Best Man Jokes and One liners

Some of these best man speech one liners are as follows.

“I’ve always known (groom’s name) to have good taste in women and (bride’s name) just proves my point!”

“I have bad news for you buddy, your happy days are over!”

(best man fakes crying) “I’m going to miss you man!”

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a particular brand of beer exactly to his taste, he should at once throw in his job and go to work in the brewery – George Nathan

Here’s to the groom, a man who keeps his head though he loses his heart.

I had to make sure that (grooms name) day went according to plan,

so I took it upon myself to check (grooms name) post. I need to tell (grooms name) that the carpet people cannot supply your carpet this weekend, but you will get your underfelt tonight!

What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where none can say a bad word against him? Well, that’s enough about the best man. I’m here to talk about _____.

I can honestly say that in all the years I’ve known him, no one has ever questioned _____’s intelligence. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone even mention it.

_____’s very classy. When we had an evening of music and drink in his house recently, I asked whether he had any Rachmaninoff. Gary replied he didn’t have any vodka, only beer.

I tell the people that on a night of recent revelry I asked the groom what he wanted to get from his marrage. He said “Well, I want to be a model husband. I want to be a model citizen.

And I want to be a model lover!” Being a naive chap I looked up “model” in the dictionary. It said “A small miniature replica of the real thing!”

To ____ and _______, may all their ups and downs be between the sheets.

Here’s to _____ a helluva pal, every girls guy and every guys gal.

He’s a prince, he’s a topper, he’s the King of the dance.

And he frightens the horses when he takes down his pants.

It is a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a man’s to keep unmarried as long as he can – George Bernard Shaw

Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments – Shakespeare

His designs were strictly honourable, as the saying is; that is, to rob a lady of her fortune by way of marriage – Henry Fielding

A happy bridesmaid makes a happy bride – Tennyson

There was an old party of Lyme

Who married three wives at a time/

When asked “Why the third?”

‘He replied “One’s absurd/

And bigamy, sir, is a crime!” – Cosmo Monkhouse (19c.)

It seemed to me pretty plain, that they had more of love than matrimony in them – Oliver Goldsmith (18c.)

If you’re having a hard time thinking up some good material you can use, you can use quotes as one liners from celebrities or historically famous people, such as:

1. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards.” -Benjamin Franklin 

2. “Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.” -Martin Luther 

3. “Marriage isn’t a word… it’s a sentence.” -Unknown Author 

4. “In order to be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.” -Unknown Author 

5. “Here’s to matrimony, the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented!” -Heinrich Heine

6. I am married and in my house I’m the boss I just allow my wife to be the decision maker.  Woody Allen

7. I have no problem with my wife having the last word, I am just delighted when she gets to it.  Walter Matthau

8. I love being married, it is great to find that one special person to annoy for the rest of your life.  Rita Rudner

9. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.  Groucho Marx

10. If you want to read about love and marriage then you need to buy two separate books.  Alan King

11. Marriage – a word that should be pronounced “mirage”.  Herbert Spencer

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)

Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.  (Socrates)

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. (Evan Esar)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ‘There’s water in the carburetor’. I said, ‘Where’s the car?’ She said, ‘In the lake’. (Henny Youngman)

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)

All marriages are mixed marriages. (Chantal Saperstein)

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

If you are making a wedding toast, here are ideas to get your creative juices flowing.  In fact, if you don’t have to make a wedding toast then you can really let your imagination run wild.

• To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage – Lao Tzu

• Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction – Antoine de Saint-Exupery

• Love is friendship set to music – Anonymous

• They do not love that do not show their love – William Shakespeare

• Love is life – Leo Tolstoy

• Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination – Voltaire

• May your love be like the misty rain, gentle coming in but flooding the river – Traditional African proverb

• Insomuch as love grows in you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul – St. Augustine

• Marriage is like a golden ring in a chain, whose beginning is a glance and whose ending is eternity – Kahlil Gibran

• We never live so intensely as when we love strongly. We never realize ourselves so vividly as when we are in full glow of love for others – Walter Rauschenbusch

• Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same – Emily Bronte

• There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved – Georges Sand

• Without love, the world itself would not survive – Lope de Vega

• When love reigns, the impossible may be attained – Indian proverb

1. A married couple were driving along one day in the country. They had just had an argument, and now they were both being stubbornly quiet. They passed by a farm where goats, pigs, and

jackasses stood in the barnyard. The husband snorts, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the wife answered, “my in-laws.”

2. “Dear, I invited a friend of mine over for dinner tonight.”

“What?” the exasperated wife answers him. “Are you nuts? The house is a mess, I didn’t go grocery shopping, the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking!”

“I know,” replies the husband calmly. “That’s why I invited him. The poor guy’s thinking about getting married.”

3. “Congratulations!” said the prospective groom’s father to his son. “I’m sure you’ll remember today as being the happiest day of your life.”

“But I’m not getting married until tomorrow,” replied the son.

“That’s exactly what I mean.”

Or, you can use a tasteful short poem or a limerick in the speech you give the couple at their wedding reception.

Here’s a favorite poem you can add to your speech:

“Today you married your best friend,

The woman you have laughed with as you share life’s wondrous zest,

As you find new joys and experience all that’s best.

The one you live for because the world seems brighter,

As your happy times are better and your burdens feel much lighter.

The one woman you love with every fiber of your soul.

Once you were incomplete; now together, you are whole.”

-Author Unknown

1. A married couple were driving along one day in the country. They had just had an argument, and now they were both being stubbornly quiet. They passed by a farm where goats, pigs, and jackasses stood in the barnyard. The husband snorts, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the wife answered, “my in-laws.”

2. “Dear, I invited a friend of mine over for dinner tonight.”

“What?” the exasperated wife answers him. “Are you nuts? The house is a mess, I didn’t go grocery shopping, the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking!”

“I know,” replies the husband calmly. “That’s why I invited him. The poor guy’s thinking about getting married.”

3. “Congratulations!” said the prospective groom’s father to his son. “I’m sure you’ll remember today as being the happiest day of your life.”  ”But I’m not getting married until tomorrow,” replied the son. “That’s exactly what I mean.”

Or, you can use a tasteful short poem or a limerick in the speech you give the couple at their wedding reception.

Here’s a favorite poem you can add to your speech:

“Today you married your best friend,

The woman you have laughed with as you share life’s wondrous zest,

As you find new joys and experience all that’s best.

The one you live for because the world seems brighter,

As your happy times are better and your burdens feel much lighter.

The one woman you love with every fiber of your soul.

Once you were incomplete; now together, you are whole.”

-Author Unknown

Some of the best Openings for the Best Man

1

Ladies and gentleman, I’m Jason and I have the pleasure of being here today as best man. I’d like to start by thanking Paul for his kind words, on behalf of the bridesmaids, Emma and Susan. Their handling of a particularly highly-strung bride impressed me. I’d also like to thank Paul for building your expectation of my speech to a level I cannot possibly hope to achieve.

2

Let me start by saying that I’m not very good at this sort of thing, so I request that you don’t judge my performance as best man today solely on the basis of this speech. For one, I’d like you to consider the expert way I produced the rings in church this morning. And I also deserve some best man credits for tracking Paul down when he disappeared last night – with so many train spotting opportunities in the area, it wasn’t easy.

3

Ladies and gentleman, I won’t take long over this speech. I struck a same-day discount deal with Moss Bross and this suit has to be back in 20 minutes.

4

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen – I’ve been feeling quite nervous about giving this speech for some time. But I’m pleased to say last night I slept like a baby – I woke up every two hours, crying my eyes out.

5

Thank you for those kind words, Paul. But why are you looking so nervous? Believe me, I’m not stood up here to make you look like a fool. Why should I take all the credit when you’ve just made that speech yourself?

6

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen – I’m not an experienced public speaker, so I find it easier just to read the speech word for word. In fact, I’ve practised it almost daily for about a week and a half now, so that I know it very well. It’s a tip that I read in a book about public speaking. I’ve also been drinking profusely over the last two hours. I made that tip up myself.

7

First of all, ladies and gentlemen, let me thank Linda’s parents for their hospitality today. That really was a splendid meal, although being rather nervous about this speech, I think mine should just be hitting East Berkshire sewers round about … now.

8

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Jason and I’m Paul’s ‘little’ brother. I would just like to confirm, particularly to the bridesmaids, that it refers to our age difference, and no physical characteristics.

9

Ladies and gentlemen, I have decided to keep this speech as short as I can, so at least if you don’t find it funny you can compliment me on its length.

10 Just before I start … [yawn]. Sorry, at midnight last night, Paul insisted on one final trip to the Golden Triangle massage parlour. I waited in the car for him, but it was still a late night. 11 Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Jason. I feel like I’m slightly on trial today, because Paul said that if I do a good job here, I can be best man at his next wedding as well. 12 Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. My name is Jason, Paul’s older brother and Best Man for the day. Paul didn’t choose me in the traditional way, actually me and our other brother Sean drew straws… but just because I’m stood up here don’t for one minute think I was the winner. 13 Hello, Ladies and Gentlemen. I’m very disappointed at the moment, but I hope it doesn’t show. It’s just that this is the first time Paul has ever paid for my dinner, and I’ve been too nervous to eat anything. 14 Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen – Let me first say that the bridesmaids look absolutely smashing today, and only rightly outshone by our bride, Linda. And, I’m sure you’ll agree with me gentlemen, today is a sad day for single men, as another beauty leaves the available list. And ladies, I’m sure you’ll agree that today’s passing by without much of a ripple. 15 Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. I must inform you that I’ve had quite a heavy night and I’m still feeling a little fragile. So please spare a thought and try not to clap too loudly during my speech because I’ve got a dreadful hangover and a splitting headache. You’d think I’d know better than to be out drinking in the early hours of the morning the night before a big wedding – but Paul’s a mate and he needed some company. 16 Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen – Before I start, let me just say that the formative years I spent in the company of the groom means that he had as much of a part in developing my sense of humour as anyone. So, although I have tried to make this speech as funny as possible, please blame Paul if it’s not. 17 On behalf of the bridesmaids, I’d like to start by thanking Paul for his kind words. I’m sure everyone agrees that they look wonderful and have performed their duties splendidly. It can’t have been easy dragging Linda to the church – it certainly wasn’t easy dragging Paul. 18 Firstly, I would like to thank Paul for his kind words on behalf of the bridesmaids – who I am sure you will all agree look absolutely gorgeous and have carried out their duties of ensuring the bride arrives here on time and cured of all her wedding day nerves. Out of interest, how many vodka and cokes did it take? 19 Let me introduce myself, I’m Jason. Paul actually asked me to be his best man about 6 months ago when we were in the pub. But I never received a formal invitation to the wedding, so I just hope I haven’t eaten a meal meant for someone else. In fact, I’m sure it was such a simple oversight – or more likely, Paul trying to save the cost of a stamp.

A married couple are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks
up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. “What do you think you’re
doing?” asks the wife.

“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.

“Put them back! We can’t afford them,” orders the wife.

They carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts
it in the basket.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.

“Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, “So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it’s half the price.”

Marvin (Maxine’s husband) “I like that joke!”

Maxine is a comic character featured on Hallmark greeting cards and other products. She first appeared on greeting cards when Hallmark launched the Shoebox line of cards in 1986. Hallmark artist John Wagner created the character. She is known for her cantankerous and cynical attitude.

Maxine currently has two books published by Hallmark: It’s Not Menopause … I’m Just Like This and her newest book, And Another Thing: Maxine on Life, Love, and Losers, which was released fall 2007. Maxine.com offers more than 20 free e-cards featuring Maxine and her dog, Floyd. Maxine will celebrate her 25th anniversary in 2011.

John Wagner, Hallmark artist since 1970, says Maxine was inspired by his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother, the woman who bought him art lessons when ‘fill in the pumpkins’ was about the extent of his art classes at St. John’s Catholic School in Leonia N.J.

She also makes you think – and makes you want to say, ‘So what?’ to what the world thinks.

Maxine’s cartoons would be some of the most eagerly awaited ones in over one hundred newspapers. Online, you can find her daily dose of crabbiness here.

Her husband, Marvin, has also become very popular and a great target for Maxine.

The wisdom of Maxine:

“Aging” – “Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita.”

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee… You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ‘Tell me what you see.’

‘Carrots, eggs, and coffee,’ she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it.. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked,‘What does it mean, mother?’

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

‘Which are you?’ she asked her daughter. ‘When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end, you’re the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

You might want to send this message to those people who mean something to you; to those who have touched your life in one way or another; to those who make you smile when you really need it; to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down; to those whose friendship you appreciate; to those who are so meaningful in your life.

May we all be COFFEE!!!!!!!

Loved her performance at the 2010 Winter Olympics, Vancouver Canada.

Free Hugs in Sondrio, Italy

This CLIO award winning commercial shows an interesting and hilarious perspective on sibling rivalry.

funny commercial, funny email forward

A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, with our pre-nup. If we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Moishe?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replie

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says

she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, with our pre-nup. If we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Tom?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replied.

funny email forward, cute story

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.” Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me. “Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my neck.” Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. “Where are you going?” she asked. “To get my teeth!”

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was ‘Information Please’ and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anyone’s number and the correct time.

I loved this story and just had to pass it on. I hope you enjoy it and get a blessing from it just as I did.

Lyrics Artist: Harry Chapin

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin’ ‘fore I knew it, and as he grew
He’d say “I’m gonna be like you dad
You know I’m gonna be like you”

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin’ home dad?
I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son
You know we’ll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, “Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let’s play
Can you teach me to throw”, I said “Not today
I got a lot to do”, he said, “That’s ok”
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, “I’m gonna be like him, yeah
You know I’m gonna be like him”

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin’ home son?
I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son
You know we’ll have a good time then

Well, he came home from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
“Son, I’m proud of you, can you sit for a while?”
He shook his head and said with a smile
“What I’d really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?”

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin’ home son?
I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son
You know we’ll have a good time then

I’ve long since retired, my son’s moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, “I’d like to see you if you don’t mind”
He said, “I’d love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job’s a hassle and kids have the flu
But it’s sure nice talking to you, Dad
It’s been sure nice talking to you”

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He’d grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin’ home son?
I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son
You know we’ll have a good time then

Harry Chapin Cats in the Cradle (Soundstage)