Within a month, having  smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a  claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer  stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires..’ The insurance  company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had  consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!  (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with  the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated  nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which  it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that  it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered  to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the  claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the  insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for  his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.

NOW   FOR THE BEST PART…

After the lawyer cashed the check, the  insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance  claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the  lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and  was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This true story  won First Place in last year’s Criminal Lawyers Award  contest.

ONLY IN   AMERICA!

The population of the United States is approx. 310 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama

Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city

Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons

That leaves just two people to do the work

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

What Is Your Long Term Goal?

“I’d like to have your job”

“I’m not wanted in this state.”

“How many young women work here?”

“I didn’t steal it; I just borrowed it.”

“You touch somebody and they call it sexual harassment!”

“I’ve never heard such a stupid question.”

You look just like my old boss. I hated my old boss!
Have you got a light?
You want me to do WHAT!!?
Do you mind if I take my clothes off ?
Do you mind if I remain standing ?

Do you cover Viagra?

1. “an applicant ghosted a headshot as the background to her resume”
2. Other Interests: “Playing with my two dogs (They actually belong to my wife but I love the dogs more than my wife)”.
3. “One applicant used colored paper and drew glitter designs around the border”
4. Hobbies: “getting drunk everynight down by the water, playing my guitar and smoking pot”
5. Why Interested in Position: “to keep my parole officer from putting back me in jail”
6. A woman had attached a picture of herself in a mini mouse costume
7. Hobbies: “Drugs and girls”.
8. Under “job related skills” – for a web designer – “can function without additional oxygen at 24,000 feet”.
9. My sister-in-law misspelled the word “proofreading” in her skill set.
10. The objective on one recent resume I received stated that the applicant wished to pursue a challenging account executive position with our rival firm.
11. Objective: “career on the Information Supper Highway”
12. Experience: “Stalking, shipping & receiving”
13. “I am great with the pubic.”
14. A candidate listed her e-mail address as pornstardelight@*****.com
15. The applicant listed her name as Alice in the resume but wrote Alyce on the onsite application.
16. One candidate’s electronic resume included links to her homepage, where the pictures were of her in the nude.
17. “…sent out my resume on the back side of a draft of a cover letter to another firm…”
18. “My duties included cleaning the restrooms and seating the customers.”
19. One applicant for a nursing position noted that she didn’t like dealing with blood or needles.
20. Achievements: “Nominated for prom queen”
21. I once received a resume with a head and shoulders picture in the top left of the first page. The picture was of a lion’s head, wearing a coat, shirt, and tie.
22. a resume… was printed on the back of the person’s current employer’s letterhead.
23. One resume that came across my desk stated how the individual had won a contest for building toothpick bridges in middle school.
24. A resume… had several grease stains and a smudge of chocolate on it
25. Hobbies: “Having a good time”

Workers at the Carlsberg brewery in Denmark are on strike after management handed down new rules about drinking on the job. Now, employees are allowed to drink beer only while at lunch:

The strike in Denmark followed the company’s April 1 decision to introduce new rules for employees on beer drinking at work, said Jens Bekke, spokesman at the world no.4 brewer.

“There has been free beer, water and soft drinks everywhere,” he said. “Yesterday, beers were removed from all refrigerators. The only place you can get a beer in future is in the canteen, at lunch.”

Bekke said drivers retained an old right to three beers per day outside lunch hours, and warehouse workers claimed the same right.

“Because of that, the warehouse staff went on strike yesterday, with other staff striking in sympathy,” he said.

I believe the strike ended by noon because the workers were thirsty!!!!!!!!

Drivers can have three beers per day outside lunch hours???????????????????

Maybe teachers should strike for free beer at lunch to help cope with the stress!

why teachers drink,  funny email forward

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

]]> http://www.e-forwards.com/2010/05/eager-to-impress-the-boss-office-humour/feed/ 0 http://www.e-forwards.com/2010/04/have-a-nice-day-not/ http://www.e-forwards.com/2010/04/have-a-nice-day-not/#comments Fri, 23 Apr 2010 10:35:30 +0000 John http://www.e-forwards.com/?p=4073