A GOLF STORY
A golf story:
Subject: 90 years old
Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every
day since his retirement 25
years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
“That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf.
My eyesight has gotten
so bad that once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea.
As they sit down, she says,
“Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”
“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother’s a hundred and three.
He can’t help.”
“He may be a hundred and three,” says the wife,
“but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing,
and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” replies the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”
They walk down the fairway a little ways,
then Arthur asks, ”Where did it go?”
“I don’t remember.”
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Dear Boss, I’m Resigning
Dear Boss
I’m resigning, effective immediate!
The reason for my resignation is that I cleaned my garage this morning before coming to work and realized I don’t feel like working anymore.
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BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.
Wow!
This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires..’ The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART…
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This true story won First Place in last year’s Criminal Lawyers Award contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA!
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Christmas Bonus Fail – 2011
Ten People who will not be getting a Christmas Bonus
No Bonus for you!
10. You work for Wikileaks
9. You’re an English professional footballer and your name is Robert Green
8. You are Bernie Madoff’s accountant
7. You are an American Civil Servant
6. You were a member of the England 2018 Bid Team that failed to bring the World Cup to England in 2018
5. You were Tiger Wood’s main Public Relations Guy
4. You forgot to tell Kim Kardashian to take off her glasses
3. You write speeches for Sarah Palin
2. You were Heidi Montag’s Financial Advisor
1. You’re Charlie Sheen
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You’ve Been Elfed – Let the Elfing Begin
NO PASS BACKS
Merry Christmas!
Life is all about asses.
You’re either covering it,
Laughing it off,
Kicking it,
Kissing it,
Busting it,
Trying to get a piece of it,
Or behaving like one.
That’s right, you’ve been ‘ elfed ‘.
Pass this on to as many people
as possible, but you can’t send it back to the
person who sent it to you.
He who elfs last, elfs loudest!!!!
Did you know that Santa’s elves are
sometimes called subordinate clauses?
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Math and Giving 101%
An interesting Mathematical Equation that explains how to get to the Top!
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 1 7 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L- S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certaintly that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, but it’s the Bullshit and Ass-kissing that will put you over the top!
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NO$$ – Unusual Letter from an Employee
One morning, a company CEO read an unusual letter from one of his employees:
Dear Bo\$\$,
A\$ all of u\$ have read in the new\$paper\$, the U\$ economy ha\$ come out of the rece\$\$ion.
In thi\$ life, we all need \$ome thing mo\$t de\$perately. I think you \$hould be under\$tanding of the need\$ of u\$ worker\$ who have given \$o much \$upport including \$weat and \$ervice to your company.
I am \$ure you will gue\$\$ what I mean and re\$pond \$oon.
Your\$ \$incerely,
Norman
The next day, the employee received this reply:
Dear NOrman,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as of yet.
NOw the newspapers are saying the world’s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager
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What’s In A Name
| The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.“John,” the new guy replied.The manager scowled, “Look…I don’t know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only…Smith, Jones, Baker …that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.” “Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is……”
|
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More Funny Job Evaluation Comments – Some of the Best!
These useful quotes were reportedly taken from actual federal employee performance evaluations:
1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
2. “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”
3. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
4. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”
5. “Works well under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.”
6. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
7. “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
8. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
9. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
10. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
11. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”
12. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”
13. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
14. “He doesn’t have ulcers, he’s a carrier.”
15. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
16. “He’s been working with glue too much.”
17. “He would argue with a signpost.”
18. “He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”
19. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
20. “When his I.Q. reaches 50 we should sell.”
21. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
22. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
23. “A prime candidate for natural deselection.”
24. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
25. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
26. “Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”
27. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
28. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
29. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
30. “It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
31. “One neuron short of a synapse.”
32. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
33. “Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”
34. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”
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11 Funny and Clever Excuses for Not Going to Work.
1. Gosh, er, I won’t be coming into work today. See, there was this Wild Turkey running about the house and he and some guy named Jim Beam kept taunting me. Then Old Grand Dad showed up. Well, by the time Jack Daniels came in, I really needed a bucket. So, er, who’s this again?
2. You need to call in and say that you are having trouble with your eyes, and when your boss asks what is wrong tell them that you just can’t see yourself coming in to work!
3. Hurt my back! MTV was running a Spice- girls marathon, and I had to lift my T.V. and throw it out of the window all by myself.
4. I wanted to come in but I had a severe case of Chronic Gravitational Disorder… couldn’t get my ass out of bed.
5. This one can only be used for not showing up or calling off on a Monday. I forgot to carry in the Sunday paper, so when I saw the paper there, I thought it was Sunday. By the time I realized it was Monday, it was too late, so I stayed home.
6. Call in and say that your Gonasyphaherpalaids is acting up and you can’t come in!
7. “Man, I TOLD my wife the chicken looked undercooked!”
8. Personal reasons. (Said in a concerned tone of voice – discourages any further questions, assuming your boss has even a grain of emotion.)
9. “I need a month off while I serve a 30 day sentence.”
10. Tell ‘em you have a temperature. (What employers and teachers don’t realize is that everyone has a temperature). Not a lie!!!
11. Maybe the best excuse ever:
“My suit got misplaced at the cleaners and you wouldn’t want me to come to work in the nude, would you?”
Bonus:
“I’m going to Occupy Wall Street to protest against rich bosses like you”
Honestly:
The major mistake people make when calling in is giving to much info. That is what gets them in trouble. Just call in and say you are not feeling well. There is no need to go into any more detail than that. No need to try and sound sick. Do not sound uncertain and do not say you will try to make it in later. Trust me Keep is short and simple. There is nothing they can do about it but give you a point on whatever system they use to track absent employees and it is almost impossible to get caught in a lie with a simple “I do not feel well”.
