e-Forwards.com » Jokes

NOMINATED FOR ” BEST EMAIL OF THE YEAR 2010”

John — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 10:58:01 +0000

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:

‘Let me see if I’ve got this right.

‘You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

‘You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

‘You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

‘You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams

‘You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

‘You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

‘You want me to do all this and then you tell me. . .

I CAN’T PRAY?

Also:

without support from many parents ( When I was a student, If I got in trouble at school I got in more trouble at home)

with dwindling budgets and support

with the threat of losing my job if students perform poorly on state, federal or provincial tests (which are a waste of money and time)

with a great deal of stress

with a huge workload

with low status

after 5 years of College or University Education

No wonder there are so many emails making the rounds about, WHY TEACHERS DRINK!

What’s for sale?

John — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 17:54:57 +0000

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.” Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, “What are you sellin’ here?” One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.” Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You’re doing well, only two left.”

All you think about is soccer, football, hockey, baseball and…

John — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 15:16:03 +0000

All you think about is soccer!

My Wife: ‘Soccer, soccer, soccer! That’s all you ever think about! If you said you were going to stay at home one Saturday afternoon to help with the house’ work, I think I’d drop dead from the shock!’

Me: ‘It’s no good trying to bribe me, dear.’

and that’s when the fight started…

True love in the twilight years…

John — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 12:30:36 +0000

True love in the twilight years…

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.” The old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth,” he said, “Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old bitch what it is.”

Getting Old – Time

John — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 12:26:07 +0000

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”

“Really,” answered the neighbor . “What kind is it?”

“Twelve thirty.”

The First Senior Moment

John — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 10:07:03 +0000

“Oh, Crap was that today?”

Lucky Day for Grandma

John — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 21:35:47 +0000

Lucky Day

“Breast fed”, she replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. she did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is hungry, You don’t have any milk.”

“Naturally”, she said, “I’m his Grandma. But I’m glad I came today”

A woman and a baby come into the doctor’s office. She was to go into a room and wait for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, “Is he breast fed or on the bottle?”

“Breast fed”, she replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. she did.

He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is hungry, You don’t have any milk.”

“Naturally”, she said, “I’m his Grandma. But I’m glad I came today“

Golf Balls

John — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 20:35:35 +0000

Golf Balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said: ‘Its golf balls’.

Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked: ‘Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?’

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said: ‘It’s golf balls’.

Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked: ‘Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?’

How on Earth did you do that?

John — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 19:46:55 +0000

A foursome approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left. The first golfer teed of and hooked the ball into that direction. But the ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway. As they all stood in silent amazement, one man finally asked him, “How on earth did you do that?” He shrugged his shoulders and said, “You have to know the bus schedule.”

Golfing with an Older Gentleman

John — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 19:36:36 +0000

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if played fast, he could squeeze in nine holes before he had to head home for dinner.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the fellow golfer to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste any time.

Finally, they reached the ninth fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”

With the challenge placed before him, the younger golfer swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

e-Forwards.com » Jokes

NOMINATED FOR ” BEST EMAIL OF THE YEAR 2010”

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:

‘Let me see if I’ve got this right.

‘Let me see if I’ve got this right.

‘You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

‘You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

‘You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

‘You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

‘You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

‘You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.

‘You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams

‘You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams

‘You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

‘You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

‘You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

‘You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

‘You want me to do all this and then you tell me. . .

‘You want me to do all this and then you tell me. . .

I CAN’T PRAY?

Also:

without support from many parents ( When I was a student, If I got in trouble at school I got in more trouble at home)

with dwindling budgets and support

with the threat of losing my job if students perform poorly on state, federal or provincial tests (which are a waste of money and time)

with a great deal of stress

with a huge workload

with low status

after 5 years of College or University Education

No wonder there are so many emails making the rounds about, WHY TEACHERS DRINK!

What’s for sale?

All you think about is soccer, football, hockey, baseball and…

All you think about is soccer!

True love in the twilight years…

True love in the twilight years…

Getting Old – Time

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”

“Really,” answered the neighbor . “What kind is it?”

“Twelve thirty.”

The First Senior Moment

Lucky Day for Grandma

Golf Balls

How on Earth did you do that?

Golfing with an Older Gentleman

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if played fast, he could squeeze in nine holes before he had to head home for dinner.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the fellow golfer to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste any time.

Finally, they reached the ninth fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”

With the challenge placed before him, the younger golfer swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall.”