Irish Jokes

Irish Humor – Phelan and his Daughter’s Date

Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl’s house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn’t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, “What’s that young fella doin’ here all hours of the night?”

“Why, Dad, ” said Frances, “Michael was just telling me everything that’s in his heart!”

“Well, next time, ” roared Phelan, “just let him tell you what’s in his head, and it won’t take half as long!”

Cute St. Patrick’s Day Jokes and Riddles For Children

Funny St. Patrick’s Day Riddles for Children

Do leprechauns get angry when you make fun of their height?

Only a little.

Why do frogs like St Patrick’s Day?
Because they are always wearing green!

What do you call an Irishman who keeps bouncing off walls?

Rick O’Shea

When is an Irish potato not an Irish potato?
When it’s a French fry!

What do you get when you cross a pillow case with a stone?
A sham-rock!

What do you get if you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck!

What’s Irish and stays out all night?
Patty O’furniture.

Do leprechauns make good secretaries? 

Sure, they’re great at shorthand!

How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold? 

He took a shortcut!

What do leprechauns love to barbecue? 

Short ribs!

Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with? 

Because they’re very short-tempered!

How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
He’s Dublin over with laughter!

Why would you never iron a four-leaf clover?
Because you shouldn’t press your luck!

What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
A jolly green giant!

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day?
Regular rocks are too heavy.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Funny Irish Blessing For St. Patrick’s Day

How to Catch a Leprechaun

A leprechaun (Irish: leipreachán) is a type of fairy in Irish Folklore, usually taking the form of an old man, clad in a red or green coat, who enjoys partaking in mischief.

According to popular belief, a leprechaun possesses a treasure (usually a pot of gold) which a human may obtain if he succeeds in capturing one, which is extremely difficult.

Even after capture, a person may not take his eyes off of him for an instant, for then he will vanish.

Leprechaun Trap

You can build a Leprechaun Trap out of almost anything. You could use a net or a box but remember to colour the trap with green and red.

The best bait for a leprechaun is a gold coin and a little Poitin or Poteen. I just colour little stones with gold paint. Leprechauns love a wee sip of the hard stuff – poteen! Poitn is brewed from potatoes (an Irish favourite) or barley and it ranges between 90 – 100% proof! So be sure you don’t take the offer of a drink from a leprechaun if you do catch a leprechaun or you’ll wake up with a sore head and no gold!

The very best place to place your trap is at the end of a Rainbow in Ireland.

Leprechaun Jokes and One Liners

A ventriloquist with a Leprechaun as his dummy is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up : “You’re making’ out we’re all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.” 

“I’m sorry sir, I…”

“Not you,” says the Irishman, “I’m talking to that little fella on your knee.”

***

Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?

A: Because they’re always a

little short.

Q: Why do leprechauns have pots o’gold?

A: They like to “go” first class!

Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?

A:To keep from falling in the stew!

Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries?

A:Sure, they’re great at shorthand!

Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?

A:He took a shortcut!

Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue?

A:Short ribs!

Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?

A:Because they’re very short-tempered!

Leprechaun Poems

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Leprechaun Stew

Guinness Beer Jokes – Some People (Bears) Never Learn

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The leaders of some of the biggest beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller’s president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. The president of Guinness turns to the bartender and orders a soda.

“Why didn’t you order a Guinness everyone asks?”

“Nah, the president of Guinness replies. If you guys aren’t having a beer neither will I.”

Irish Golf Blessings and Jokes

May the fairway rise to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May you birdie, eagle and ace. May your putt fall straight into the cup. and until we golf again, May you miss all the sand traps and hazards of life.

Golf in the evening, golf in the morning, golf when expected, golf without warning; Thousands of fairways you’ll find here before you, and the oftener you golf,the more we’ll Yell FORE you.

Par in the evening,Birdie in the morning, Eagle when expected, Ace without warning; Thousands of fairways you’ll find here before you, and the oftener you putt, the more we’ll Yell FORE you.

***

“The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bagpipes and called it music.”

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Man blames fate for other accidents but feels personally responsible for a hole in one.

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May thy ball lie in green pastures… and not in still waters.

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The Golf Fanatic

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?” 
“Yes,” the golfer responded. 
“Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?” 
“Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked. 
“Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?” 
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded… 
“I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”

Hangover Cures

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On New Year’s Eve I always look forward to the next 12 months with hope for a prosperous and happy year. This usually lasts until just before my hangover kicks in! (JC)

 A hangover is the wrath of grapes.  ~Author Unknown

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. 

~Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

  ~W.C. Fields

Suffering due to too much Fun?

Beer is the cause and solution to all of life’s problems.  ~Homer Simpson

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.  ~Henny Youngman

I’m going to be around until the Atomic Energy Commission finds a safe place to bury my liver.  ~Phil Harris

Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness.  ~Seneca

A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.  ~W.C. Fields

A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death. ~ Robert Benchley

You come home, and you party. But after that, you get a hangover. Everything about that is negative. ~ Mike Tyson

If you had too much fun on St. Patrick’s Day, New Year’s Eve, or any day of the year, then try one or more of these cures which may help you recover from the dreaded HANGOVER.

Want to avoid a hangover or terrible headache? Eat a few cucumber slices before going to bed and wake up refreshed and headache free. Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B vitamins and electrolytes to replenish essential nutrients the body lost, keeping everything in equilibrium, avoiding both a hangover and headache!!

Hangover Helper!

Read more about the Amazing Cucumber at:

 http://www.e-forwards.com/2009/12/the-amazing-cucumber/

Other suggestions:

Just in time for New Year’s Eve revelers, the FDA has approved the ”the other morning after pill.”

The pill was comprised of “aspirin, caffeine, and a medicine to calm your stomach. Amazingly, it reportedly works in 15 minutes as well.

This newest, and highly touted hangover cure is called Blowfish and is expected to be in drug stores shortly. The US Food and Drug Administration has given it the okay to be sold over-the-counter. Its creator, Brenna Haysom, explains that the tablets consist of 1,000 milligrams of aspirin, 120 milligrams of caffeine and a stomach-soothing agent split up into two effervescent tablets to be taken the morning after a night of heavy drinking. Despite the product slogan, ‘Own the night. Save the day’ Miss Haysom denies that the treatment promotes binge drinking and she doesn’t encourage overuse, adding ‘I definitely don’t encourage people to get obliterated.’ 

More hangover “CURES”

# Painkillers and Antacids
Alcohol is an irritant to the stomach, so aspirin and ibuprofen (also irritants) may make matters worse. Over-the-counter antacids will protect your stomach lining and ease acid indigestion. Meanwhile, a couple of Tylenol should quell that brain-splitting headache.

# Back to Bed
You drank way too much, so you deserve a good rest. This is especially good if you can find someone to wait on your every need.

# Tomatoes
Hangover sufferers regularly eat tomatoes (soup, pasta sauce, raw, etc.) to ease their symptoms. They’re rich in vitamin C, which gets depleted after a night of drinking. This may explain why the classic morning-after drink, Bloody Mary, is so popular.

# Hair of the Dog

Did you know that Jan. 1 is also National Bloody Mary Day? Nothing helps a hangover like a little “hair of the dog,”
This is not one for the faint-hearted. Research has shown that it works – but only temporarily. While your body is busy dealing with a new intake of booze, it suspends its torture. But once you stop drinking you’re likely to go back to hangover hell.

# Fruit Juice
Juice, especially freshly-squeezed, works well because it replaces lost vitamins, the fruit sugar (fructose) boosts your energy levels, and it may play a part in speeding up your body’s toxin-ridding process.



# Roll in the Hay
When you’ve tried all else (better still, before) get together with, or on top of, the one you love. The exercise will get your blood flowing. And the rest, well you know what that does. When you’re done, you can down a big drink of water and slip back into a peaceful slumber.

This just might be the best Hangover cure! It’s taken years of field research to arrive at this conclusion!!!!!

Or you may wish to Give Up Drinking. These Ladies may convince you that you should!!!

http://www.e-forwards.com/2010/08/would-you-give-up-drinking/

Cumberland Sausage ~ Gains Protected Status!

Now here’s something I didn’t know. Breaking news about sausages from Great Britain!

Only Cumberland sausages made in Cumbria to specific standards can be called ‘traditional’ in future, Food Minister Jim Paice announced today.

Cumberland sausage-makers are ecstatic about the new ruling of their product being protected from geographically inaccurate imitations.

Cumberland Sausage wins Protected Geographical Indication (PGI) status

‘Can I have some Irish sausages please?’ Asked Seamus.  I want to make a proper Irish hot-dog.

The shop assistant looked at him and enquired, ‘Are you Irish?’

‘If I asked you for a Cumberland sausage, would you ask me if I was British? If I asked for an Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would you, eh? Would you?’

The assistant replied, ‘Well…er…. no’ .

‘And if I asked you for some Bourbon whiskey, would you ask me if I was American? What about Danish bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?’

‘Well, I probably wouldn’t,’ came the response.

Self-righteously, Seamus demanded, ‘Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m Irish, just because I asked for Irish Sausages?’

‘Because you’re in a blooming shoe shop’, replied the assistant.

The sausage must be from Cumbria!

However good other sausages may taste, if they’re not from Cumbria they can no longer be described as Cumberland sausages, Food minister Jim Paice has ruled, despite the German origin of the product.

The decision puts the sausages on a par with champagne, sherry, and Parma ham as edible products that must come from specific geographical areas after winning protection under European law.

Foods from the UK which have already been granted Protected Geographical Indication status include Stilton cheese, Cornish clotted cream and Melton Mowbray pork pies.

But Yorkshire puddings, Eccles cakes and Cornish pasties have been denied such status because their names are far too generic to be considered the product of one place.

Mr Paice said:

“We’re justly proud of British food and I’m delighted to welcome traditional Cumberland sausage as the first of our many fine sausages to win protected status.  This should be a significant boost to Cumbrian producers, who will now be able to prove that their product is the real thing.  It’s also a boost to consumers who can have confidence in where their sausages come from.

A famously coiled British sausage has joined Parma ham and champagne in having its name protected across Europe after being granted special status, the government said Friday.

The regional delicacy will have to be produced, processed and prepared in Cumbria, contain at least 80 percent meat and be at least 20 millimetres thick to display the PGI mark.

“This should be a significant boost to Cumbrian producers, who will now be able to prove that their product is the real thing,” Food minister Jim Paice said.

“It’s also a boost to consumers who can have confidence in where their sausages come from.”

Peter Gott, of the Cumberland Sausage Association, added: “This is a great milestone for the county and a well deserved place in England’s food history for a truly sensational diverse food product.”

The coarse-textured banger is the 44th British food and drink product to have its name protected throughout Europe, joining products such as Cornish clotted cream and Stilton cheese.

Recipes for Cumberland sausage vary but all are sold in a long coil and are highly seasoned, a legacy of the region’s strong 18th-century trade links with the Americas and Africa.

What did the sausage say when it couldn’t log on to the Internet? If at first you don’t succeed Fry, Fry again.

Super Moon Perigee

When the moon hits you eye like a big pizza pie
That’s amore
When the world seems to shine like you’ve had too much wine
That’s amore

Saturday night, the moon will reach its perigee at a distance of 221,801 miles (356,955 kilometres) from the earth – the closest lunar perigee of 2012.

Werner Getzmann

Clear skies are expected to reveal a ‘super moon’ phenomenon today as the moon reaches its closest point to the Earth for almost two decades.

Star gazers will be hoping to see a bigger and brighter moon than normal as it reaches the closest point to the Earth, referred to as a lunar perigee, since 1992.

A ‘super moon’ refers to a new or full moon that occurs when the Moon is 90 per cent or over its closest position to Earth.

It is the first time since January 19, 1992 that the Moon has come into such close proximity to the Earth.

**

TO THE MOON

Art thou pale for weariness
Of climbing heaven and gazing on the earth,
Wandering companionless
Among the stars that have a different birth,
And ever changing, like a Joyless eye
That finds no object worth its constancy? 

By Percy Bysshe Shelley (1792-1822)

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The Freedom of the Moon by Robert Frost

I’ve tried the new moon tilted in the air
Above a hazy tree-and-farmhouse cluster
As you might try a jewel in your hair.
I’ve tried it fine with little breadth of luster,
Alone, or in one ornament combining
With one first-water start almost shining.

I put it shining anywhere I please.
By walking slowly on some evening later,
I’ve pulled it from a crate of crooked trees,
And brought it over glossy water, greater,
And dropped it in, and seen the image wallow,
The color run, all sorts of wonder follow.

*****

Jokes and One Liners About the Moon

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Look to The Moon

Paddy and Seamus were walking home from the pub.  Paddy says to Seamus, ‘What a beautiful night, look at the moon.’

Seamus stops and looks at Paddy, ‘You are wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.’ Both started arguing for a while when they come upon a real drunk walking in the other direction, so they stopped him.

‘Sir, could you please help settle our argument?

Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?’ The drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them, and said,

‘Sorry, I don’t live around here.’

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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.

What did the man do after being found guilty of sabotaging the moonmission?
He Apollo-gized.

What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams.

How do you know when the moon is going broke?
When it’s down to its last quarter.

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking … and one blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away … Florida or the moon?”
The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida …?”

What do you get when you take green cheese and divide its circumferenceby its diameter?
Moon pi.

How does a man on a moon get his haircut?
Eclipse it.

‘Supermoon’ 2011-Glastonbury Tor Hill Great Britain

 This Saturday morning ( December 9 ) there’s a lunar eclipse, and exactly at sunrise, you’ll be able to see something impossible… both the sun and the fully-eclipsed moon at the same time. This is called “selenelion” (or “selenehelion”) and occurs when both the sun and the eclipsed moon can be seen at the same time.

Technically, the earth should be in-between the two bodies, and you should only be able to see one or the other at any given time. But the atmospheric refraction will be just enough that you can briefly see both at once!

Can be seen in Alaska, Hawaii, northwestern Canada, Australia, New Zealand and central and eastern Asia. Over the contiguous United States and Canada, the eastern zones will see either only the initial penumbral stages before moonset, or nothing at all. 

Skywatcher Derek Keats of Johannesburg, South Africa snapped this photo of the total lunar eclipse of June 15 with a Canon EOS 50D camera.

Paddy and His Missing Wife -Irish Joke

Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.“What’s wrong, Seamus?” Paddy asked. 

“Well didn’t ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?” said Seamus.

“Ah, praise The Almighty!” Paddy replied with relief. “I thought I’d gone deaf!”