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Funny Clean Irish Jokes and One Liners
Though you might enjoy these short, clean, corny Irish jokes and one liners for St. Patrick’s Day
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Ireland
How did the Irish Jig get started?
Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
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What do you call a clumsy Irish dance?
A jig mistake!
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How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
He’s Dublin over with laughter!
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What does Ireland have more of than any other country?
Irishmen!
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Cook l: What do you think of my Irish stew?
Cook 2: It could use a pinch of Gaelic.
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What’s Irish and stays out all night?
Patty O’furniture!
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What did one Irish ghost say to the other?
‘Top o’ the moaning!
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What’s big and purple and lies next to Ireland?
Grape Britain!
Luck & Leprechauns
What do you get if you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover??
A rash of good luck!
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Why do leprechauns have pots o’gold?
They like to “go” first class!
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What would you get if you crossed a leprechaun with a Texan?
A pot of chilli at the end of the rainbow!
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What would you get if you crossed a leprechaun with a frog?
A little green man with a croak of gold!
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Did you hear about the leprechaun who went to jail?
He was a lepre-con!
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Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they’re always a little short.
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Did you hear about the leprechaun who worked at the diner?
He was a short-order cook!
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Do leprechauns get angry when you make fun of their height?
Yeah, but only a little!
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Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
To keep from falling in the stew!
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Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
Sure, they’re great at shorthand!
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How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
He took a shortcut!
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What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
Short ribs!
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Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
Because they’re very short-tempered!
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What baseball position do leprechauns usually play?
Shortstop!
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What do you get when two leprechauns have a conversation?
A lot of small talk!
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What did the leprechaun say to the elf?
How’s the weather up there?
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Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Warren.
Warren who?
Warren anything green today?
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Why did the man cross the road?
Because there was a leprechaun on the other side with a pot of gold.
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What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
A Jolly Green Giant
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Why do frogs like St. Patrick’s Day?
Because they’re always wearing green
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What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone?
A sham rock
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St. Patrick’s Day is Coming Let’s All Be Irish!
You Gotta Love the Irish”
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!”
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”
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Irish Golf Blessings and Jokes
May the fairway rise to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May you birdie, eagle and ace. May your putt fall straight into the cup. and until we golf again, May you miss all the sand traps and hazards of life.
Golf in the evening, golf in the morning, golf when expected, golf without warning; Thousands of fairways you’ll find here before you, and the oftener you golf,the more we’ll Yell FORE you.
Par in the evening,Birdie in the morning, Eagle when expected, Ace without warning; Thousands of fairways you’ll find here before you, and the oftener you putt, the more we’ll Yell FORE you.
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“The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bagpipes and called it music.”
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Man blames fate for other accidents but feels personally responsible for a hole in one.
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May thy ball lie in green pastures… and not in still waters.
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The Golf Fanatic
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?”
“Yes,” the golfer responded.
“Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?”
“Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked.
“Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?”
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded…
“I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”
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The IRISH PROSTITUTE
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Olympics and An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman
Q: Why were the Canadian athletes at the London Olympics upset?
A: Because everyone kept thinking they were from the US, eh?
An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman
An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, “Johnson, the pole vault,” and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, “McTavish, the hammer.” He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, “O’Sullivan, fencing.”
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Happy St. Patrick’s Day
Chicago’s annual dyeing of the Chicago River green.
Guinness Cake Pop
But not too much Guinness!!!!
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In Honor of St. Patrick’s Day – You Gotta Love The Irish!
Q: Why do the Irish honor St. Patrick
A: Because St. Patrick chased the lawyers (snakes) out of Ireland.
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Happy St. Patrick’s Day – Cute Pictures and Animations
For a short time every year,
with enough green beer and Guinness in their gullets,
a whole lot of folks will be Irish.
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