Sex and Old Age Humour

Romance and Old Age

I wonder if Romance and Old Age will really be like this?

An older couple were lying in bed. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood, and she wanted to talk.

She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my neck.”

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. “Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”

Life As A Senior Can Be Fun

How Do You Know When You Are Old

Pondering Old Oge

How do I know that my youth is all spent?

Well, my get up and go has got up and went.

But in spite of it all I am able to grin

when I recall where my get up has been.

Old age is golden-so I’ve heard it said-

but sometimes I wonder when I get into bed,

with my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup,

my eyes on the table until I wake up.

Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself,

“Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?”

And I’m happy to say as I close my door,

my friends are the same, perhaps even more.

When I was young, my slippers were red,

I could pick up my heels right over my head.

When I grew older, my slippers were blue,

but still I could dance the whole night through.

But now I am old, my slippers are black,

I walk to the store and puff my way back.

The reason I know my youth is all spent,

my get up and go has got up and went.

But I really don’t mind when I think, with a grin,

of all the grand places my get up has been.

Since I have retired from life’s competition,

I accommodate myself with complete repetition.

I get up each morning, and dust off my wits,

pick up my paper and read the “obits”.

If my name is missing, I know I’m not dead,

so I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

A Scam Warning for Older Men

 Have you been a victim of this scam, yet???

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall
and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen
for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it.

A “heads up” for those men who may be regular customers at Sam’s,
Lowe’s, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart.

This one caught me totally by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.

Here’s how the scam works: Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will
come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into
your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and
Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy
T-shirts. (It’s impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer
them a tip, they say “No” but instead ask for a ride to McDonald’s.

You agree, and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you,

while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th, & 29th. Also June 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd,
26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take
advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones
for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald’s. I’ve already lost 11 pounds
just running back and forth from Lowe’s, to Home Depot, to Costco, etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn
them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just
before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

How to tell if a man hasn’t had sex in a while!

Golf Is Better Than Sex … Top 10 Reasons

 Golf will be an Olympic sport in the 2016 games in Brazil.

Now I know why it is so popular!

#10. A below par performance is considered damn good.


#9.  You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.


#8.  It’s much easier to find the sweet  spot.

#7.  Foursomes are encouraged.

#6.  You can still make money doing it as a  senior.

#5.  Three times a day IS possible.

#4.  Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play  with someone else.

#3. If you live in Florida,  you can do it almost everyday.

#2. You  don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re  finished.

And the number one reason why golf is better than sex…

#1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!

YES!!!

Golf Humor ~ My Wife Won’t Like it!

                                           

Curtis and Leroy decided to try golfing. After just a few holes, Leroy’s cart accidentally overturned. Curtis drove his cart to get help.

Elizabeth, a “beautiful” real golfer who lived in a villa on the
golf course heard the noise and yelled over to Leroy.

“Hey, are you okay, what’s your name?”
“Leroy,” he replied.

“Leroy, forget your troubles. Come to my villa,
rest up and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” Leroy answered,
“but I don’t think my wife would like it.”

“Aw come on,” Elizabeth insisted.

 

She was very pretty and persuasive.

Pole Dancing Fail (or Government Fail?)

In light of our “LEADERS” considering changing retirement age to 67, I couldn’t resist passing this along!

A Conversation in Heaven ~ How did you die?

How’d you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn’t so bad.

After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. 
What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack. 
I suspected that my husband was cheating, 
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.

Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

Husband Wife Funny Fight