Jokes

Football Jokes, NFL, Super Bowl

“Football is a game played with arms, legs and shoulders but mostly from the neck up.” 

 Knute Rockne 

Super Bowl XLVI  (46) February 5, 2012 

New York Giants & New England Patriots

Congratulations to the GIANTS! 21- 17

SUPER BOWL CHAMPS

Princess, the star Camel of New Jersey’s Popcorn Park Zoo, has correctly picked the winner of five of the last six Super Bowls. She went 14 and 6 predicting regular season and playoff games this year, and has a lifetime record of 88-51.

Her pick this year: The New York Giants.

Stare at the picture to see the best optical illusion ever.

Just for fun

I know it’s a long stretch, but I’m sticking my neck out and picking the Patriots!

 Wonder who Madonna picks?

If I spend money for a Super Bowl ticket ~ “Do I get to have sex with Madonna?”  David Letterman

Letterman read “Questions to Ask Yourself Before Spending $16,000 on a Super Bowl Ticket” on Tuesday’s edition of his late-night talk show.
The list read as follows –

10. “Do they have anything in the more affordable $15,000 range?”

9. “Have I recently divorced eitherKobe Bryant or Tiger Woods?” 

8. “Can I afford it after spending $12,000 on a Pro Bowl ticket?”

7. “Isn’t this why the rest of the world hates us?”

6. “Would it make more sense to watch at home and spend the 16 grand on snacks?”

5. “Before I spend the money, how’s Gronkowski’s ankle?”

4. “For $4,000 an hour, couldn’t I get a really good hooker?”

3. “If I’ve got 16 grand, should I buy the Mets?”

2. “Will I forever be known as ‘the ass [expletive] who spent $16,000 on a Super Bowl ticket?’”

1. “Do I get to have sex with Madonna?” 

Well, say, this (football) beats croquet. There’s more go about it!
- quoted in “Mark Twain at Football Game,” New York World, Sunday November 18, 1900

According to a poll, 43% of Americans thought God helped Tim Tebow win football games.  But many of them also resented it because that meant God was sitting at home watching football while they were at church. 

Joe Biden was at a Democratic fundraiser last week in San Francisco and he said, “The Giants are on the way to the Super Bowl.”  After getting jeered he said he made a mistake because the San Francisco baseball team is the Giants.  Who would have thought Biden would ever get confused?  Anyway, since the subject was football it is appropriate that he stuck his foot in his mouth.

***

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY is the number one

SNACK DAY in the United States.

Not a good day to start a diet or maintain a diet.

Companies are spending a fortune in

The Battle For Your Stomach

Just sit back and enjoy a SUPER BOWL of:

chili, chips, dip, chicken wings,

processed sliced meat or pizza

Want to be a creative host at your Super Bowl Party?

Try serving these hefty caloric unique snacks:

Scroll over the picture for their names!

New York state bakery named Coccadotts Cake Shop is selling a combination of cornbread and bleau cheese frosting — with a big ol’ chicken wing on top. Said Rachel Coca-Dott, owner of the bakery in Colonie near Albany:

I was thinking about the Super Bowl. What goes with the Super Bowl but chicken wings? And I said, ‘Oh, a chicken wing cupcake, Rachel?’ And I tried five or six recipes and the last recipe when I was ready to call it quits I think we kinda nailed it on it.

In the Patriots initial media session, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, made a good attempt to get the Indianapolis home town fans on his side when he mentioned the Patriots’ loss to the rival Colts in 2009.

“I never had too much hospitality here until I went for it on fourth-and-2,” Belichick quipped. “Since then, I’ve been greeted in a lot more friendly manner than I was in the past.”

****

A ball boy made an incredible catch during the Australian Open Tennis match between Federer and Nadal. I’ll have to check the stats, but I think that grab gives the kid the same number of receptions that Green Bay Packers receivers had in the playoffs.

Where do hungry football players play? In the Supper Bowl.

Q: What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl in Arlington, Texas?
A: The Dallas Cowboys!

Q: What’s the difference between the Green bay Packers and Cheerios?
A: Cheerios belongs in a bowl.

Superbowl Commitment…
… A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field.
He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken.
The man replied, “No.”
Amazed the young man asked, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older gentleman responded, “That’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the man said. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man said, “They’re all at the funeral.”

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, “What is your IQ?”
The man answers “241.”
“That is wonderful!,” says Albert. “We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!” Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, “What is your IQ?”
The lady answers, “144.”
“That is great!,” responds Albert. “We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!”
Albert goes to another person and asks, “What is your IQ?”
The man answers, “51.”
Albert responds, “How ’bout them Packers?”

The Cheesehead teacher and Little Johnny

“A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Cheesehead.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Cheeseheads too.
No one really knowing what a Cheesehead was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A boy named Little Johnny who has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different.
“Because I’m not a Cheesehead.”

“Then”, asks the teacher, “What are you?”
“Why, I’m a proud Steeler Fan,” boasts Little Johnny.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Little Johnny why he is a rebel.
“Well, my mom and dad are Steeler Fans, so I’m a Steeler Fan too.”
The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”
A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Little Johnny, “I’d be a Cheesehead”.”

“The city of Pittsburgh is on top of the sports world. To remain there, they’ll have to sell the Pirates”

“The Steelers are keeping the natural grass on their field so that the offensive line has something to graze on.”

Next Season
The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, “The Panthers are Super Bowl contenders.”Snow White thought to herself, “Thank God… at least Dopey’s survived!”

*

“My definition of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself!”

What Bugs You? ~ The Republican Presidential Race Bugs Me!

There are a few things out there that are universally annoying

– like fingernails on a blackboard

~ “It seems to be something intrinsic about that mix of frequencies,” Lichtman says. “The change in volume rapidly – it’s called ‘rough’ in acoustics – most people’s ears don’t like that stimulus.”

or the GOP candidates.

“It’s extremely well-established, when you’re getting lower-quality information coming in, you’re having to work harder to understand and reconstruct it.”

Now I know why the GOP Candidates bug me so much.

While there are plenty of irritants in the world, there aren’t a lot of ways to alleviate that sense of annoyance. Palca points out that they’re part of human life and they’re something that everyone has to deal with from time to time.

But there are some techniques that people can use — distracting yourself if you’re stuck in a long line or something Palca calls “cognitive restructuring.”

“You can tell yourself that that mosquito is just a part of the life flow of the world and I shouldn’t be mad,” he says. “It’s just trying to do what it was genetically programmed to do.”

Basically, though, the bottom line is that you’re stuck, it’s annoying, and that’s part of life.

From:

Winter in Canada

WINTER  POEM

It’s winter in Canada

And the gentle breezes blow

Seventy miles an hour

At  thirty-five  below.

Oh, how I love Canada

When the snow’s up to your butt

You take a  breath of winter

And your nose gets frozen  shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful

So I guess I’ll hang around

I could  never leave Canada

Cuz I’m frozen to the ground!

Have a great day…

*

98% OF CANADIANS SAY “OH  SHIT” BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A  SLIPPERY   ROAD.
THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM NEWFOUNDLAND AND THEY SAY, “HOLD MY BEER AND  WATCH THIS.”

*

Please check out the following Winter In Canada Humor.

http://www.e-forwards.com/2011/01/winter-wonderland-fail-moving-to-florida/

Newt Gingrich on the Moon

The American Economy ~ A Puny Perspective

Soon, with the economy so weak, upwardly mobile Americans will not even a ford to live in their cars!

Plain and simple, everyone’s fuming, except the 1%, about the widening gap between the rich and poor!

The Government auto know that they need to increase the taxes of the rich. The profits of Big Companies are too high. Money needs to be distributed better in our society. I am writing this column so that I might be able to help steer politicians in the right direction. Otherwise, they are headed on the highway to hell. I am shocked by how much we have been lead astray by those in power. We have been conditioned to believe that this is an acceptable way to live. Putting pressure on your local politicians and aligning ourselves with those that appreciate the damage that has been done, may help us gain real traction.

I don’t acclaim to be an export on this issue, but gimme a brake! I think it’s my civic duty to report these facts. My mercury is rising and I don’t think we should dodge the problem. There are just too many people who can’t a ford to fill up their car which is a tragedy in America and such a saab story!

We are sadly cadilacking in support for the poor.  Many homeless people have lost their dignity and are a shell of their former selves. I may be clutching at straws but I’m tired of doing nothing. I’m not too sure which direction America is steering but the current way of thinking needs some serious repairs.  We need to take this issue wheely seriously, unlike some politicians who take a blinkered perspective and are just fuel of scrap. Many, like Rick Scott, give an automatic response that the homeless and poor are lazy and it’s their fault. We should work hard in order to help shift their attitudes because, quite frankly, I don’t like their tune. Some recent leislation that helps corporations should just be scrapped or reversed. Lately, many car dwelling people are running on empty, are driven to dispair, have no where to turn, and are just plain exhausted. Their dreams of days down on the beach will have to take a back seat for quite a while because they can’t a ford to drive there.

Big Business and politicians, in their efforts to drive down costs, have their blinkers on and have ignored the long term consequences of such a strategy. The window of opportunity is closing rapidly. We need to put the pedal to the metal and fire on all cylinders to get things rolling. It would be a great disservice to the poor if we didn’t explore all the avenues open to us. If we work together wheel be able to put pressure on politicians and big companies many of whom I’m not a fan of.

We need to gear up for a fight to help those in such tire straights and not allow this cause to stall.

 I hope we can inject more money to help advocacy groups so they can accelerate this one through the courts. Hiring top lawyers may be the key to success and provide a spark of hope. Unfortunately, many of these types of actions get suspended or stalled in the court system.

It’s no use being cranky and continuing to fume about this issue. We need to spring into action inorder to make any kind of dent in this problem! Remember, ‘The Squeaky Wheel Gets the Grease.‘  A good place to start is to form a government panel before our efforts hit the skids. What ever happens, it looks like a bumpy road ahead for the middle class and the poor.

Unfortunately, I carn’t think of what else to write because I have engine block,  so oil leave now…

How to save America.

Politicians and big business need to be less selfish and greedy!

Curtis, his Cow and the Accident

Curtis had a car accident.

In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Curtis.

‘Didn’t you say to the policeman at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor. 

Curtis responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the… ‘

‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,”I’m fine!”? 

Curtis said, ‘Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…. ‘

The solicitor interrupted again and said, ‘Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.’

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Curtis’ answer and said to the solicitor: ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie’.

Curtis thanked the Judge and proceeded. ‘Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Now what the F**k would you say?’

Curling Humour

Curling… when you can tell your lady that she is wide without fear of getting whacked upside the head with a cast iron pan.  Or proclaim out loud that she is too heavy, knowing that your comment has been heard by countless bystanders.  Where you can order your better half to sweep, sweep hard, and having the never before seen result of actually seeing her gutting it out just to please you!  For in curling, you are the king of the house!  ~Author Unknown

LOST MY WIFE

Man: I lost my wife……………
Inspector: What is her height…….
Man: I never noticed………….
Inspector: Slim or healthy………….
Man: Not slim can be healthy…………
Inspector: Color of eyes………..
Man: Never noticed………..
Inspector: Color of hair…………….
Man: Changes according to season……….
Inspector: What was she wearing………..
Man: Dress/suit/ I don’t remember exactly……..
Inspector: Was somebody with her ?????????Man: Yes my Labrador dog, Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together. And the man started crying…………..
Inspector: Lets search for the dog first !!!!!!!

Marriage Sarcasm

 THE BOSS

It doesn’t matter how often a husband changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.

NOT JUST IN AFRICA

A boy asks his father, “Dad, is it true, I heard in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”

His dad replies, “That happens in every country son!”

THE WIZARD

Valentine Wife

Nigel, an alcoholic, staggered into a bar on Valentine’s Day and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated there, walked up to her and gave her kiss in honour of Valentine’s Day.  She jumped up and slapped him really hard.  Nigel immediately apologised and explained, ‘Look, I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife.  You look exactly like her.’

‘Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!’ she screamed at the top of her voice.

‘Funny,’ Nigel muttered, shaking his head, ‘you even sound exactly like her.’

Valentine Puns

ON VALENTINE’S DAY

MANY PEOPLE TAKE HEART

Volcano

**

I lava you!

Devil

You’re hot, I love you.

You lucky devil.

Dinosaur

You are dino-mite

Don’t let our love become extinct.

Golf, Tees

I’m crazy fore you

You make my heart putt-putt

Suited to a tee

We are a Par-fect couple

Cupid

 All-I-Gator say is I love you 

I’m wild about you 

Snappy Valentine’s Day

I’d snap at a chance to be your valentine

Angel Food Cake

Thanks for being an angel—you take the cake

You’re the right catch 

You are my All Star

We’ll have a ball together

You batter believe that I love you

We’ve really hit it off

You stole my heart

With you as my valentine, I’ll never have to play the field

Every time I’m near you I get all choked-up

Nuts

I’m nuts about you

Here’s to all the nutty things we’ve done

Popcorn

Popping in to say Happy Valentine’s Day 

Don’t mean to be corny, but will you be mine?  

You are pop!-pop!-popular 

I’m e-kernel-ly yours

TEA

You are pre-tea cute 

Love is brewing 

You are tea-riffic 

Love you to eterni-tea 

You suit me to a tea

TIME

The time we spend together is priceless 

Time stands still when I’m with you 

I’ll love you ‘til the end of time

I love you big time 

TRAIN

I choo-choo-choose you

What are you a-freight of? Please be my valentine!

We are on the right track

Our love will never de-rail

You steam roll me over

You are on the ex-press track to my heart

Our love will never need re-training

Yoda one for me

More Animal Valentine Puns and One liners

Q: Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
A: Sure, they’re very scent-imental.

Q: What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
A: “I love you a ton!”

Q: What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A: “You’re fun to hang around with.”

Q: Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
A: He fell in love with a pincushion.

Happy Valentine’s Day