he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed,

gathered up the bed sheets,

and threw them out the hospital window.

Curtis and Leroy were walking / staggering by the hospital after spending a few hours at a Halloween party in the local bar. The sheets landed on Curtis. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to

get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As he stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the

sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter),

and who had watched the whole incident,

walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”

Leroy replied: “I think my friend just beat the crap out of a ghost.”

Famous Halloween Quotations

Double, double toil and trouble; fire burn and cauldron bubble. -

William Shakespeare

Famous Halloween Quotations

When witches go riding, and black cats are seen/the moon laughs and whispers, ’tis near Halloween. -19th century Halloween postcard

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Shadows of a thousand years rise again unseen; voices whisper in the trees, “Tonight is Halloween!” – Dexter Kozen

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween. -Erma Bombeck

Halloween is huge in my house and we really get into the “spirits” of things. Dee Snider

Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can’t see where it keeps its brain. – J.K. Rowling

Where there is no imagination, there is no horror. – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Nothing on earth so beautiful as the final haul on Halloween night. – Steve Almond

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. – George Carlin

‘Tis now the very witching time of night, when churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes out contagion to this world. – William Shakespeare

Clothes make a statement. Costumes tell a story. – Mason Cooley

One need not be a chamber to be haunted;

One need not be a house;

The brain has corridors surpassing

Material place. – Emily Dickinson

Love is kinda crazy with a spooky little girl like you. – Classics IV

There is something haunting in the light of the moon; it has all the dispassionateness of a disembodied soul, and something of its inconceivable mystery. – Joseph Conrader

Hark! Hark to the wind! ‘Tis the night, they say,

When all souls come back from the far away-

The dead, forgotten this many a day! – Virna Sheard

From ghoulies and ghosties and long-leggedy beasties and things that go bump in the night, Good Lord, deliver us! – Scottish Saying

I’ll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. – Author Unknown

Zombie Humor Great Zombie GIFS

A few Zombie Jokes and Signs for your viewing pleasure!

Hope you enjoy Zombie Humor!

Just in time for Valentine’s Day

A zombie Teddy Bear for your Valentine

Zombie Teddy Bear created by Phillip Blackman, an illustrator from Sussex, England.

Zombie Jokes:

What did the zombie’s friend say when he introduced him to his girlfriend? 
Good grief! Where did you dig her up from? 

Why did the zombie go to hospital?
He wanted to learn, a few sick jokes.

How do you know a zombie is tired?

He’s dead on his feet.

What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends…

What do little zombies play?
Corpses and Robbers.

What did the zombie get a medal for?
Deadication.

What’s a zombie say when he gets a letter from his girlfriend?
It’s a dead-letter day.

Where do zombies go for cruises?
The Deaditerranean Sea.

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately…

What do you call a zombie in a belfry?
A dead ringer.

What did the zombie eat after its teeth were pulled out?
The dentist.

Halloween Fail

She said she wanted to dress up like an Angry Bird.

I told her she didn’t need to dress up for Halloween!

and that’s when the fight started…

Witches In My Mailbox

 

 OHHH NOOO!!

There are witches in my mailbox.

What am I to do?

I found them there this morning,

doing things they shouldn’t do!!

 
How the witches got there,

I haven’t got a clue

.
But they won’t be there much

because I’m sending them to

YOU!!!!!!

You’ve been Witch Kissed!

Before the warts begin to spread,

pass the kisses on instead!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!