New Year’s Jokes

Hangover Cures

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On New Year’s Eve I always look forward to the next 12 months with hope for a prosperous and happy year. This usually lasts until just before my hangover kicks in! (JC)

 A hangover is the wrath of grapes.  ~Author Unknown

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. 

~Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

  ~W.C. Fields

Suffering due to too much Fun?

Beer is the cause and solution to all of life’s problems.  ~Homer Simpson

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.  ~Henny Youngman

I’m going to be around until the Atomic Energy Commission finds a safe place to bury my liver.  ~Phil Harris

Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness.  ~Seneca

A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.  ~W.C. Fields

A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death. ~ Robert Benchley

You come home, and you party. But after that, you get a hangover. Everything about that is negative. ~ Mike Tyson

If you had too much fun on St. Patrick’s Day, New Year’s Eve, or any day of the year, then try one or more of these cures which may help you recover from the dreaded HANGOVER.

Want to avoid a hangover or terrible headache? Eat a few cucumber slices before going to bed and wake up refreshed and headache free. Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B vitamins and electrolytes to replenish essential nutrients the body lost, keeping everything in equilibrium, avoiding both a hangover and headache!!

Hangover Helper!

Read more about the Amazing Cucumber at:

 http://www.e-forwards.com/2009/12/the-amazing-cucumber/

Other suggestions:

Just in time for New Year’s Eve revelers, the FDA has approved the ”the other morning after pill.”

The pill was comprised of “aspirin, caffeine, and a medicine to calm your stomach. Amazingly, it reportedly works in 15 minutes as well.

This newest, and highly touted hangover cure is called Blowfish and is expected to be in drug stores shortly. The US Food and Drug Administration has given it the okay to be sold over-the-counter. Its creator, Brenna Haysom, explains that the tablets consist of 1,000 milligrams of aspirin, 120 milligrams of caffeine and a stomach-soothing agent split up into two effervescent tablets to be taken the morning after a night of heavy drinking. Despite the product slogan, ‘Own the night. Save the day’ Miss Haysom denies that the treatment promotes binge drinking and she doesn’t encourage overuse, adding ‘I definitely don’t encourage people to get obliterated.’ 

More hangover “CURES”

# Painkillers and Antacids
Alcohol is an irritant to the stomach, so aspirin and ibuprofen (also irritants) may make matters worse. Over-the-counter antacids will protect your stomach lining and ease acid indigestion. Meanwhile, a couple of Tylenol should quell that brain-splitting headache.

# Back to Bed
You drank way too much, so you deserve a good rest. This is especially good if you can find someone to wait on your every need.

# Tomatoes
Hangover sufferers regularly eat tomatoes (soup, pasta sauce, raw, etc.) to ease their symptoms. They’re rich in vitamin C, which gets depleted after a night of drinking. This may explain why the classic morning-after drink, Bloody Mary, is so popular.

# Hair of the Dog

Did you know that Jan. 1 is also National Bloody Mary Day? Nothing helps a hangover like a little “hair of the dog,”
This is not one for the faint-hearted. Research has shown that it works – but only temporarily. While your body is busy dealing with a new intake of booze, it suspends its torture. But once you stop drinking you’re likely to go back to hangover hell.

# Fruit Juice
Juice, especially freshly-squeezed, works well because it replaces lost vitamins, the fruit sugar (fructose) boosts your energy levels, and it may play a part in speeding up your body’s toxin-ridding process.



# Roll in the Hay
When you’ve tried all else (better still, before) get together with, or on top of, the one you love. The exercise will get your blood flowing. And the rest, well you know what that does. When you’re done, you can down a big drink of water and slip back into a peaceful slumber.

This just might be the best Hangover cure! It’s taken years of field research to arrive at this conclusion!!!!!

Or you may wish to Give Up Drinking. These Ladies may convince you that you should!!!

http://www.e-forwards.com/2010/08/would-you-give-up-drinking/

A Bad Dream on New Year’s Eve

Leroy’s wife was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Leroy, ‘I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?’

‘Aha, you’ll know tonight,’ answered Leroy smiling broadly.

At midnight , as the New Year clocks were chiming, leroy approached his wife and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: ‘The meaning of dreams’.

Happy New Year Wish For You – 2012 Contract

2012 Contract

After serious & cautious consideration…

your contract of friendship has been

renewed for the New Year 2012 !

It was a very hard decision to make… So try not to screw it up!

May 2012 be the best year of your life!!!

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Manigong Bagong Taon 2012 mga mensahe at mga imahe

Chúc m?ng n?m m?i 2012 tin nh?n và hình ?nh

Feliz Año Nuevo 2012 mensajes e imágenes

Feliz Ano Novo 2012 Mensagens e Imagens

Chúc m?ng n?m m?i 2012 tin nh?n và hình ?nh

Selamat Tahun Baru 2012 Pesan dan Gambar

Ode To The New Year ~ Christmas Diet Fail

‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I’d remember the marvellous meals I’d prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I’d never said, ‘No thank you, please.’

As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt – I said to myself, as I only can ‘You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!’

So – away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished ‘Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won’t have a cookie – not even a lick.

I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore But isn’t that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.

Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

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Say Goodbye to 2011

Zeitgeist 2011: Year In Review

New Years Resolution 2012 – More Exercise and Walking

“Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.” — Anonymous

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Why I won’t be walking for Exercise in 2012

Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old

to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing

home at $7000 per month.

I like long walks,

especially when they are taken

by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking

is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,

before my brain figures out what I’m doing..

I joined a health club last year,

spent about 400 bucks.

Haven’t lost a pound.

Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,

I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day

is so when you die, they’ll say,

‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,

start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise

the last few years,……

just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,

because there’s a lot more information in our heads.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much

about how I look,

I just find a Happy Hour

and by the time I leave,

I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends

But just e-mail it to them

Depressed Man

There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

We’re moving closer & closer to the New Year ”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦

STOP! ”¦. not too fast ”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦ .

or maybe like this ? ”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦.

For all of us,

big and small,

time flew by ”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦.

and sometimes we wish ”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦.

we have more of it.

This week we will little work hard

”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦.. alot

”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦.. yes.

Sometimes things were”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦

quite exhausting .

But now,”¦”¦”¦..

1..2..3”¦start 

Its last week to gooooooooooooooo

Its final oneeeeee

Have a Pleasant and Relaxing week and a Blasting New Year.

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS FOR NERDS

16. I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er… I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children… my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, “So, what’s your URL?” as a pickup line.

5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily… well, once a week… monthly, perhaps…

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

1. I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.

A prayer for the Golden Years

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

How to Quit Smoking

How to Quit Smoking

Peter, at a New Year’s party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.

‘I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,’ Ken responds.
‘I’m in the process of quitting,’ replies Peter with a grin. ‘Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.’

‘Phase one?’ wonders Ken.

‘Yeah,’ laughs Peter, ‘I’ve quit buying.’