After a few pints at the local pub I arrived home and said to my wife, “I never knew this. I am so glad my friends provided me information that can help me more properly use the English language.”
She said, “What are you talking about?”
I said, “There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce Oklahoma!
The Proper Way is: ‘ Okla . . Homa’
There’s a pause between the ‘a’ and the ‘h’.”
She said, “No way!”
I said, “I can prove it!”
So I took her to the pub to meet my new friend.
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and that’s when the fight started…
My wife suspected that my divorce from my first wife was not legal and that I was still lawfully married to her.
“Do you know the punishment for bigamy?”, she asked.
I replied, ” Two Mother-in Laws!”
.
and that’s when the fight started…
Tired of my listless sex life, I came right out and asked my wife during a recent love-making session,
“How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?”
She glanced at me casually and replied, “You’re never home.”
and that’s when the fight started…
I asked my wife, “Do you know why they named it the “wonder bra?”
She said, “No!”
I said, ”When you take it off, I wonder where the boobs went.”
and that’s when the fight started…
There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
“Don’t touch those!” she said, “They are for the funeral.”
My wife and I had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. We decided to try one last time for the son we always wanted.
My wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. I rushed to the nursery to see my new son. I was horrified at the ugliest child I had ever seen.
“There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?”
My wife smiled sweetly and replied, “Not this time!”
and that’s when the fight started…
check out:
http://whenthefightstarted.blogspot.com/
for more “and that’s when the fight started jokes.”
Two guys are lost in the desert. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden one of them (Mark) says, “Hey Dave, do you smell what I smell. It’s bacon, I think.”
“Yeah Mark, it sure smells like bacon.”
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There is fried bacon, double smoked bacon, Canadian bacon; every imaginable kind of cured pork.
“Dave, Dave, we are saved. It’s a bacon tree.”
“Mark, maybe it’s a mirage? We are in the desert don’t forget.”
“Dave, since when did you ever hear of a mirage that smells like bacon? It’s no mirage, it’s a bacon tree.”
And with that, Mark staggers towards the tree. He gets to within five feet, with Dave crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Mark drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Dave with his dying breath, “Dave, go back man, you were right, it’s not a bacon tree!”
“Mark, Mark my friend, what is it?”
“Dave it’s not a bacon tree; it’s, it’s, it’s, a ham bush!”
An image of mass photo shoot at Sydney’s Opera House on Monday. Over 5,000 naked people braved a chilly morning to join a mass photo shoot at Sydney’s Opera House on Monday, putting a nude twist on the Australian landmark.
I was one of the 5,200 naked people who embraced each other on the steps of Sydney’s iconic Opera House on Monday for a photo shoot by Spencer Tunick. (The one in the middle!)
My wife asked me why she wasn’t in it?
I replied, “Your application was rejected.”
and that’s when the fight started…
“My parents have been there for me. Ever since I was about seven.’ DAVID BECKHAM
“I would not be bothered if we lost every game, as long as we won the league.’ MARK VIDUKA
“We lost because we didn’t win.” RONALDO
“I’ve had 14 bookings this season – eight of which were my fault, but seven of which were disputable.” PAUL GASCOIGNE
“I’d like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.” MICK DRAPER
“It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.”
“Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.”
“Leeds is a great club and it’s been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough.”
“I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.” STEWART PEARCE
“I couldn’t settle in Italy – it was like living in a foreign country.” IAN RUSH
“Germany are a difficult team to play… they had 11 internationals out there today.”
“One accusation you can’t throw at me is that I’ve always done my best.” ALAN SHEARER
“Sometimes in football you have to score goats.” THIERRY HENRY
“Winning doesn’t realty matter as long as you win.” VINNY JONES
“Alex Ferguson is the best manager I’ve ever had at this level. Well, he’s the only manager I’ve actually had at this level.” DAVID BECKHAM
The boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect.
The next day, he brought a small sign that
Read:
“I’m the Boss!”
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
” Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”
