Religous

Papal Things Benedict Gives Up In Retirement

When asked what he thought about Pope Benedict’s retirement, George W. Bush replied. ” I think he just wants to spend more time with his wife and kids.”

Benedict is only the second pope to resign in the Church’s 2,000-year history, and in his final hours as pope on Thursday he took the unprecedented step of pledging allegiance to his successor.

Some of the Top Papal Things Benedict must give up are:

Red Shoes  

(Oh no, not the Red Shoes)

The Vatican also announced on Thursday that Benedict will no longer wear the red shoes traditionally worn by popes, which is said to symbolize the blood of the martyrs.

Instead, he will wear a pair of hand-cobbled brown loafers presented to him during a 2012 visit to Mexico.

Papal Ring

One of the most important ceremonial items Benedict will have to part with is his papal ring, which is also called the fisherman’s ring.

The gold ring, which bears an image of St. Peter and the current pope’s name, is used as a papal seal and is always destroyed at the end of a papacy, usually when the office-holder dies.

 The seal is scratched but not destroyed. Pope Benedict’s signet ring will be destroyed using a special silver papal hammer to ensure documents it was used to sign will not be forged

The ring is destroyed for two reasons:
1) as a holdover from medieval traditions of sealing wax in order to legitimize a document against forgery, the papal ring was destroyed so that no extras would ever be available to create forged documents (generally of heresies) and present them as official teachings of the Pope.
2) The power of EACH pope is vested in the fact that they are the successor of St Peter, the first bishop of Rome and a fisherman. Each pope’s succession is marked, therefore, by the possession of a unique fisherman’s ring, which is presented upon apointment to the papacy and destroyed upon death or in this case early retirement.

No More Swiss Guards

The Swiss Guards will leave their posts at Castel Gandolfo, having completed their official duty to protect the pope.

His Titles

The Pope’s official titles are: Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God

The ex-pontiff will formally carry the new title of “Roman Pontiff Emeritus” or “pope emeritus” for short, although he will still be addressed as “Your Holiness Benedict XVI”.

The Vatican has said he can still wear the white papal cassock but without the doubled shoulder cape.

Most importantly, his

Papal Twitter Account

According to Vatican Radio, Benedict’s Twitter account @Pontifex will be inactive during the interim period between the papal resignation and the election of a successor during the papal conclave, a period known as sede vacante.

The account, along with its eight companion accounts in different languages, has almost three million followers although Benedict has only tweeted 38 times since its debut in December.

The Twitter account is one of the few things that the Pope and the Catholic Church has adopted that isn’t from Medieval  times!

Vatican Palace  ~ not really

 Benedict flew by helicopter after his official resignation to the papal summer home at Castel Gandolfo, about 25 kilometres south of Rome.

Could have taken the bus and donated the money saved to a worthy charity (or to help with the lawyer fees for all the scandals)

However, the move is only temporary while renovations are completed to a monastery inside the Vatican where he will ultimately live.

The building is only a few hundred metres from Palace of Sixtus, the official residence of the pope and where Benedict’s successor will live.

Accountability

He’ll also gives up any accountability to the scandals that has plagued his reign.

The U.S.-based Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests, or SNAP, announced on the same day the Pope “retired” that it has submitted a report to the United Nations Committee on the Rights of the Child, blasting the Vatican’s handling of the “ongoing worldwide sex abuse crisis in the Catholic Church.”

“The Vatican said that as soon as the Pope resigns, he will no longer be infallible. The Vatican said it’s the same thing that happened to Oprah.” –Conan O’Brien

His Pointy Hat

“Pope Benedict is quitting. That’s a tall hat to fill.” –David Letterman

PopeMobile  

Popemobile based on a Mercedes-M-Class SUV  ~delivered in December 2012

Pope Benedict’s Retirement Jokes and Funny one liners

“Tomorrow is the first day of Lent, when Catholics begin fasting for 40 days. Some Catholics will give up chocolate, some Catholics will give up alcohol, and one Catholic is giving up ‘being Pope.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Pope is resigning. I just hope it’s not steroids.” –Jay Leno

“Today, Pope Benedict surprised everyone and announced that he is stepping down at the end of the month. Or as God put it, ‘Well, at least he gave me two weeks’ notice.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“Pope Benedict is resigning. And you know what that means: Hillary in 2013?” –Jimmy Fallon

“The Pope said he was stepping down at age 85 because he could no longer handle the job physically. To which Lance Armstrong said, ‘I’ve got some stuff that can help you with that.’” –Jay Leno

“The Pope said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner is going to be 87 and he just married a 26-year-old. So much for that celibate lifestyle!” –Jay Leno “Pope Benedict announced he’s retiring. This is a pretty dramatic change. It means he will go from wearing a robe all day to wearing a robe all day.” –Conan O’Brien

“The Pope will be replaced, of course. When one Pope goes, another one popes up in his place.” –Craig Ferguson

Will there be a Roast for Pope Benedict’s retirement Party??

A PROUD CANADIAN JOKE

A photographer on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call’.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw inOrlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

‘O.K., thank you,’ said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same ‘$10,000 per call’ sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read ’50 cents per call.’

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. ‘Father, I’ve travelled all over America and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in the US the price was$10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?’

The priest smiled and answered, ‘You’re in Canada now, son … it’s a local call.’

KEEP SMILING

If you are proud to be a Canadian pass this on!

AND IF YOU ARE A PROUD AMERICAN

WHO CAN TAKE A JOKE,

YOU MAY PASS THIS ON TOO!

GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS, GRANDCHILDREN!)

To those of us who have children in our lives,  Whether they are our own, grandchildren,  Nieces, nephews, or students…  Here is something to make you chuckle.  Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was ‘DON’T! ‘ ‘Don’t what ?’ Adam replied. ‘Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.’ God said. ‘Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit! ’ ‘ No Way ! ‘ ‘Yes way! ‘ ‘Do NOT eat the fruit! ’ said God. ‘Why? ’ ‘Because I am your Father and I said so! ‘ God replied, wondering Why He hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children Having an apple break and He was ticked ! ‘Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit? ’ God asked.   ‘Uh huh,’ Adam replied. ‘Then why did you? ‘ said the Father. ‘I don’t know,’ said Eve. ‘She started it! ’ Adam said. ‘Did not ! ’ ‘Did too! ’ ‘DID NOT! ’ Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom And they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think It would be a piece of cake for you ? THINGS TO THINK ABOUT ! 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. 2. Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children. 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat Word for word what you shouldn’t have said. 5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties Is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in. ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids.. They will choose your nursing home one day! AND FINALLY:  IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:  ‘TAKE TWO ASPIRIN’ AND ‘KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN’!!!!!  Quick, send this on to ten people within the next five minutes. Nothing will happen if you don’t, but if you do, Ten people will be laughing!!

 

When is Easter 2012?

Easter in Canada is celebrated at the same time and in much the same way as it is in other Western countries, like the U.S.

In 2012, Good Friday, falls on April 6, Easter Sunday, is April 8 and Easter Monday is April 9.

Easter Sunday is the Sunday immediately following the first full moon after the vernal (spring) equinox. It can fall anywhere between March 22 and April 25.

April 8 Easter Sunday

What are you giving up for LENT?

Giving up not reading about Jeremy Lin and Linsanity and I will even go so far as giving up Lin puns for LINT

Giving up looking at Google +

My slice in golf.

Hate to do this but I’m giving up on exercise.

Giving up salads for Lent, NOT Chocolate, Not Ice Cream, Not Beer.

My debt.

My frustration

I get the whole sacrifice aspect of Lent, but I don’t think God wants me to be miserable. So there’s no way I’m giving up booze.

My approval.

My wife. Please take my wife.

Giving up on All GOP candidates.

After much thought, I’m giving up GUILT!

A Catholic fellow and a Jewish fellow were discussing their religious traditions, specifically atonement and sacrifice, Yom Kippur versus Lent. The Jewish fellow asked the Catholic fellow what he’d given up for Lent that year.

The Catholic fellow said, “This year, my wife and I agreed to make the ultimate sacrifice—we gave up sex.”

“Wow!” said the Jewish fellow, “How did it go?”

“The first week, we felt pretty good and holy about it,” replied the Catholic fellow. “The second week was really hard, and by the third week—well, we didn’t make it. One morning, my wife bent over to pick up a grapefruit that had rolled onto the floor, and that was it. Right then and there.”

“Sounds serious,” said the Jewish fellow. “Can you go back to church after something like that?”

“Oh, there’s no problem going back to church,” answered the Catholic fellow. “But I don’t think we’ll be returning to that particular Safeway.”

Any one else giving up snow?

Rules For Ash Wednesday

Are these allowed? Are they considered a snack? Could you classify them as a meal?

This Lent stuff is so confusing.

Paczki

Catholics between the ages of 18 and 59 are required to fast on Ash Wednesday, as well as Good Friday, but this does not mean no food at all.

U.S. bishops define fasting as eating only one full meal the entire day and two smaller portions of food during breakfast and lunch time, that combined wouldn’t equal a full meal, if necessary. There is to be no snacking in between meals.

All Catholics 14 years old and older must completely abstain from meat on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday, as well as all the Fridays of Lent.

Eggs, milk products, meat juices, gravies and animal fats are allowed to be consumed, just not the meat itself.

Ash Wednesday Jokes

Little Johnny’s father was trying to explain to Little Johnny and his sister why we have Ash Wednesday and how the pastor puts ashes on people’s foreheads. Little Johnny’s sister began wondering what she should give up for Lent when Little Johnny announced, “I think I’ll give up Ash Wednesday.”

**

This blond got married on Ash Wednesday. On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, “Because it’s Lent.” Almost in tears, she remarked, “Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to and for how long?”

************

A Catholic fellow and a Jewish fellow were discussing their religious traditions, specifically atonement and sacrifice, Yom Kippur versus Lent. The Jewish fellow asked the Catholic fellow what he’d given up for Lent that year.

The Catholic fellow said, “This year, my wife and I agreed to make the ultimate sacrifice—we gave up sex.”

“Wow!” said the Jewish fellow, “How did it go?”

“The first week, we felt pretty good and holy about it,” replied the Catholic fellow. “The second week was really hard, and by the third week—well, we didn’t make it. One morning, my wife bent over to pick up a grapefruit that had rolled onto the floor, and that was it. Right then and there.”

“Sounds serious,” said the Jewish fellow. “Can you go back to church after something like that?”

“Oh, there’s no problem going back to church,” answered the Catholic fellow. “But I don’t think we’ll be returning to that particular Safeway.”

****************

After receiving ashes on his forehead on Ash Wednesday, Little Johnny asked his dad what they were. Before his dad could answer, his 8-year-old sister told him that some people are buried after they die and some people are burned and that makes ashes.

Little Johnny exclaimed, “Then who is on my forehead?”

*********

‘Glad we’re not Catholic!’

Tim Tebow for President

The latest American Research Group poll released Friday shows Romney in the lead with 29 percent support among likely South Carolina Republican voters, over Gingrich’s 25 percent. Among evangelicals surveyed, Gingrich leads with 40 percent, followed by Perry (15 percent), Romney (13 percent), and Santorum (12 percent).

However, if Tim Tebow decided to run for President,

(now that he has time)

the Republican Poll would look like this:

Tim Tebow 94%

Mickey Mouse 3%

Stephen Colbert 2%

Romney, Gingrich Perry and Santorum 1%

Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow takes his helmet off following an NFL divisional playoff football game against the New England Patriots Saturday, Jan. 14, 2012, in Foxborough, Mass.

The Patriots defeated the Broncos 45-10.

Why not Tebow? 

At least we can trust him, I think!

The American Political Silly Season Continues…

TEBOW TIME ~ Religion and Sports

RELIGION, SPORTS AND POLITICS  ~ the most popular topics in America! This is especially true during the silly season of American politics and NFL Playoffs.

Was God on Tim Tebow’s side

in the land of the Patriots Saturday

when his team took on New England in the NFC playoffs?

Apparently not!

Tebow needed more than a few

 Immaculate Receptions

if he was going to defeat the Patriots

The game between the Denver Brocos and the New England Patriots is likely to be the most-watched NFL playoff contest in history, as America’s choir boy Tim Tebow faced Tom Brady, the playboy powerhouse.

UPDATE:

Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow takes his helmet off following an NFL divisional playoff football game against the New England Patriots Saturday, Jan. 14, 2012, in Foxborough, Mass.

The Patriots defeated the Broncos 45-10. 

Tim Tebow ~ favourite Bible passage is John 3:16,

threw for 316 yards,

31.6 yards per pass and

had an overtime with a TV rating of 31.6

“When we place our dependence in God, we are unencumbered, and we have no worry. . . .This confidence, this sureness of action, is both contagious and an aid to the perfect action. The rest is in the hands of God — and this is the same God, gentlemen, who has won all of His battles up to now.” VINCE LOMBARDI 1964

Commenting on athletes and religious displays a few year ago: “It’s just plain silly,” said Dan Barker, 55, a minister turned atheist, and a spokesman for the 5,300-member Freedom from Religion Foundation. “When you throw a football and you pray, do the laws of nature change? Does the elliptical curve of the ball through the air suddenly swerve, or what? Is God blessing you for winning and is God cursing the other team for losing? Just the arrogance of that; it’s one thing to be happy and thankful, but to put it on religion, it’s so uncivil, because everybody has different religions.”

If you are a deeply religious football player (or any athlete) and your team loses, do you say, “Thank you, lord, for letting us lose.”?

I believe Tebow may be an exceptional person, but I don’t believe God wants him to win more than he does any other athlete. But it’s an argument that can never be won.

Tim Tebow ~ one of the most fascinating Modern Day Americans!

Tim Tebow ~ the most popular athlete in America

Tim Tebow ~ lots of time to try to improve in the off season

Tim Tebow ~ should be a GOP / Republican Candidate!

Judgment Day ~ Curtis and Leroy

Dear Curtis,

I know that I will be one of the chosen ones and be let into heaven on Judgment Day (whenever that is). Could be December 21, 2012??

I’m sorry to hear you ain’t comin’ along.  You’re a good guy but you voted for George Bush – twice.

Since you are my best friend, I’m leaving all my valuable possessions to you.

Please take care of my dog, Sam and my pig, Sammy. I know Sam likes you and he didn’t mean to bite you when you looked after him last time.

You can have my still. I drank all the moonshine that we made last spring. I didn’t think they’d let me bring it with me.

I’ll also let you have my car. See if you can get it to work.

I’m keeping my rifle and I’ll try to sneak it in. You never know what to expect!

That’s about all I have. Oh ya! You can have my wife, too. She likes those GOP fellows, so I reckon she won’t be invited to heaven either.

Good luck (You’ll need it!),

Leroy,

One of The Saved, Praise the Lord!

PS

Just in case those Mayan Predictions are not true and that Camping fella is wrong (again ), can I please have Sam and Sammy back?

How to be popular on the Internet. Be a jerk!

It has been known for some time that internet users are overwhelmingly attracted to the negative.

Writing about, religion and politics

are two of the top subjects that will

generate the most interest and

unite or divide a crowd.

Let’s see if this works.

1. The Tea Party is made up of religious fanatics!

2. The American political system seems to be a farce. The way the leader of the GOP is chosen is an incredible waste of time and money. The silly season of parading a bunch of clowns around the nation is only good for late night comedy writers.

Famous Quotes about Religion and Politics

“My uncle often played the devil’s advocate just to get a rise out of somebody, but was extremely giving, passionate about everything — what he was reading, religion, what he was doing, politics.” Mary Weaver

The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.
- Mark Twain in Eruption

I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man’s reasoning powers are not above the monkey’s.
- Mark Twain in Eruption

Man is kind enough when he is not excited by religion.
- Mark Twain ~ A Horse’s Tale

“When religion and politics travel in the same cart, the riders believe nothing can stand in their way.” Frank Herbert

The religion of the future will be a cosmic religion. It should transcend personal God and avoid dogma and theology. Covering both the natural and the spiritual, it should be based on a religious sense arising from the experience of all things natural and spiritual as a meaningful unity. Buddhism answers this description. If there is any religion that could cope with modern scientific needs it would be Buddhism. (Albert Einstein)

“I read about an Eskimo hunter who asked the local missionary priest: ‘If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?‘ ‘No‘, said the priest, ‘not if you did not know‘. ‘Then why‘, asked the Eskimo earnestly, ‘did you tell me?‘.”    — Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, 1974.