Best Coffin Halloween Joke Ever with Curtis and Leroy
Curtis and Leroy are walking home late on Halloween night.
It’s dark, and the streetlights are out. Suddenly, they hear
BUMP!
BUMP!
BUMP!
behind them. They walk faster, but the sound keeps coming.
BUMP!
BUMP!
BUMP!
Worried they are being followed, they glance behind and through the darkness, they can just see an upright coffin.
No one seems to be holding the coffin; it’s just bumping down the street behind them.
Leroy says, “I’m scared.” He’s sure it’s following them! In an effort to shake it off, they turn a corner. To their relief, the sound stops. They keep walking but before a minute has passed, they hear the familiar sound behind them again:
BUMP!
BUMP!
BUMP!
Now they both are terrified! Leroy yells, “Let’s go!” They run towards Leroy’s home, but the faster they run, the faster the coffin bounces along behind them!
Bumpity BUMP!
Bumpity BUMP!
Bumpity BUMP!
Leroy pushes open his front gate, and they run up the path. He fumbles for his keys. The coffin reaches the gate and effortlessly pushes it open. It’s right behind them!!!
Finally his shaking hands manage to unlock his front door. Leroy and Curtis have no time to slam it behind them; the coffin is right on their heels! They rush up the stairs, praying the coffin cannot climb after them.
BUMP!
BUMP!
BUMP!
The coffin pauses at the bottom ofthe stairs. They look at each other and breath a sigh of relief but …
clappity BUMP…
clappity BUMP…
clappity BUMP…
The coffin is now climbing the stairs behind them. They run to the bathroom perhaps they can lock themselves in there! Their hearts are pounding and their lungs hurt with the exertion of running for their lives! Leroy has only just latched the bathroom door when …
CRASH!!!
The coffin breaks through the bathroom door!
“What can we do?”, screams Leroy. The coffin is nearly upon them! Curtis reaches out for something heavy that he can throw at the coffin, and his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of cough syrup. “What good will that do?”, yells Leroy.
“We have to try something!”, answers Curtis.
Desperately, he throws the cough syrup as hard as he can at the coffin and
………..
………..
(Wait for it)
………..
………..
……….finally the coffin stops!!
**********
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Curtis and Leroy and a Woman in Distress
The Adventures of Curtis and Leroy
Curtis and Leroy walked into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey,
they talked about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who was eating a sandwich,
began to cough.
And, after a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress.
Curtis looked at her and said, “Kin ya swallar?”
The woman shook her head no.
Then he asked, “Kin ya breathe?”
The woman began to turn blue and shook her head no.
Curtis walked over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanked
down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue. The woman is so shocked that she had a violent spasm and the
obstruction flew out of her mouth. As she began to breathe
again, Curtis walked slowly back to the bar.
Leroy said, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there
‘Hind LickManeuver’
but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!”
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Therapy and the John Deere Tractor
Curtis is passing by Leroy’s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Leroy doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Curtis rushes in and says, “What the heck are you doing, Leroy?”
“Jeez, Curtis, ya scared the bejeezers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Leroy. “But me’n the Ol’ Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d’partment, and the therapist suggested I do ‘something sexy to a tractor’.”
[Don't make me come splain this to you! ---Read the last line again, slowly.]
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Can Cold Water Clean Dishes? The Hillbillies, Curtis and Leroy – Joke
This is for all the germ conscious folks
that worry about using cold water to clean.
The Adventures of Curtis and Leroy
Curtis and Leroy went to visit their 90 year old grandfather
in a very secluded, rural area.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away,
the next morning their grandfather prepared
breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, Curtis noticed a film like substance on his plate,
and questioned his grandfather asking,
‘Are these plates clean?’
His grandfather replied,
‘They’re as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!’
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
This time, Leroy was concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have tiny specks around
the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
‘Are you sure these plates are clean?’
Without looking up the old man said,
‘Like I said before, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you
fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!’
Later that afternoon, Curtis and Leroy were on their way to a nearby town
and as they was leaving, their grandfather’s dog
started to growl, and wouldn’t let them pass.
Curtis yelled and said,
‘Grandfather, your dog won’t let us get to our car’.
Without diverting his attention from the baseball game
he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!
‘Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!’
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Leroy says Curtis Is Recovering Nicely
The Adventures of Curtis and Leroy
Curtis left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with Leroy and the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” He replied, “That would be fine with me.” Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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Curtis and Leroy and the Operation
The Adventures of Curtis and Leroy
Leroy was making his first visit to a hospital where his best friend, Curtis, was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor’s every move, he asked, “What’s that?” The doctor explained, “This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won’t know any thing that’s going on.” “Save your time, Doc,” exclaimed Leroy. “He don’t know nothing now.”
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Curtis and Leroy and the Triplets
The Adventures of Curtis and Leroy
Back in the woods, Leroy’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night. Leroy asked Curtis to go and get a doctor to assist in the delivery.
The doctor and Curtis arrived a few hours later.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. Leroy was so proud!
“Whoa there,” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there’s yet another one to come.”
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. Leroy was so excited and he couldn’t wait to tell Curtis.
“No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern… It seems there’s yet another one in there!” cried the doctor.
Leroy scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
“Do you think it’s the light that’s attractin’ ‘em?”
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Farmer Leroy’s Divorce
Leroy walks into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asks, “May I help you?”
Leroy says, “Yeah. I want to get one of those dee-vorces.”
The attorney asks, “Well, do you have any grounds?”
Leroy replies, “Yeah. I got about 140 acres.”
The attorney says, “No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?”
Leroy says, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”
The attorney says, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”
Leroy says, “Yeah, I got a grudge. That’s where I park my John Deere.”
The attorney says, “No, sir, I mean do you have a suit?”
Leroy says, “Yessir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”
The exasperated attorney says, “Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”
Leroy says, “No, sir, we both get up about 4:30.”
Finally, the attorney asks, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”
And Leroy replies, “Well, I cain’t never have a meaningful conversation with her!”
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Curtis and Leroy and Foreign Languages
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where Curtis and Leroy are waiting.
“Entschuldigen Sie mich, Sie zu tun sprechen Deutsches?” he asks. Curtis and Leroy just stare at him.
“Excusez-moi pour vous faire parlent français?” The two continue to stare.
“parli italiano?” No response.
“¿los di usted habla español?” Still nothing.
So he has a final try: “Tatakalamaani bil arabiyya?”
The Swiss man drives off, extremely disgusted.
Curtis turns to Leroy and says, “You know, Leroy, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”
“Why?” says Leroy. “That guy knew five and it didn’t do him any good.”
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Curtis and Leroy and Chinese Food
Curtis and Leroy decided to go out for a meal and after some deliberation decided on their local Chinese restaurant.
