Take this simple test and find out.
Once again, not actual facts, just facts of life!
The Mess Test: Simply smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
The Toy Test: Obtain a HUGE box of Lego. (If Lego’s are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Then Shopping Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
The Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
The Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
The Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 – 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest chemist. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the sales assistant to help herself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your salary to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers!
It’s all a matter of perception sometimes.
Here’s the reply the teacher received the following day from the child’s Mom:
Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn’t show me dancing around a pole. It’s supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith
Garfield on the oil crisis
A lot of folks can’t understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in Canada .
Well, there’s a very simple answer,
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn’t know we were getting low.
The reason for this is purely geographical.
Our Oil is located in:
ALBERTA
SASKATCHEWAN
BRITISH COLUMBIA
MANITOBA
COASTAL NEW BRUNSWICK
COASTAL NEWFOUNDLAND
Our DIPSTICKS are located in OTTAWA
Any Questions ???
NO ?…. Didn’t think so.
THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn’t go to Sunday school.
So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?”
“Sure,” said the janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, “You are now baptized!”
When they got outside, one of them asked, “‘What religion do you think we are?”
The oldest one said, “We’re not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.”
“We’re not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.”
“We’re not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.”
The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water?”
They all joined in asking, “Yeah! What do you think that means?”
“I think it means we’re Pisskopailians”!!
