John on January 6th, 2010



Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

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Mary had a little lamb.

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

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Jack and Jill went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

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Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the pie man,

‘What have you got there?’

Said the pie man unto Simon,

‘Pies, you dumb ass’ !!

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Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall..

All the kings’ horses,

And all the kings’ men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.

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Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,

All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to see such fun..

Then died of electric shock.

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Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.

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There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad……..

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

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Continue reading about These are not as I remember

John on December 29th, 2009

Dieting in January

‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I’d remember the marvellous meals I’d prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I’d never said, ‘No thank you, please.’

As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt – I said to myself, as I only can ‘You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!’

So – away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished ‘Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won’t have a cookie – not even a lick.
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore But isn’t that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Continue reading about Ode To The New Year

John on December 22nd, 2009

cat-in-the-hat-joke

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John on December 22nd, 2009

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Continue reading about Cat In The Hat – Another Drink Please

John on December 21st, 2009

Pondering old age

How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well, my get up and go has got up and went.
But in spite of it all I am able to grin
when I recall where my get up has been.

Old age is golden-so I’ve heard it said-
but sometimes I wonder when I get into bed,
with my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup,
my eyes on the table until I wake up.

Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself,
“Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?”
And I’m happy to say as I close my door,
my friends are the same, perhaps even more.

When I was young, my slippers were red,
I could pick up my heels right over my head.
When I grew older, my slippers were blue,
but still I could dance the whole night through.

But now I am old, my slippers are black,
I walk to the store and puff my way back.
The reason I know my youth is all spent,
my get up and go has got up and went.

But I really don’t mind when I think, with a grin,
of all the grand places my get up has been.
Since I have retired from life’s competition,
I accommodate myself with complete repetition.

I get up each morning, and dust off my wits,
pick up my paper and read the “obits”.
If my name is missing, I know I’m not dead,
so I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed

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John on December 20th, 2009

WINTER  Poem

It’s winter  in Canada
And  the gentle breezes blow
Seventy  miles an hour
At  thirty-five  below.

Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow’s up to your butt
You take a  breath of winter
And your  nose gets frozen  shut.

Yes, the  weather here is  wonderful
So I guess  I’ll hang around
I could  never leave Canada
Cuz I’m frozen to  the ground!

Have  a great day…

Continue reading about Canadian Winter