Kids/Children

Football Jokes, NFL, Super Bowl

“Football is a game played with arms, legs and shoulders but mostly from the neck up.” 

 Knute Rockne 

Super Bowl XLVI  (46) February 5, 2012 

New York Giants & New England Patriots

Congratulations to the GIANTS! 21- 17

SUPER BOWL CHAMPS

Princess, the star Camel of New Jersey’s Popcorn Park Zoo, has correctly picked the winner of five of the last six Super Bowls. She went 14 and 6 predicting regular season and playoff games this year, and has a lifetime record of 88-51.

Her pick this year: The New York Giants.

Stare at the picture to see the best optical illusion ever.

Just for fun

I know it’s a long stretch, but I’m sticking my neck out and picking the Patriots!

 Wonder who Madonna picks?

If I spend money for a Super Bowl ticket ~ “Do I get to have sex with Madonna?”  David Letterman

Letterman read “Questions to Ask Yourself Before Spending $16,000 on a Super Bowl Ticket” on Tuesday’s edition of his late-night talk show.
The list read as follows –

10. “Do they have anything in the more affordable $15,000 range?”

9. “Have I recently divorced eitherKobe Bryant or Tiger Woods?” 

8. “Can I afford it after spending $12,000 on a Pro Bowl ticket?”

7. “Isn’t this why the rest of the world hates us?”

6. “Would it make more sense to watch at home and spend the 16 grand on snacks?”

5. “Before I spend the money, how’s Gronkowski’s ankle?”

4. “For $4,000 an hour, couldn’t I get a really good hooker?”

3. “If I’ve got 16 grand, should I buy the Mets?”

2. “Will I forever be known as ‘the ass [expletive] who spent $16,000 on a Super Bowl ticket?’”

1. “Do I get to have sex with Madonna?” 

Well, say, this (football) beats croquet. There’s more go about it!
- quoted in “Mark Twain at Football Game,” New York World, Sunday November 18, 1900

According to a poll, 43% of Americans thought God helped Tim Tebow win football games.  But many of them also resented it because that meant God was sitting at home watching football while they were at church. 

Joe Biden was at a Democratic fundraiser last week in San Francisco and he said, “The Giants are on the way to the Super Bowl.”  After getting jeered he said he made a mistake because the San Francisco baseball team is the Giants.  Who would have thought Biden would ever get confused?  Anyway, since the subject was football it is appropriate that he stuck his foot in his mouth.

***

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY is the number one

SNACK DAY in the United States.

Not a good day to start a diet or maintain a diet.

Companies are spending a fortune in

The Battle For Your Stomach

Just sit back and enjoy a SUPER BOWL of:

chili, chips, dip, chicken wings,

processed sliced meat or pizza

Want to be a creative host at your Super Bowl Party?

Try serving these hefty caloric unique snacks:

Scroll over the picture for their names!

New York state bakery named Coccadotts Cake Shop is selling a combination of cornbread and bleau cheese frosting — with a big ol’ chicken wing on top. Said Rachel Coca-Dott, owner of the bakery in Colonie near Albany:

I was thinking about the Super Bowl. What goes with the Super Bowl but chicken wings? And I said, ‘Oh, a chicken wing cupcake, Rachel?’ And I tried five or six recipes and the last recipe when I was ready to call it quits I think we kinda nailed it on it.

In the Patriots initial media session, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, made a good attempt to get the Indianapolis home town fans on his side when he mentioned the Patriots’ loss to the rival Colts in 2009.

“I never had too much hospitality here until I went for it on fourth-and-2,” Belichick quipped. “Since then, I’ve been greeted in a lot more friendly manner than I was in the past.”

****

A ball boy made an incredible catch during the Australian Open Tennis match between Federer and Nadal. I’ll have to check the stats, but I think that grab gives the kid the same number of receptions that Green Bay Packers receivers had in the playoffs.

Where do hungry football players play? In the Supper Bowl.

Q: What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl in Arlington, Texas?
A: The Dallas Cowboys!

Q: What’s the difference between the Green bay Packers and Cheerios?
A: Cheerios belongs in a bowl.

Superbowl Commitment…
… A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field.
He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken.
The man replied, “No.”
Amazed the young man asked, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older gentleman responded, “That’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the man said. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man said, “They’re all at the funeral.”

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, “What is your IQ?”
The man answers “241.”
“That is wonderful!,” says Albert. “We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!” Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, “What is your IQ?”
The lady answers, “144.”
“That is great!,” responds Albert. “We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!”
Albert goes to another person and asks, “What is your IQ?”
The man answers, “51.”
Albert responds, “How ’bout them Packers?”

The Cheesehead teacher and Little Johnny

“A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Cheesehead.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Cheeseheads too.
No one really knowing what a Cheesehead was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A boy named Little Johnny who has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different.
“Because I’m not a Cheesehead.”

“Then”, asks the teacher, “What are you?”
“Why, I’m a proud Steeler Fan,” boasts Little Johnny.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Little Johnny why he is a rebel.
“Well, my mom and dad are Steeler Fans, so I’m a Steeler Fan too.”
The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”
A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Little Johnny, “I’d be a Cheesehead”.”

“The city of Pittsburgh is on top of the sports world. To remain there, they’ll have to sell the Pirates”

“The Steelers are keeping the natural grass on their field so that the offensive line has something to graze on.”

Next Season
The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, “The Panthers are Super Bowl contenders.”Snow White thought to herself, “Thank God… at least Dopey’s survived!”

*

“My definition of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself!”

The ‘Middle Wife’ by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

Best Super Bowl Ad Ever – Mean Joe Greene Returns

The Best Super Bowl ad of all time is making a comeback — with a little help from comedian Amy Sedaris and Downey Unstopables.

Mean Joe Greene, the former Pittsburgh Steeler star, recreated his 1979 Super Bowl ad for Coca-Cola in a spot for Downey Unstopables In-Wash Scent Booster.

Two Great Gifts For Valentine’s Day

For that Special Valentine in your life,

you might want to consider the following two GREAT GIFT IDEAS.

They are free

No tax

No special equipment needed,

No batteries or parts

Always arrive on time

Guaranteed to please

Extremely Personal

Shipping is free

and they are returnable

A MASSAGE

AND A HUG

Just open up your arms

And open up your hearts.

Research shows that our skin is teeming

with nerve fibres which spring into action when we are

cuddled, hugged, massaged or gently touched. 

They transmit the information back to the brain’s emotional hub,

creating feelings of pleasure.

Did you know that, if you visualise, you can actually hug on the phone? ~ Shelly Long

Where I live if someone gives you a hug it’s from the heart. ~ Steve Irwin

A hug is like a boomerang – you get it back right away. ~ Bil Keane

But remember,

a hug without a squeeze

is like apple pie without cheese.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY MOM AND DAD

“A Daughter is a Little Girl who grows up to be a Friend”

My heroes are and were my parents. I can’t see having anyone else as my heroes. Michael Jordan

“The family is the school of duties – founded on love” ~ Felix Adler

Little Johnny’s Valentine Love

At a Valentine’s Day Party, the mother of the little girl who was hosting the party, overheard Little Johnny talking to his friend.
“Oh, I really love her,” said Little Johnny.
“I would love her too, if she were mine,” agreed his friend.
“I love the way she walks, and the way she moves, and her eyes are a beautiful brown color.”
“You’re very lucky,” said his friend.
“And do you know what I like the best?” asked Little Johnny. “I love the way she kisses my ear.”
“Little Johnny,” the mother said, “I couldn’t help listening to your lovely words. I think it’s so cute that you love your girlfriend so much!”
“My girlfriend?!” said Little Johnny, very surprised. “I was talking about my dog!”

Why Little Johnny will grow up to prefer dogs over women:

http://www.e-forwards.com/2010/09/top-ten-reasons-why-some-men-prefer-dogs/

Your Expression…

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

cute picture, email forward*

Best and Cutest Breast Cancer email

Best T-shirt in 2012! — Too Cute!!!

 This is the best Breast Cancer forward I’ve ever received!

All you are asked to do is keep this circulating. Even if it’s to one more person. In memory of anyone you know that has been struck down by cancer or is still living with it.  Please Keep This Candle Going!  A Candle Loses Nothing by Lighting Another Candle.   

A small request: All you are asked to do is keep this circulating.

It’s not the words we know that show wisdom, but how and when we use them.

Year of the Dragon ~ Protect Yourself

Bears sleep by day. At night they stay awake to chase away bad dreams ~ Jesse O’Neil

All you have between you and ‘The Dark’ is Bear. ~ Helen Thomson

In a world where everyone seems to be larger and louder than yourself, it is very comforting to have a small, quiet companion. ~ Peter Gray

WHEN YOU NEED A HUG

- Volunteer

- Write thank-you notes. Expressing gratitude makes you and the recipient happy.

- Call your mom. Or your dad, or your grandma or anyone you haven’t talked to in a while and surprise them with a chat.

- Get a cat. If you’re not a dog person, cats make wonderful, loving, stress-reducing housemates and bed-warmers.

- Cuddle up with someone you love. Enjoy time with your kids or your partner for instant happiness.

- Babysit for a friend. Being around children’s infectious optimism is sure to boost your mood.

- Hold a baby. They’re cute and cuddly and without a care in the world—you’ll feel instantly uplifted.

(* wait for the baby to blink ~ so adorable)

Quotes about Hugs
A fan will grab you and hug you and will not let go. When that happens, you wish it could be that way all over the world. Charlie Pride

A hug is like a boomerang – you get it back right away. Bil Keane

Did you know that, if you visualise, you can actually hug on the phone? Shelly Long

Everybody needs a hug.  It changes your metabolism.  ~Leo Buscaglia

You can’t wrap love in a box, but you can wrap a person in a hug.  ~Author Unknown

I have a present for you, but I need to borrow your arms for wrapping paper.  ~Author Unknown

Hug Department:  Always Open  ~Author Unknown

Poem About Hugs

There’s something in a simple hug

 That always warms the heart;

 It welcomes us back home

Makes it easier to part.

A hug’s a way to share the joy,

And sad times we go through,

Or just a way for friends to say

They like you ’cause you’re you.

Hugs are meant for anyone

For whom we really care,

From grandma to your neighbour,

Or a cuddly teddy bear.

A hug is an amazing thing-

It’s just the perfect way

To show the love we’re feeling

But can’t find the words to say.

It’s funny how a little hug

Makes everyone feel good;

In every place and language,

It’s always understood.

No special equipment needed,

No batteries or parts-

Just open up your arms

And open up your hearts.