Little Johnny Jokes

Football Jokes, NFL, Super Bowl

“Football is a game played with arms, legs and shoulders but mostly from the neck up.” 

 Knute Rockne 

Super Bowl XLVI  (46) February 5, 2012 

New York Giants & New England Patriots

Congratulations to the GIANTS! 21- 17

SUPER BOWL CHAMPS

Princess, the star Camel of New Jersey’s Popcorn Park Zoo, has correctly picked the winner of five of the last six Super Bowls. She went 14 and 6 predicting regular season and playoff games this year, and has a lifetime record of 88-51.

Her pick this year: The New York Giants.

Stare at the picture to see the best optical illusion ever.

Just for fun

I know it’s a long stretch, but I’m sticking my neck out and picking the Patriots!

 Wonder who Madonna picks?

If I spend money for a Super Bowl ticket ~ “Do I get to have sex with Madonna?”  David Letterman

Letterman read “Questions to Ask Yourself Before Spending $16,000 on a Super Bowl Ticket” on Tuesday’s edition of his late-night talk show.
The list read as follows –

10. “Do they have anything in the more affordable $15,000 range?”

9. “Have I recently divorced eitherKobe Bryant or Tiger Woods?” 

8. “Can I afford it after spending $12,000 on a Pro Bowl ticket?”

7. “Isn’t this why the rest of the world hates us?”

6. “Would it make more sense to watch at home and spend the 16 grand on snacks?”

5. “Before I spend the money, how’s Gronkowski’s ankle?”

4. “For $4,000 an hour, couldn’t I get a really good hooker?”

3. “If I’ve got 16 grand, should I buy the Mets?”

2. “Will I forever be known as ‘the ass [expletive] who spent $16,000 on a Super Bowl ticket?’”

1. “Do I get to have sex with Madonna?” 

Well, say, this (football) beats croquet. There’s more go about it!
- quoted in “Mark Twain at Football Game,” New York World, Sunday November 18, 1900

According to a poll, 43% of Americans thought God helped Tim Tebow win football games.  But many of them also resented it because that meant God was sitting at home watching football while they were at church. 

Joe Biden was at a Democratic fundraiser last week in San Francisco and he said, “The Giants are on the way to the Super Bowl.”  After getting jeered he said he made a mistake because the San Francisco baseball team is the Giants.  Who would have thought Biden would ever get confused?  Anyway, since the subject was football it is appropriate that he stuck his foot in his mouth.

***

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY is the number one

SNACK DAY in the United States.

Not a good day to start a diet or maintain a diet.

Companies are spending a fortune in

The Battle For Your Stomach

Just sit back and enjoy a SUPER BOWL of:

chili, chips, dip, chicken wings,

processed sliced meat or pizza

Want to be a creative host at your Super Bowl Party?

Try serving these hefty caloric unique snacks:

Scroll over the picture for their names!

New York state bakery named Coccadotts Cake Shop is selling a combination of cornbread and bleau cheese frosting — with a big ol’ chicken wing on top. Said Rachel Coca-Dott, owner of the bakery in Colonie near Albany:

I was thinking about the Super Bowl. What goes with the Super Bowl but chicken wings? And I said, ‘Oh, a chicken wing cupcake, Rachel?’ And I tried five or six recipes and the last recipe when I was ready to call it quits I think we kinda nailed it on it.

In the Patriots initial media session, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, made a good attempt to get the Indianapolis home town fans on his side when he mentioned the Patriots’ loss to the rival Colts in 2009.

“I never had too much hospitality here until I went for it on fourth-and-2,” Belichick quipped. “Since then, I’ve been greeted in a lot more friendly manner than I was in the past.”

****

A ball boy made an incredible catch during the Australian Open Tennis match between Federer and Nadal. I’ll have to check the stats, but I think that grab gives the kid the same number of receptions that Green Bay Packers receivers had in the playoffs.

Where do hungry football players play? In the Supper Bowl.

Q: What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl in Arlington, Texas?
A: The Dallas Cowboys!

Q: What’s the difference between the Green bay Packers and Cheerios?
A: Cheerios belongs in a bowl.

Superbowl Commitment…
… A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field.
He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken.
The man replied, “No.”
Amazed the young man asked, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older gentleman responded, “That’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the man said. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man said, “They’re all at the funeral.”

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, “What is your IQ?”
The man answers “241.”
“That is wonderful!,” says Albert. “We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!” Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, “What is your IQ?”
The lady answers, “144.”
“That is great!,” responds Albert. “We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!”
Albert goes to another person and asks, “What is your IQ?”
The man answers, “51.”
Albert responds, “How ’bout them Packers?”

The Cheesehead teacher and Little Johnny

“A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Cheesehead.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Cheeseheads too.
No one really knowing what a Cheesehead was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A boy named Little Johnny who has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different.
“Because I’m not a Cheesehead.”

“Then”, asks the teacher, “What are you?”
“Why, I’m a proud Steeler Fan,” boasts Little Johnny.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Little Johnny why he is a rebel.
“Well, my mom and dad are Steeler Fans, so I’m a Steeler Fan too.”
The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”
A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Little Johnny, “I’d be a Cheesehead”.”

“The city of Pittsburgh is on top of the sports world. To remain there, they’ll have to sell the Pirates”

“The Steelers are keeping the natural grass on their field so that the offensive line has something to graze on.”

Next Season
The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, “The Panthers are Super Bowl contenders.”Snow White thought to herself, “Thank God… at least Dopey’s survived!”

*

“My definition of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself!”

Little Johnny’s Valentine Love

At a Valentine’s Day Party, the mother of the little girl who was hosting the party, overheard Little Johnny talking to his friend.
“Oh, I really love her,” said Little Johnny.
“I would love her too, if she were mine,” agreed his friend.
“I love the way she walks, and the way she moves, and her eyes are a beautiful brown color.”
“You’re very lucky,” said his friend.
“And do you know what I like the best?” asked Little Johnny. “I love the way she kisses my ear.”
“Little Johnny,” the mother said, “I couldn’t help listening to your lovely words. I think it’s so cute that you love your girlfriend so much!”
“My girlfriend?!” said Little Johnny, very surprised. “I was talking about my dog!”

Why Little Johnny will grow up to prefer dogs over women:

http://www.e-forwards.com/2010/09/top-ten-reasons-why-some-men-prefer-dogs/

Merry Christmas Greetings

DECEMBER 17 INSPIRATIONAL ADVENT CALENDAR ~ CHRISTMAS MEANING

CHECK DAILY FOR AN INSPIRATIONAL CHRISTMAS ADVENT POSTER. 

There are 24 posters, one for each day leading up to Christmas.

An Advent calendar is a special calendar which is used to count or celebrate the days of ADVENT in anticipation of CHRISTMAS. 

Enjoy and Merry Christmas!

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more. - Dr. Seuss

Happy Winter

we’ll never know
who sent her
the little lady
named winter

but she danced
into our hearts
and stole away
sweet autumn’s grace

filled our hearts
with her sparkling face
of snow and cold ice
her laughter in the winds
calling to us like a friend

dress up warm
and come out to play
’cause nothing’s as fun
as a cold winter’s day

Little Johnny ~ Circumcised!

The English language and what it really means!!!!!!!!!! Bless Little Johnny’s heart!

Little Johnny and Work Appraisal

Little Johnny went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits (phone numbers).  The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation.

Little Johnny: ‘Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?

Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): ‘I already have someone to cut my lawn.’

Little Johnny: ‘Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now.’

Woman: ‘I’m very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.’

Little Johnny: (with more perseverance) : ‘Lady, I’ll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach , Florida.’

Woman: ‘No, thank you.’

With a smile on his face, Little Johnny replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.

Store Owner: ‘Son… I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job.’

Little Johnny: ‘No thanks.’

Store Owner: ‘But you were really pleading for one.’

Little Johnny: ‘No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the Job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!’

Little Johnny and the John Deere Tractor

A farmer has three sons. (The youngest being Little Johnny!)
One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, “Son, come with me.”
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, “That John Deere tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it’s paid for, we’ll get you a car.”

The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, “Okay, Dad.”
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse. “as soon as that tractor is paid for.”
Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, Little Johnny, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle.
Again, ol’ Dad gives him the lecture about the John Deere tractor being paid for first. While leaving the barn, Little Johnny, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen’s back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, “Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn’t do anything to you to deserve that!”

Little Johnny looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, “Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for!”

Little Johnny Apple Pie Joke

Falling Satellites, Little Johnny and Chicken Little

Recently, due to the news about UARS – the falling satellite,

a first grade teacher decided to read the story of

Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer.

She read, ” …and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ” The sky is falling! The sky is Falling!”

The teacher then asked the class, “And what do you think the farmer said?”

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “I think he said, ” Holy sh*t! A talking chicken!”