Sex and Old Age Humour

Romance For Seniors on Valentine’s Day

An older couple were lying in bed on Valentine’s Day. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood, brought on by the fact that it was Valentine’s Day, and wanted to talk. She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.” Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me. “Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my neck.” Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. “Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”

Little Old Lady Having Fun

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you’re going to smile when you  think of this: A dentist noticed that his next patient,  a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. ‘Do you know  how they make these gloves?’ he asked. ‘No, I don’t,’  she replied. ‘Well,’ he spoofed, ‘there’s a building in  Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand  sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them  dry,  then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.’ She didn’t crack a  smile. ‘Oh, well. I tried,’ he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. ‘What’s so funny?’ he asked. ‘I was just envisioning how condoms are made!’ (Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)  Be afraid of old ladies! Be very afraid! They have been there and done that!

Are feeling Frisky?

Two married friends are out drinking.
One says to the other: “I can never sneak into the house after I’ve been drinking. I’ve tried everything. I turn the headlights off before I go up the drive. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off and creep upstairs. I get undressed in the bathroom. I do everything, but then my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out late.”

His friend replies: “Do what I do. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap my wife’s bottom and say, “Are you feeling frisky?” She always pretends she’s asleep.”

Getting Old is Not Easy!

ANOTHER SENIOR MOMENT
Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn’t do something useful with my time.
She suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a
parachute club.

She said “Are you nuts?  You’re almost 73 years old

and you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, “Oh, Dad! Where are your glasses! This is a membership to a
Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!”

I’m in trouble again and don’t know what to do!

I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier!

Old Guys can be Helpful

I was in the Mall the other day, looking for a Valentine’s Day gift, when I collided with a young guy.

I said to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

I said, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?”

I said, “Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.”

Most of us old guys are helpful like that.

Sunday Morning – The Best Time To Make Love!

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,

Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother

replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100

years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “he’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

Little Old Lady and Her New Hat

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist. A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, “Ma’am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat.” She said, “Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old; this hat is brand new!”

Golf Is Better Than Sex… Top 10 Reasons

#10. A below par performance is considered damn good.


#9.  You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.


#8.  It’s much easier to find the sweet  spot.

#7.  Foursomes are encouraged.

#6.  You can still make money doing it as a  senior.

#5.  Three times a day IS possible.

#4.  Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play  with someone else.

#3. If you live in Florida,  you can do it almost everyday.

#2. You  don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re  finished.

And the number one reason why golf is better than  sex…

#1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!

YES!!!

Where are you going?

Ron, an eighty five year old man, was sitting on the couch with his wife, Maisie, when she said to him, ‘Why don’t you come sit close to me like you used to.’ So he did.

After a moment Maisie said, ‘Why don’t you put your arm around me like you used to.’

Ron put his arm around Maisie and held her tight. Then she said, ‘Why don’t you nibble on my ear like you used to.’

Ron got up and left the room.

‘Where are you going?’ Maisie called out.

‘To get my teeth,’ Ron replied.

Getting old is no fun!

Old is when…

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…

Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….

You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN

‘Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take a laxative today.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….

‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…

An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….

You’re not sure if these are facts or jokes.