Humor

Rules For Ash Wednesday

Are these allowed? Are they considered a snack? Could you classify them as a meal?

This Lent stuff is so confusing.

Paczki

Catholics between the ages of 18 and 59 are required to fast on Ash Wednesday, as well as Good Friday, but this does not mean no food at all.

U.S. bishops define fasting as eating only one full meal the entire day and two smaller portions of food during breakfast and lunch time, that combined wouldn’t equal a full meal, if necessary. There is to be no snacking in between meals.

All Catholics 14 years old and older must completely abstain from meat on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday, as well as all the Fridays of Lent.

Eggs, milk products, meat juices, gravies and animal fats are allowed to be consumed, just not the meat itself.

Ash Wednesday Jokes

Little Johnny’s father was trying to explain to Little Johnny and his sister why we have Ash Wednesday and how the pastor puts ashes on people’s foreheads. Little Johnny’s sister began wondering what she should give up for Lent when Little Johnny announced, “I think I’ll give up Ash Wednesday.”

**

This blond got married on Ash Wednesday. On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, “Because it’s Lent.” Almost in tears, she remarked, “Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to and for how long?”

************

A Catholic fellow and a Jewish fellow were discussing their religious traditions, specifically atonement and sacrifice, Yom Kippur versus Lent. The Jewish fellow asked the Catholic fellow what he’d given up for Lent that year.

The Catholic fellow said, “This year, my wife and I agreed to make the ultimate sacrifice—we gave up sex.”

“Wow!” said the Jewish fellow, “How did it go?”

“The first week, we felt pretty good and holy about it,” replied the Catholic fellow. “The second week was really hard, and by the third week—well, we didn’t make it. One morning, my wife bent over to pick up a grapefruit that had rolled onto the floor, and that was it. Right then and there.”

“Sounds serious,” said the Jewish fellow. “Can you go back to church after something like that?”

“Oh, there’s no problem going back to church,” answered the Catholic fellow. “But I don’t think we’ll be returning to that particular Safeway.”

****************

After receiving ashes on his forehead on Ash Wednesday, Little Johnny asked his dad what they were. Before his dad could answer, his 8-year-old sister told him that some people are buried after they die and some people are burned and that makes ashes.

Little Johnny exclaimed, “Then who is on my forehead?”

*********

‘Glad we’re not Catholic!’

WISH EVERY DAY WAS FAT TUESDAY

Especially after Fat Tuesday

When and What is Fat Tuesday?

Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras, and Shrove Tuesday  are celebrated on Tuesday, the day before Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent.

Mardi Gras Day (Fat Tuesday) 2012 February 21st
Mardi Gras Day (Fat Tuesday) 2013 February 12th
Mardi Gras Day (Fat Tuesday) 2014 March 4th
Mardi Gras Day (Fat Tuesday) 2015 February 17th
Mardi Gras Day (Fat Tuesday) 2016 February 9th
Mardi Gras Day (Fat Tuesday) 2017 February 28th
Mardi Gras Day (Fat Tuesday) 2018 February 13th
Mardi Gras Day (Fat Tuesday) 2019 March 5th
Mardi Gras Day (Fat Tuesday) 2020 February 25th

 

( and Paczki Day – or doughnut day )

Mardi Gras is French for “Fat Tuesday” — the famous festival in New Orleans, Louisiana. “Gras” is French for fat and “Mardi” is French for Tuesday. In many areas, the term “Mardi Gras” has come to mean the whole period of activity related to the celebratory events, beyond just the single day.

Carnival is an important celebration in Catholic European nations. In the United Kingdom and Ireland, the week before Ash Wednesday is called ” shrovetide ” , ending on Shrove Tuesday. It has its popular celebratory aspects as well. Pancakes are a traditional food. Pancakes and related fried breads or pastries made with sugar, fat and eggs are also traditionally consumed at this time in many parts of Latin America and the Caribbean ~ wikipedia

Just what we need, a Fat Day!

My GUT FEELING is that they should change the name from Fat Tuesday to something like Good Tuesday!

I think they named a holiday after us!

‘Let’s get some donuts later.’

‘Why?’

‘It’s Paczki Day or doughnut day, my favourite day of the year!’

‘Let’s follow them up with a

Traditional New Orleans King Cake’

“Tomorrow is Fat Tuesday, and of course, this being America, it will be followed by Even Fatter Wednesday, Obese Thursday and Fat-Ass Friday.” –Jay Leno

David Beckham’s Tribute to Jeremy Lin

Retirement Prank

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said,

‘Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Mary called him an idiot.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age.

WOMEN AND ANGER

Apocalypse 2012: An Investigation into The Mayan Prediction About Civilization’s End

Why did the Mayan skywatchers choose December 21st, 2012 A.D., as the end of their Long Count calendar? We know that the 13-baktun cycle of the Mayan “Long Count” system of timekeeping was set to end exactly on a winter solstice. The story began 2300 years ago. What is really incredible is that these ancient Mayans skywatchers were able to predict a winter solstice so far off into the future.

After exhaustive research, I have determined that the following is the definitive explanation for why and how the Mayans chose December 21, 2012.

It all has to do with the Mayan Sacred Tree ~ the crossing point of the ecliptic with the band of the Milky Way. There is further evidence of this in the ancient monument that references the “end date” 13 Baktun of the Tortuguero Monument 6. If you realize that a transit is “When Mercury or Venus passes in front of the Sun’s disk as seen from Earth.”  “Mercury transits happen about 12 times in a century.”   Not so important. But, the transits of Venus — the planet about which the Mayans were particularly interested — are “a very rare sight, about 12 times per millennium!”   Several scholars have suggested that the 2012 transit of Venus is all part of the 2012 A.D. end of the world scenario. Basically the “1 degree every 72 years” rule of precession is extremely important. In this way, back in 3114 B.C. the sun conjuncted the Sacred Tree on Oct 10th, which is 72 degrees, or 1/5th of the ecliptic from the winter solstice.

So, there you have it! Any questions?

Other possible Conclusions

OR…

As one Mayan said to another,

“Do you think they’ll be smart enough to figure out that we only had enough room up to 2012. If not, this could really lead to some great end of the world theories!”

When in doubt…

Love and Life Through a Baby’s Eyes

A YOUNG MAN’S LOVE STORY

 I used to be like this…

Then I met a girl…

She was like this…

Together, we were like this…

I gave her gifts like this…

When she accepted my proposal, I was like this…

I used to talk to her all night like this…

And at the office I used to do this…

When my friends saw my girlfriend, they stared like this…

And I used to react like this…

But on Valentine’s Day,

she received a red rose from someone else like this…

And she was like this…

And I was like this…

Which later led to this

And this…

I felt like doing this…

So I started doing this…

Now, look at me…

DAMN GIRLS!!!

And now I’m back to doing this…

MY NEW PHYSICIAN

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up! 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape! 

Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”

AND…..

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans…

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like – speaking English is apparently what kills you.

HOW IS YOUR ENGLISH?

Wonderful English from Around the World In a Bangkok Temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN. Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. Doctor’s office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Dry cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP. In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS. In a Cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. Tokyo hotel’s rules and  regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR. In a Tokyo Bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY. A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF  ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British Airways!!!) A Laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. And finally the all time classic: Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window: IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE… …. Priceless!