Curtis and Leroy Going Nuts
Curtis and Leroy were out hunting for rabbits and squirrels. As they rounded a stand of trees, high up on one large limb sat the largest squirrel they’d ever seen. It must have weighed 100 pounds! Taking careful aim with his trusty musket, Leroy let loose a blast and felled thatmonster squirrel with one shot. Critters large and small gathered to watch Curtis and Leroy truss up their catch and drag it back to his cabin. There was much rejoicing as the families greeted Curtis and Leroy with their huge trophy. They decided to have an outdoor feast and a couple of the children dragged out the large steel washtub and put it over the fire. Leroy’s wife slopped a bunch of oil in the makeshift frying pan and in went the monster. Alas, try as they might, the darned thing just would not cook, no matter how hot they made the fire underneath. While they were stoking the fire even hotter, they heard snickering in the trees close to the cabin. Up on one branch was averitable chorus line of little squirrels, just laughing and dancing around. Leroy asked what was so funny. They told him he’d never succeed in preparing his 100-pound squirrel in the makeshift frying pan. When he asked why, with one voice the squirrels chimed:
“Big squirrels don’t fry.”
Not to be confused with Big Girls Don’t Cry (Fergie song).
“Big Girls Don’t Cry” is a song written by Bob Crewe and Bob Gaudio and originally recorded by The Four Seasons. It hit number one on the Billboard Hot 100 on November 17, 1962
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Curtis, Leroy and Billy Bob are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the Billy Bob, “WHAT IS EASTER?” He replies, “Oh, that’s easy, it’s the holiday in November when everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful…”
“WRONG,” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the Leroy the same question, “WHAT IS EASTER?”
Leroy replies, “No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”
St. Peter looks at Leroy, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the Curtis and asks, “WHAT IS EASTER?”
Curtis smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.
“I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and He was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took Him to be crucified and was stabbed in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and He was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter.”
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The Adventures of Curtis and Leroy
How the American Congress Works!
How we got into the Fiscal Cliff Farce!
Just before the Fiscal Cliff mess, the government owned a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, “Someone may steal from it.” So they created a night watchman position and hired three people to handle the job, D. Squat (a retired and famous pro football player) and Curtis and Leroy.
Then Congress said,”How do the watchmen do their jobs without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said,”How will we know the night watchmen are doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said,”How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said,”Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $64,000 over budget.” Many suggested that they just print more money, like they do for most other things. But some said it’s time we became fiscally responsible.
So they laid off the three night watchmen.
A few Government Officials became very upset and announced that Congress could layoff Curtis and Leroy but should never have a laid off the other watchman especially if they knew who he was!
It just goes to show you that most people in Congress
don’t care about Curtis and Leroy and don’t know Diddly Squat!
…and that is how we got into the Debt Crisis and why America may still fall off the Fiscal Cliff.
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Curtis, Leroy and their best friend Billy-Ray were trapped on a deserted island. A bottle washed up on shore one day. Billy-Ray rubbed it, and a genie popped out. The genie told them that she normally only gives out three wishes to one person, but since there are three of them he will give them each one wish.
“I want to go home,” Billy-Ray said. Bam! He’s gone.
“Same for me. I want to go home,” Leroy said. Bam! He’s gone too.
“I’m so lonely now,” said Curtis. “I wish my friends were here.”
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Curtis and Leroy moved to Canada a few years ago and lived on a small farm just yards ( metres / meters ) away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years.
One day, Leroy came home holding a letter. “I just got some news, Curtis,” he said. “The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They’ve decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?”
“What do I think?” Curtis said. “Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don’t think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!”
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Curtis and Leroy are walking home late on Halloween night.
It’s dark, and the streetlights are out. Suddenly, they hear
behind them. They walk faster, but the sound keeps coming.
Worried they are being followed, they glance behind and through the darkness, they can just see an upright coffin.
No one seems to be holding the coffin; it’s just bumping down the street behind them.
Leroy says, “I’m scared.” He’s sure it’s following them! In an effort to shake it off, they turn a corner. To their relief, the sound stops. They keep walking but before a minute has passed, they hear the familiar sound behind them again:
Now they both are terrified! Leroy yells, “Let’s go!” They run towards Leroy’s home, but the faster they run, the faster the coffin bounces along behind them!
Leroy pushes open his front gate, and they run up the path. He fumbles for his keys. The coffin reaches the gate and effortlessly pushes it open. It’s right behind them!!!
Finally his shaking hands manage to unlock his front door. Leroy and Curtis have no time to slam it behind them; the coffin is right on their heels! They rush up the stairs, praying the coffin cannot climb after them.
The coffin pauses at the bottom ofthe stairs. They look at each other and breath a sigh of relief but …
The coffin is now climbing the stairs behind them. They run to the bathroom perhaps they can lock themselves in there! Their hearts are pounding and their lungs hurt with the exertion of running for their lives! Leroy has only just latched the bathroom door when …
The coffin breaks through the bathroom door!
“What can we do?”, screams Leroy. The coffin is nearly upon them! Curtis reaches out for something heavy that he can throw at the coffin, and his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of cough syrup. “What good will that do?”, yells Leroy.
“We have to try something!”, answers Curtis.
Desperately, he throws the cough syrup as hard as he can at the coffin and
(Wait for it)
……….finally the coffin stops!!
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The Adventures of Curtis and Leroy
Curtis and Leroy were volunteer firefighters. At 8.00pm on October 31st – Halloween Night- they could see a fire in the back yard. I was clearly in breach of the rule on burning leaves after dark. Curtis knocked on the door, and they both waited each holding their helmet in their hand. The little old woman opened the door and promptly dropping a bar of candy into each helmet. She then told them, ‘Aren’t you boys are a little old for trick and treat, and closed the door’. Curtis and Leroy left open mouthed.
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I just loved this joke about the Ghost and Curtis and Leroy
It was a dark and scary Halloween Night…
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests,
the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom,
he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed,
gathered up the bed sheets,
and threw them out the hospital window.
Curtis and Leroy were walking / staggering by the hospital after spending a few hours at a Halloween party in the local bar. The sheets landed on Curtis. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to
get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As he stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the
sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter),
and who had watched the whole incident,
walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”
Leroy replied: “I think my friend just beat the crap out of a ghost.”
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Curtis and Leroy and the Talking Clock
After quite a few drinks at a local drinking establishment, Curtis invited Leroy to see his new apartment.
After touring most of the apartment, he showed Leroy his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
What’s with that big brass gong?” Leroy asked.
It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock”, Curtis replied. A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.
“Yup”, replied Curtis.
How’s it work?” Leroy asked, squinting at it.
“Watch”, the Curtis replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
They stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You idiot! It’s two-fifteen in the morning!
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Leroy won a fishing boat in a raffle and towed it home.
His wife looked at him and said, “What in the name of Jesus are you gonna do with that? We live on a farm. There’s no water within 75 miles of here!”
Leroy replied, “Don’t care. I won it and I’m gonna keep it.”
Several days later Leroy’s best friend, Curtis, came over to visit. He looked out in the field behind the house and saw his friend sitting in a fishing boat in the middle of the field with a fishing rod in his hand.
Curtis stood at the edge of the field and yelled out to him, “What the frig are you doin’?”
Leroy yelled back, “I’m fishin’. What the frig does it look like I’m a doin’?”
Curtis creamed, “It’s people like you that give hillbillies a bad name, making everyone think we’re stupid. If I could swim, I’d come out there and kick you in the friggin arse.”
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