Jokes

Grandparents are Funny

Grandparents are funny!

“Grandparents are a delightful blend of laughter,

caring deeds, wonderful stories and love.” 

-Author Unknown

The idea that no one is perfect is a view

most commonly held by people with no grandchildren.

~Doug Larson

• Grandparents are a family’s greatest treasure, the founders of a loving legacy, The greatest storytellers, the keepers of traditions that linger on in cherished memory. Grandparents are the family’s strong foundation. Their very special love sets them apart. Through happiness and sorrow, through their special love and caring, grandparents keep a family close at heart. ~author unknown
• Surely, two of the most satisfying experiences in life must be those of being a grandchild or a grandparent. ~Donald A. Norberg

• • Grandparents bring about a side that you probably wish that’s how your parents dealt with you while you were a child. Abundance of indulgence and unwavering love. ~ author unknown

  • Even young grandparents seem enormously old to a small child, although the child may politely deny it. One small girl, feeling proud of reaching the monumental age of four, turned to her young-looking grandmother and asked, “How come I’m so old if you’re so new?” ~Alison Judson Ryerson
  • What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I’d like to say that grandparents are God’s gifts to children. And if they can but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they can mature at a fast rate. ~Bill Cosby
  • Grandparents are similar to a piece of string – handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren. ~Author Unknown

My Mother Taught Me!

• 
• My Mother taught me about ‘anticipation.’
  “Just wait until your father gets home.”
  My Mother taught me to ‘meet a challenge.’
  “What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don’t talk back to me!”
  My Mother taught me ‘logic.’
• “If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
• You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, “Mom, why don’t you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?”
• You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
• 
• My mother taught me about ‘hypocrisy.’
  “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
  My mother taught me the ‘circle of Life.’
  “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
• 
  My mother taught me about ‘behavior modification.’
  “Stop acting like your father!”
• For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
  One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
  The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”
  Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”
• Mother to daughter advice:
  Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
  But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
• The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she’d have children if she had it to do over again. “Yes,” she replied. “But not the same ones.
• 

Check out the following site for more jokes, stories, free animations and poems about Mother’s Day:

http://mothersdayfunontheweb.blogspot.com/

Mother doesn’t want a Dog for Mother’s Day – very funny poem

Mother Doesn’t Want a Dog for Mother’s Day   by Judith Viorst

Mother doesn’t want a dog. 

Mother says they smell, 

And never sit when you say sit, 

Or even when you yell. 

And when you come home late at night 

And there is ice and snow,

You have to go back out because

the dumb dog has to go. 

Mother doesn’t want a dog. 

Mother says they shed, 

And always let the strangers in 

And bark at friends instead,

And do disgraceful things on rugs, 

And track mud on the floor, 

And flop upon your bed at night 

And snore their doggy snore. 

Mother doesn’t want a dog. 

She’s making a mistake. 

Because, more than a dog, 

I think She will not want this snake.

Romance and Old Age

I wonder if Romance and Old Age will really be like this?

An older couple were lying in bed. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood, and she wanted to talk.

She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my neck.”

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. “Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”

It’s the tortoise life for me!

To All Smart Women

To all smart women  – ha ha ! 

National Weed Day in the USA

HI! 

 Happy National Weed Day

Growing weed is like watching grass grow…

UPDATE:

 MARIJUANA IS FALLING FROM THE SKY

Initiative 502, passed last month by Washington voters, legalized recreational marijuana use starting December 6, but it will take a year before there are rules for growing and selling it.

 But a legal haze still engulfed pot smokers Thursday, when possession of up to an ounce of marijuana by adults become legal, though growing and selling it remains a crime.

 ”So I’m not sure where you’re suppose to get it,” Satterberg said. “If you stumble across some on the street or it falls from the sky, then you can have it. Otherwise, you are part of a criminal chain of distribution.” 

Can’t believe we have a National Weed Day?? What a great place to live!

The origins of 420 are a bit cloudy and covered in smoke.

Party On!!!!!

Can anyone catch  those damn bugs? 

National Weed Day is an informal sub-culture holiday that takes place on April 20th annually, in honor of the marijuana buzz term 420. Also known as ‘National Smoke Day’

Cheba Hut “Toasted” Subs will host what the company is billing as “the nation’s largest commercial celebration of 420, a holiday dedicated to those who enjoy the ‘high’ life of cannabis culture,” according to a news release.

The sandwich chain, which has an Iowa City location at 314 E. Burlington St., is offering a meal deal April 20 — a 4-inch sub, chips and a drink for $4.20. All meals will be served on Frisbees.

All-day festivities are planned at Cheba Hut locations nationally, including live music, ranch dressing and pickle juice chugging contests, Kool-Aid dunk tanks.

For more National Weed Day humor check out:

Weed Day Humor

Tiger Woods and The Masters Illegal Drop Scandal

Tiger Woods was assessed a two stoke penalty at the Masters for an illegal drop!

Who called in to let the officials know that Tiger Woods took an illegal drop?

There are a number of conspiracy theories

but many believe that the call was from Sweden.

Apparently a beautiful Swedish viewer was the caller!

Elin Nordegren?????????

The Masters Rules committee says a 2 stroke penalty is enough!

The Golf Channel “experts” say he should disqualify himself.

What do think Tiger Woods should do after being told he made an illegal drop.

Some say:

1. He should be disqualified.

2. Tiger Woods’ Penalty Should Have Been Assessed On The Spot Or Not At All

2. A two stroke penalty is enough

4. Tiger should continue to play

5. Tiger Woods should disqualify himself

If  Tiger Woods disqualifies himself from the masters for the illegal drop, one thing is certain. TV ratings will go way down. Most of the “experts”, who are fuelling this scandal,  on the Golf Channel should realize that their jobs probably wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for Tiger!

Tiger Woods and The Masters Illegal Drop Scandal

 to be continued…

A Politician’s Stance on Legalizing Marijuana

I thought this little “Joke” about leagalizing marijuana was quite timely.

A recent poll showed 

a majority of Americans support legalizing marijuana!

And with 420 Day fast approaching!!!

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward legalizing marijuana.

“If you are talking about the substance that is an effective treatment of seizures and migraines, that also helps MS patients, and relieves pain, nausea and vomiting and increases appetite in people with cancer and AIDS. The substance that relaxes its users in this terribly stressful world? Can you imagine the tax revenue that we senators could put to good use to help the 99%. Then I’m all for legalizing marijuana. Besides, there is no existing evidence of anyone dying of a marijuana overdose.”

‘However, If you mean the demon weed that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, and desecrates family life,  then I’m against it.

This is my position, and I will not compromise.’

Funny Quotes about Hypocritical Politicians

A hypocrite is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation.
Adlai E. Stevenson 

In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.
- Autobiography of Mark Twain

The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.
- Mark Twain in Eruption

I was really too honest a man to be a politician and live.
Socrates

My Wife’s Interviewing Skills

My wife and I operate a small but growing craft brewing business and we needed to hire a new employee. Bryan applied for an interview but I threw his application in the garbage. SHE (without me knowing) replied to Bryan!

****************

AND THAT’S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED…

I applied for the job. I feel really qualified to work in a beer business.

And she picked Bryan????

What does she see in Bryan? I bet he doesn’t even drink beer and watch TV!