Adventures of the Hillbillies – Curtis and Leroy – Jokes

Curtis, his Cow and the Accident

Curtis had a car accident.

In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Curtis.

‘Didn’t you say to the policeman at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor. 

Curtis responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the… ‘

‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,”I’m fine!”? 

Curtis said, ‘Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…. ‘

The solicitor interrupted again and said, ‘Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.’

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Curtis’ answer and said to the solicitor: ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie’.

Curtis thanked the Judge and proceeded. ‘Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Now what the F**k would you say?’

Judgment Day ~ Curtis and Leroy

Dear Curtis,

I know that I will be one of the chosen ones and be let into heaven on Judgment Day (whenever that is). Could be December 21, 2012??

I’m sorry to hear you ain’t comin’ along.  You’re a good guy but you voted for George Bush – twice.

Since you are my best friend, I’m leaving all my valuable possessions to you.

Please take care of my dog, Sam and my pig, Sammy. I know Sam likes you and he didn’t mean to bite you when you looked after him last time.

You can have my still. I drank all the moonshine that we made last spring. I didn’t think they’d let me bring it with me.

I’ll also let you have my car. See if you can get it to work.

I’m keeping my rifle and I’ll try to sneak it in. You never know what to expect!

That’s about all I have. Oh ya! You can have my wife, too. She likes those GOP fellows, so I reckon she won’t be invited to heaven either.

Good luck (You’ll need it!),

Leroy,

One of The Saved, Praise the Lord!

PS

Just in case those Mayan Predictions are not true and that Camping fella is wrong (again ), can I please have Sam and Sammy back?

Rude Bus Driver or the Cute Baby Fail

The Adventures of Curtis and Leroy

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A woman and her baby get on a city bus.

After looking at both of them the bus driver says: “WOW! That must be the ugliest baby I have seen in my life!”

The woman storms back to the rear of the bus so angry she can’t even see straight. Sitting across from her are Curtis and Leroy. The woman turns to Curtis and Leroy and says, “The bus driver was so rude to me!”

Curtis looks at the woman with concern and says, “Well you shouldn’t let him get away with that. You go right up and give that bus driver a piece of your mind. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

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and that’s when the fight started…

As cute as it gets!

A Bad Dream on New Year’s Eve

Leroy’s wife was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Leroy, ‘I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?’

‘Aha, you’ll know tonight,’ answered Leroy smiling broadly.

At midnight , as the New Year clocks were chiming, leroy approached his wife and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: ‘The meaning of dreams’.

Winter Fun With Curtis and Leroy

Frozen Pond

It was near Christmas and Curtis and Leroy decided to build an ice skating rink in the middle of their pasture. A shepherd happened to be leading his flock nearby and decided to take a shortcut across the frozen field. But the sheep were afraid of the ice and wouldn’t go onto it. The shepherd became frustrated and began tugging them along to the other side.

“Look at that,” said Curtis. “That guy’s trying to pull the wool over our ice!”

Leroy added, “Do you think we should tell him to get the flock off our land?”

*

There was this really smart sheep in Canada who knew how to make butter and buttermilk. 

One night she sneaked across the border to the Eew-United States and got a job working for a Curtis and Leroy, who set up a roadside stand and told her to try to sell the stuff. Unfortunately the roads were covered in snow and the traffic was very heavy. The sight of this sheep making butter and buttermilk was so distracting that naturally there was an accident. 

The police investigated and issued Curtis and Leroy a citation for attempting to make an illegal ewe churn on a busy highway.

***
How do sheep in Spain say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

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What would you say if you did’nt like these jokes and puns?

Baaa humbug

If you have any sheep puns, please email them to me.

To be contin-ewed…

Curtis and Leroy Shopping on Black Friday

Black Friday: Novemebr 25, 2011

Curtis and Leroy took their wives to a mall for Black Friday deals. They decided that they would go their own ways and meet at a central location at 3 pm. At 3 pm Leroy, Leroy’s wife and Curtis showed up. After waiting for quite some time, Curtis said he would look around while the other two stayed put.

He was running through the crowd of shoppers when he collided with a young guy.

Curtis said to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

Curtis said, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, her name is Brianna, she is 24 years old, tall, with long red hair, dark brown eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a green T-Shirt and no bra. The T-shirt says Hug An Irish Girl Today. What does your wife look like?”

Curtis said. “Never mind, let’s look for your wife.”

Through Thick and Thin

Leroy’s best friend had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but he was by his bedside every single day. One day as Curtis slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for Leroy to come close to him. Leroy pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned his ear close to be able to hear Curtis.

“You know” Curtis whispered, his eyes filling with tears, “you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When I lost the house, you were there. When I got married. When I got divorced. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. “And you know what?”

“What, Curtis?” he asked gently, smiling to himself.

“I think you’re bad luck.”

Curtis and Leroy ~ Late For Work

A manager of a big city restaurant took a chance and decided to hire Curtis and Leroy for entry level positions, busboys! Curtis and Leroy were so excited they decided to celebrate and stay in a hotel in the city the night before their first day at work. The manger recommended a hotel that was pretty close to the restaurant. Just before the afternoon shift was about to begin, the manager noticed that his new employees were missing. He phoned the hotel where they were staying and got connected to their room. He asked,  ”Why are you still there?” Leroy answered in a panic and said they couldn’t get out of the room.

“You can’t get out of your room?” the manager asked, “Why not?”

Leroy replied: “There are only three doors in here,” he sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

Curtis and Leroy, The Parrot, and Thanksgiving Dinner

The Adventures of Curtis and Leroy

A few weeks before Thanksgiving, Curtis received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Curtis tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, Curtis was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Curis shook the parrot; the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

Curtis asked his best friend, Leroy, what he should do. Leroy said throw him in the freezer to teach him a lesson.

Curtis said, ‘ I can’t do that. You do it for me.’

Leroy grabbed the parrot and placed him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, Leroy quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Leroy’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended Curtis with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

Curtis and Leroy were stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. Leroy was beaming because his suggestion worked.

Just as Leroy was leaving, the parrot whispered to him, “May I ask what the turkey did to Curtis?”

Best Coffin Halloween Joke Ever with Curtis and Leroy

Curtis and Leroy are walking home late on Halloween night.

It’s dark, and the streetlights are out. Suddenly, they hear

BUMP!

BUMP!

BUMP!

behind them. They walk faster, but the sound keeps coming.

BUMP!

BUMP!

BUMP!

Worried they are being followed, they glance behind and through the darkness,  they can just see an upright coffin.

No one seems to be holding the coffin; it’s just bumping down the street behind them.

Leroy says, “I’m scared.” He’s sure it’s following them! In an effort to shake it off, they turn a corner. To their relief, the sound stops. They keep walking but before a minute has passed, they hear the familiar sound behind them again:

BUMP!

BUMP!

BUMP!

Now they both are terrified! Leroy yells, “Let’s go!” They run towards Leroy’s home, but the faster they run, the faster the coffin bounces along behind them!

Bumpity BUMP!

Bumpity BUMP!

Bumpity BUMP!

Leroy pushes open his front gate, and they run up the path. He fumbles for his keys. The coffin reaches the gate and effortlessly pushes it open. It’s right behind them!!!

Finally his shaking hands manage to unlock his front door. Leroy and Curtis have  no time to slam it behind them; the coffin is right on their heels! They rush up the stairs, praying the coffin cannot climb after them.

BUMP!

BUMP!

BUMP!

The coffin pauses at the bottom ofthe stairs. They look at each other and breath a sigh of relief but …

clappity BUMP…

clappity BUMP…

clappity BUMP…

The coffin is now climbing the stairs behind them. They run to the bathroom perhaps they can lock themselves in there! Their hearts are pounding and their lungs hurt with the exertion of running for their lives! Leroy has only just latched the bathroom door when …

CRASH!!!

The coffin breaks through the bathroom door!

“What can we do?”, screams Leroy. The coffin is nearly upon them! Curtis reaches out for something heavy that he can throw at the coffin, and his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of cough syrup. “What good will that do?”, yells Leroy.

“We have to try something!”, answers Curtis.

Desperately, he throws the cough syrup as hard as he can at the coffin and

………..

………..

(Wait for it)

………..

………..

……….finally the coffin stops!!

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