Office Humor

Office Humor My Work Experience Fail

During a recent job interview they asked me about my previous work experience.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

 After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

 Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I worked as a pilot but eventually got grounded for taking off too much.

Then I tried teaching but I couldn’t make the grade.

I spent a few years as a Psychiatrist but everyone’s problems drove me crazy.

 I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.

 Then I tried to be a chef–figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn’t have the thyme.

 I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

 My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

I was a pretty good eye doctor, but I could not stay focused on the job.

I worked a long time as a doctor.
I gave it my best shot, but I didn’t have enough patients.

 Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it never touched my sole.  

The Energizer Battery Company hired me but then expected me to keep going, and going, and going…

 I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

 Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

 I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. 

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it.

 So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

Of course, I tried being a secretary, but it turned out not to be my type of work.

My years as an exterminator were pretty good, but I got tired of the rat race.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking even thought it kind of turned me on. 

I was a gardener for a while, but I didn’t grow with the job even though I was racking in the money.

My career as a comedian was a stand-up success, but the critics thought I was a big joke. 

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

 You got any ideas? I’m opened for suggestions……maybe you have something that WORKS…..cause I don’t!!

Happy Boss’s Day

Boss’s Day is October 16

According to Emily Post, you should not give your boss a gift unless it is from a group of employees.

This will avoid the appearance of currying favor from your boss.

In other words ~ No sucking up!

Would Massaging your boss be considered “Sucking Up”?

Boss’ Day (alternative spelling Boss’s Day, also known as Bosses Day or National Boss Day) is a secular holiday celebrated on October 16 in the United States and Canada. It has traditionally been a day for employees to thank their boss for being kind and fair throughout the year. The holiday has been the source of some controversy and criticism in the United States, where it is often mocked as a Hallmark Holiday

One interesting feature of this occasion in India, is that Boss’s present gifts to their subordinates.

Poems for Boss’s Day

Appreciation Poetry for Boss 

A Small Poem
“Doing special favors
In a dozen different ways
Looking out for others
With no thought
Of thanks or praise
Treating workers like a family,
Setting good examples, too
These things make a wonderful boss
And they all apply to you!”

Appreciation On Boss’s Day
“This day is special and it’s just for you
To tell how much we appreciate you
We cannot tell how happy we are
To have the boss the way you are
We have someone who listens to us
We have someone who guide us through
The problems could have never been simple
If you had not given us confidence to fight them through
You have accepted us the way we are
You have made us perform and make that mark
The joy of success has always prevailed
Because the failure distinctively got nailed
We are a team and we love to perform
We like to take storm by its horns
We now know how to rock
Because we are lucky to have you as our boss
This day is special and it’s just for you
To tell how much we appreciate you
We cannot tell how happy we are
To have the boss the way you are”

For A Wonderful Boss On This Special Day
(A poem by Audrey A. Cooper)
“That special boss, you work for
A Special poem from all of us
There are many bosses in this world, but
None of them can compare how special you are, to all of us
You have that special quality that lets each of us,
Be ourselves, even when we may over bearing at times, it seems.
You have that special quality that doesn’t change any one of us,
Only to enhance and bring out the best qualities in each of us,
And we all thank you for that.
You are a very special
Boss to all of us!
Happy Boss Day!”

Being A Boss Is Tough
It is not always easy to be the one in charge
In charge of fixing the daily conundrums
Having to make the call can cause the nerves to flair
Flair with fear and raw vulnerability for what’s unknown
And the issues get more gnarly as the day wears on
Wearing patience thin and testing tired brain cells
Why would anyone want to be the boss?
The boss gets all complaints and aggravation
Constant interruptions render plans obsolete
Obsolete and out of touch before clearing the gate
Being a boss comes with these and many more challenges
Challenges roller coaster emotions and many more energy
These diversions don’t overshadow the reasons to lead
Leading is about people, connection and excellence
Leaders can see and develop our potential
The potential to fully express and utilize our talents
The boss cares about whether people are engaged
Engaged and unencumbered by rolling curd
Hats off to all leaders who get through the muck
The mucky muck of business to help people be great
Jobs would be unbearable without great bosses

Famous, Funny and Clever Boss Day Quotes 

• “Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties” ~ Doug Larson

• “Show me a man who is a good looser and I’ll show a man who is playing golf with his boss” ~ Jim Murray

• “The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skills.” ~ Robert Heller

• “By working eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” Robert Frost

• “Key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate you away from those who are still undecided.” ~ Casey Stengal

• “If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have job if he was any smarter.” ~ Albert A Grant

• “Being a boss anywhere is lonely. Being a female boss in a world of mostly men is especially so.” ~ Allison Gomme

• “If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that world word would be ‘meetings’.” ~ Dave Barry

• “The person who knows how will always have job. The person who knows WHY will always be his boss.” ~ Diane Ravitch

• “I am felling an unusual sensation – if it is not indigestion, I think it might be gratitude.” ~ Benjamin Disraeli

• “A good boss is a person who can tolerate my complaints and still manage to say hello to me every day.” ~ Byron Pusifer

• “Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throat.” ~ Howard Aiken

How do you get a job like that???

Judges select from hundreds of contestants vying for a spot in the Miss Universe. Beautiful women from over 80 countries and territories will compete for the title.

I bet there is more competition for the right to become a judge!

Office Humor – Have you ever wondered?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die.

First rule of acting: Whatever happens, look as if it were intended.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Of course I don’t look busy…..I did it right the first time!

Nobody notices what I do, until I don’t do it.

Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all!

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

In as much as the earth is 2/3 water and 1/3 land, it is clear that our time should be divided. 2/3 fishing and 1/3 work.

Quote from the Boss: I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.

The world is full of willing people — some willing to work and some willing to let them. -Robert Frost

There can’t be a crisis today, my schedule is already full.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

I don’t mind if you sleep in class. Only, please do not snore. You are disturbing others who are trying to sleep. -Dr. C. Rao, UW-Whitewater

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

Oh me oh my. A lovely day is dawning. Oh what a joy I didn’t wake up dead. So I can go to school and resume my yawning. And get my sleeping in class instead of in my bed.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

The Romans didn’t find algebra very challenging, because X was always 10.

No matter how many years pass teachers will always use the word obviously, without ever knowing what it means.

A morning without coffee is like something without something else.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Sorry – yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.

It’s a biiiig mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.

Sorry I’m late, I’ll leave early to make up for it.

There ought to be a better way to start the day than by getting up in the morning.

Two kinds of people: Those who finish what they start and…

Work fascinates me, I can look at it for hours!

“The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.” -Albert Einstein

“If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?” -Albert Einstein

If A equals success, then the formula is _A = X + Y + Z_. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. – Albert Einstein

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

The gradaute with the science degree asks ‘Why does it work?’ The graduate with an engineering degree asks ‘How does it work?’ The graduate with an accounting degree asks ‘How much will it cost?’ The graduate with an English degree asks ‘Would you like fries with that, Sir?’*

Conway’s Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on – This person must be fired.*

If ignorance is bliss, this lesson would appear to be a deliberate attempt on your part to deprive me of my happiness, the pursuit of which is my unalienable right according to the Declaration of Independence. I therefore assert my patriotic prerogative not to know this material. I’ll be out on the playground. -Calivin*

If you’re good you’ll get assigned all the work. If you’re REALLY good you will get out of it.*

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R’s only one begins with an R.*

No Bonus This Christmas

 People who will not be getting a Christmas Bonus this year!

15. You write speeches for Rick Perry

14. You’re the son of Ruppert Murdock ~ James Murdock

13. Safety inspector at the Fukushima I Nuclear power Plant in Japan 

12. Body Guard for Osama bin Laden

11. You were an Egyptian Politician

10. You worked for News of the World, owned by News Corporation,which had been regularly hacking the phones of celebrities, royalty and public citizens.

9. You are an Italian Government Financial advisor.

8. A GOP DEBATE Moderator

7. You are an American Public School Teacher (So many politicians seem to want to destroy the           Public School system )

6. You worked for Anthony Weiner who resigned from Congress due to a sexting scandal.

5. You were Donald Trump’s campaign manager for his on again off again Presidential Bid.

4. You were a member of Penn State’s Football Public Relations Team

3. Muammar Gaddafi bodyguard.

2. You write the news for FOX News ~

2011 Study Finds Fox News Actually Makes People Dumber

1. You introduced Kim Kardashian to her ex husband, NBA player Kris Humphries 

 For 2012 No Bonus F or You 

Click Here:

http://www.e-forwards.com/2012/11/no-christmas-bonus-for-you-top-failures-of-2012/

Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer Facebook Fail!

*

Little Johnny and Work Appraisal

Little Johnny went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits (phone numbers).  The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation.

Little Johnny: ‘Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?

Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): ‘I already have someone to cut my lawn.’

Little Johnny: ‘Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now.’

Woman: ‘I’m very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.’

Little Johnny: (with more perseverance) : ‘Lady, I’ll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach , Florida.’

Woman: ‘No, thank you.’

With a smile on his face, Little Johnny replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.

Store Owner: ‘Son… I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job.’

Little Johnny: ‘No thanks.’

Store Owner: ‘But you were really pleading for one.’

Little Johnny: ‘No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the Job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!’

Let the Boss Go first!

A insurance sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I´ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She´s gone.

In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He´s gone.

“OK, you´re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

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