Office Humor

How do you get a job like that???

Judges select from hundreds of contestants vying for a spot in the Miss Universe. Beautiful women from over 80 countries and territories will compete for the title.

I bet there is more competition for the right to become a judge!

Office Humor – Have you ever wondered?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die.

First rule of acting: Whatever happens, look as if it were intended.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Of course I don’t look busy…..I did it right the first time!

Nobody notices what I do, until I don’t do it.

Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all!

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

In as much as the earth is 2/3 water and 1/3 land, it is clear that our time should be divided. 2/3 fishing and 1/3 work.

Quote from the Boss: I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.

The world is full of willing people — some willing to work and some willing to let them. -Robert Frost

There can’t be a crisis today, my schedule is already full.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

I don’t mind if you sleep in class. Only, please do not snore. You are disturbing others who are trying to sleep. -Dr. C. Rao, UW-Whitewater

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

Oh me oh my. A lovely day is dawning. Oh what a joy I didn’t wake up dead. So I can go to school and resume my yawning. And get my sleeping in class instead of in my bed.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

The Romans didn’t find algebra very challenging, because X was always 10.

No matter how many years pass teachers will always use the word obviously, without ever knowing what it means.

A morning without coffee is like something without something else.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Sorry – yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.

It’s a biiiig mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.

Sorry I’m late, I’ll leave early to make up for it.

There ought to be a better way to start the day than by getting up in the morning.

Two kinds of people: Those who finish what they start and…

Work fascinates me, I can look at it for hours!

“The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.” -Albert Einstein

“If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?” -Albert Einstein

If A equals success, then the formula is _A = X + Y + Z_. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. – Albert Einstein

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

The gradaute with the science degree asks ‘Why does it work?’ The graduate with an engineering degree asks ‘How does it work?’ The graduate with an accounting degree asks ‘How much will it cost?’ The graduate with an English degree asks ‘Would you like fries with that, Sir?’*

Conway’s Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on – This person must be fired.*

If ignorance is bliss, this lesson would appear to be a deliberate attempt on your part to deprive me of my happiness, the pursuit of which is my unalienable right according to the Declaration of Independence. I therefore assert my patriotic prerogative not to know this material. I’ll be out on the playground. -Calivin*

If you’re good you’ll get assigned all the work. If you’re REALLY good you will get out of it.*

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R’s only one begins with an R.*

No Bonus This Christmas

 People who will not be getting a Christmas Bonus this year!

15. You write speeches for Rick Perry

14. You’re the son of Ruppert Murdock ~ James Murdock

13. Safety inspector at the Fukushima I Nuclear power Plant in Japan 

12. Body Guard for Osama bin Laden

11. You were an Egyptian Politician

10. You worked for News of the World, owned by News Corporation,which had been regularly hacking the phones of celebrities, royalty and public citizens.

9. You are an Italian Government Financial advisor.

8. A GOP DEBATE Moderator

7. You are an American Public School Teacher (So many politicians seem to want to destroy the           Public School system )

6. You worked for Anthony Weiner who resigned from Congress due to a sexting scandal.

5. You were Donald Trump’s campaign manager for his on again off again Presidential Bid.

4. You were a member of Penn State’s Football Public Relations Team

3. Muammar Gaddafi bodyguard.

2. You write the news for FOX News ~

2011 Study Finds Fox News Actually Makes People Dumber

1. You introduced Kim Kardashian to her ex husband, NBA player Kris Humphries 

Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer Facebook Fail!

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Little Johnny and Work Appraisal

Little Johnny went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits (phone numbers).  The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation.

Little Johnny: ‘Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?

Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): ‘I already have someone to cut my lawn.’

Little Johnny: ‘Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now.’

Woman: ‘I’m very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.’

Little Johnny: (with more perseverance) : ‘Lady, I’ll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach , Florida.’

Woman: ‘No, thank you.’

With a smile on his face, Little Johnny replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.

Store Owner: ‘Son… I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job.’

Little Johnny: ‘No thanks.’

Store Owner: ‘But you were really pleading for one.’

Little Johnny: ‘No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the Job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!’

Let the Boss Go first!

A insurance sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I´ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She´s gone.

In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He´s gone.

“OK, you´re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

Worlds’d Easiest Quiz

WORLD’S EASIEST QUIZ

Dear God! Office Humor

Seconds till Death!

WARNING!

 

GRAPHIC BOATING  PHOTO.

THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN

WITH JUST SECONDS

LEFT TO  LIVE

(FRIGHTENING !)

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and that’s when the fight started…

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Click on the Following for more Ass Jokes

http://www.e-forwards.com/2011/03/womens-ass-size/

And more:

“And That’s When the Fight Started Jokes”

http://whenthefightstarted.blogspot.com/

WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU LEMONS..

MAKE YOUR KITTY A HELMET LIKE THIS GUY DID WITH A LIME!

Check out this site for more When Life Hands You Lemons:

http://whenlifehandsulemons.blogspot.com/

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