These useful quotes were reportedly taken from actual federal employee performance evaluations:
1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
2. “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”
3. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
4. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”
5. “Works well under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.”
6. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
7. “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
8. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
9. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
10. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
11. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”
12. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”
13. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
14. “He doesn’t have ulcers, he’s a carrier.”
15. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
16. “He’s been working with glue too much.”
17. “He would argue with a signpost.”
18. “He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”
19. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
20. “When his I.Q. reaches 50 we should sell.”
21. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
22. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
23. “A prime candidate for natural deselection.”
24. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
25. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
26. “Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”
27. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
28. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
29. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
30. “It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
31. “One neuron short of a synapse.”
32. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
33. “Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”
34. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”
funny emails
Continue reading about More Funny Job Evaluation Comments -Some of the Best!
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb toward the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result, all the monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another one of the original monkeys and replace it with a new one. The new comer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Likewise, replace a third original with a new one, then a fourth then a fifth.
Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they are not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know:
“THAT’S THE WAY IT’S ALWAYS BEEN DONE AROUND HERE”
And that, my friends, is how company policy begins…
Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors’ Law
If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb toward the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result, all the monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another one of the original monkeys and replace it with a new one. The new comer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Likewise, replace a third original with a new one, then a fourth then a fifth.
Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they are not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know:
“THAT’S THE WAY IT’S ALWAYS BEEN DONE AROUND HERE”
And that, my friends, is how company policy begins…
Jun
16
John on June 16th, 2010
Wow!
This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires..’ The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART…
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This true story won First Place in last year’s Criminal Lawyers Award contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA!
Continue reading about BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.
We are in trouble”¦
The population of the United States is approx. 310 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons
That leaves just two people to do the work
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your ass,
At your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.
Continue reading about We are in trouble – For our US Friends
What Is Your Long Term Goal?
“I’d like to have your job”
Continue reading about Number One all time Interview Mistake
Hahahaha how much !!?
“I’m not wanted in this state.”
“How many young women work here?”
“I didn’t steal it; I just borrowed it.”
“You touch somebody and they call it sexual harassment!”
“I’ve never heard such a stupid question.”
You look just like my old boss. I hated my old boss!
Have you got a light?
You want me to do WHAT!!?
Do you mind if I take my clothes off ?
Do you mind if I remain standing ?
Do you cover Viagra?
Continue reading about Funny things not to say in an Interview
From Ask Annie’s article about resume blunders:
- “an applicant ghosted a headshot as the background to her resume”
- Other Interests: “Playing with my two dogs (They actually belong to my wife but I love the dogs more than my wife)”.
- “One applicant used colored paper and drew glitter designs around the border”
- Hobbies: “getting drunk everynight down by the water, playing my guitar and smoking pot”
- Why Interested in Position: “to keep my parole officer from putting back me in jail”
- A woman had attached a picture of herself in a mini mouse costume
- Hobbies: “Drugs and girls”.
- Under “job related skills” – for a web designer – “can function without additional oxygen at 24,000 feet”.
- My sister-in-law misspelled the word “proofreading” in her skill set.
- The objective on one recent resume I received stated that the applicant wished to pursue a challenging account executive position with our rival firm.
- Objective: “career on the Information Supper Highway”
- Experience: “Stalking, shipping & receiving”
- “I am great with the pubic.”
- A candidate listed her e-mail address as pornstardelight@*****.com
- The applicant listed her name as Alice in the resume but wrote Alyce on the onsite application.
- One candidate’s electronic resume included links to her homepage, where the pictures were of her in the nude.
- “”¦sent out my resume on the back side of a draft of a cover letter to another firm”¦”
- “My duties included cleaning the restrooms and seating the customers.”
- One applicant for a nursing position noted that she didn’t like dealing with blood or needles.
- Achievements: “Nominated for prom queen”
- I once received a resume with a head and shoulders picture in the top left of the first page. The picture was of a lion’s head, wearing a coat, shirt, and tie.
- a resume”¦ was printed on the back of the person’s current employer’s letterhead.
- One resume that came across my desk stated how the individual had won a contest for building toothpick bridges in middle school.
- A resume”¦ had several grease stains and a smudge of chocolate on it
- Hobbies: “Having a good time”
Continue reading about What not to do in an Interview – Resume Blunders
What not not to do and What to Say in a Job Interview
Don’t look at your watch every 10 minutes.
Don’t play with things like a pen or a knickknack sitting on the interviewer’s desk.
Don’t get too comfortable.
Don’t promise to fix the company’s two years of losses and cure all the problems in the world.
Don’t assume that you have the job until it’s offered to you.
What to Say and do in a Job Interview
1. The art of listening
One of the first skills of a conversation is the art of listening.
2. When to speak
Keep in mind when to speak and when not to. This is doubly important when you are facing more than one interviewer.
3. The information you provide
Quality over quantity Concentration and focus are quite important.
4. Provide Facts
5. Relevancy
focus on relevancy.
6. A team player
Make it clear to the interviewers that you are a team player.
8. Future plans
9. Honest answers
Proof Read your resumeeee:
“Skills: Strong Work Ethic, Attention to Detail, Team Player, Self Motivated, Attention to Detail”
Woman who sent her résumé and cover letter without deleting someone else’s editing, including such comments as “I don’t think you want to say this about yourself here”
What not not to do in an Interview
Don’t chew gum.
Don’t drink before the interview (alcohol).
Don’t look at your watch every 10 minutes.
Don’t be late.
Don’t play with things like a pen or a knickknack sitting on the interviewer’s desk.
Don’t get too comfortable.
Don’t promise to fix the company’s two years of losses and cure all the problems in the world.
Don’t assume that you have the job until it’s offered to you.
What to Say and do in a Job Interview
1. The art of listening
One of the first skills of a conversation is the art of listening.
2. When to speak
Keep in mind when to speak and when not to. This is doubly important when you are facing more than one interviewer.
3. The information you provide
Quality over quantity Concentration and focus are quite important.
4. Provide Facts
5. Relevancy
focus on relevancy.
6. A team player
Make it clear to the interviewers that you are a team player.
8. Future plans
9. Honest answers
10 . Know your strengths
Proof Read your resumeeee:
Continue reading about What to do and not do in an Interview
