Sports

Football Jokes, NFL, Super Bowl

“Football is a game played with arms, legs and shoulders but mostly from the neck up.” 

 Knute Rockne 

Super Bowl XLVI  (46) February 5, 2012 

New York Giants & New England Patriots

Congratulations to the GIANTS! 21- 17

SUPER BOWL CHAMPS

Princess, the star Camel of New Jersey’s Popcorn Park Zoo, has correctly picked the winner of five of the last six Super Bowls. She went 14 and 6 predicting regular season and playoff games this year, and has a lifetime record of 88-51.

Her pick this year: The New York Giants.

Stare at the picture to see the best optical illusion ever.

Just for fun

I know it’s a long stretch, but I’m sticking my neck out and picking the Patriots!

 Wonder who Madonna picks?

If I spend money for a Super Bowl ticket ~ “Do I get to have sex with Madonna?”  David Letterman

Letterman read “Questions to Ask Yourself Before Spending $16,000 on a Super Bowl Ticket” on Tuesday’s edition of his late-night talk show.
The list read as follows –

10. “Do they have anything in the more affordable $15,000 range?”

9. “Have I recently divorced eitherKobe Bryant or Tiger Woods?” 

8. “Can I afford it after spending $12,000 on a Pro Bowl ticket?”

7. “Isn’t this why the rest of the world hates us?”

6. “Would it make more sense to watch at home and spend the 16 grand on snacks?”

5. “Before I spend the money, how’s Gronkowski’s ankle?”

4. “For $4,000 an hour, couldn’t I get a really good hooker?”

3. “If I’ve got 16 grand, should I buy the Mets?”

2. “Will I forever be known as ‘the ass [expletive] who spent $16,000 on a Super Bowl ticket?’”

1. “Do I get to have sex with Madonna?” 

Well, say, this (football) beats croquet. There’s more go about it!
- quoted in “Mark Twain at Football Game,” New York World, Sunday November 18, 1900

According to a poll, 43% of Americans thought God helped Tim Tebow win football games.  But many of them also resented it because that meant God was sitting at home watching football while they were at church. 

Joe Biden was at a Democratic fundraiser last week in San Francisco and he said, “The Giants are on the way to the Super Bowl.”  After getting jeered he said he made a mistake because the San Francisco baseball team is the Giants.  Who would have thought Biden would ever get confused?  Anyway, since the subject was football it is appropriate that he stuck his foot in his mouth.

***

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY is the number one

SNACK DAY in the United States.

Not a good day to start a diet or maintain a diet.

Companies are spending a fortune in

The Battle For Your Stomach

Just sit back and enjoy a SUPER BOWL of:

chili, chips, dip, chicken wings,

processed sliced meat or pizza

Want to be a creative host at your Super Bowl Party?

Try serving these hefty caloric unique snacks:

Scroll over the picture for their names!

New York state bakery named Coccadotts Cake Shop is selling a combination of cornbread and bleau cheese frosting — with a big ol’ chicken wing on top. Said Rachel Coca-Dott, owner of the bakery in Colonie near Albany:

I was thinking about the Super Bowl. What goes with the Super Bowl but chicken wings? And I said, ‘Oh, a chicken wing cupcake, Rachel?’ And I tried five or six recipes and the last recipe when I was ready to call it quits I think we kinda nailed it on it.

In the Patriots initial media session, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, made a good attempt to get the Indianapolis home town fans on his side when he mentioned the Patriots’ loss to the rival Colts in 2009.

“I never had too much hospitality here until I went for it on fourth-and-2,” Belichick quipped. “Since then, I’ve been greeted in a lot more friendly manner than I was in the past.”

****

A ball boy made an incredible catch during the Australian Open Tennis match between Federer and Nadal. I’ll have to check the stats, but I think that grab gives the kid the same number of receptions that Green Bay Packers receivers had in the playoffs.

Where do hungry football players play? In the Supper Bowl.

Q: What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl in Arlington, Texas?
A: The Dallas Cowboys!

Q: What’s the difference between the Green bay Packers and Cheerios?
A: Cheerios belongs in a bowl.

Superbowl Commitment…
… A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field.
He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken.
The man replied, “No.”
Amazed the young man asked, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”
The older gentleman responded, “That’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away.”
“Oh, how sad,” the man said. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“No,” the man said, “They’re all at the funeral.”

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, “What is your IQ?”
The man answers “241.”
“That is wonderful!,” says Albert. “We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!” Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, “What is your IQ?”
The lady answers, “144.”
“That is great!,” responds Albert. “We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!”
Albert goes to another person and asks, “What is your IQ?”
The man answers, “51.”
Albert responds, “How ’bout them Packers?”

The Cheesehead teacher and Little Johnny

“A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Cheesehead.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Cheeseheads too.
No one really knowing what a Cheesehead was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A boy named Little Johnny who has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different.
“Because I’m not a Cheesehead.”

“Then”, asks the teacher, “What are you?”
“Why, I’m a proud Steeler Fan,” boasts Little Johnny.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Little Johnny why he is a rebel.
“Well, my mom and dad are Steeler Fans, so I’m a Steeler Fan too.”
The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”
A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Little Johnny, “I’d be a Cheesehead”.”

“The city of Pittsburgh is on top of the sports world. To remain there, they’ll have to sell the Pirates”

“The Steelers are keeping the natural grass on their field so that the offensive line has something to graze on.”

Next Season
The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, “The Panthers are Super Bowl contenders.”Snow White thought to herself, “Thank God… at least Dopey’s survived!”

*

“My definition of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself!”

GOLF ~ WHAT FUN!

TEBOW TIME ~ Religion and Sports

RELIGION, SPORTS AND POLITICS  ~ the most popular topics in America! This is especially true during the silly season of American politics and NFL Playoffs.

Was God on Tim Tebow’s side

in the land of the Patriots Saturday

when his team took on New England in the NFC playoffs?

Apparently not!

Tebow needed more than a few

 Immaculate Receptions

if he was going to defeat the Patriots

The game between the Denver Brocos and the New England Patriots is likely to be the most-watched NFL playoff contest in history, as America’s choir boy Tim Tebow faced Tom Brady, the playboy powerhouse.

UPDATE:

Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow takes his helmet off following an NFL divisional playoff football game against the New England Patriots Saturday, Jan. 14, 2012, in Foxborough, Mass.

The Patriots defeated the Broncos 45-10. 

Tim Tebow ~ favourite Bible passage is John 3:16,

threw for 316 yards,

31.6 yards per pass and

had an overtime with a TV rating of 31.6

“When we place our dependence in God, we are unencumbered, and we have no worry. . . .This confidence, this sureness of action, is both contagious and an aid to the perfect action. The rest is in the hands of God — and this is the same God, gentlemen, who has won all of His battles up to now.” VINCE LOMBARDI 1964

Commenting on athletes and religious displays a few year ago: “It’s just plain silly,” said Dan Barker, 55, a minister turned atheist, and a spokesman for the 5,300-member Freedom from Religion Foundation. “When you throw a football and you pray, do the laws of nature change? Does the elliptical curve of the ball through the air suddenly swerve, or what? Is God blessing you for winning and is God cursing the other team for losing? Just the arrogance of that; it’s one thing to be happy and thankful, but to put it on religion, it’s so uncivil, because everybody has different religions.”

If you are a deeply religious football player (or any athlete) and your team loses, do you say, “Thank you, lord, for letting us lose.”?

I believe Tebow may be an exceptional person, but I don’t believe God wants him to win more than he does any other athlete. But it’s an argument that can never be won.

Tim Tebow ~ one of the most fascinating Modern Day Americans!

Tim Tebow ~ the most popular athlete in America

Tim Tebow ~ lots of time to try to improve in the off season

Tim Tebow ~ should be a GOP / Republican Candidate!

The 24 Absolute Laws of Golf

.

LAW 1:
No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2:
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3:
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.

LAW 4:
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5:
The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 6:
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.

LAW 7:
All 3-woods are demon-possessed. Your Mother in Law does not come close.

LAW 8:
Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water. See LAW 3.

LAW 9:
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 10:
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 11:
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

LAW 12:
Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.

LAW 13:
If it isn’t broke, try changing your grip.

LAW 14:
It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.

LAW 15:
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
LAW 16:
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

LAW 17:
It’s not a gimme if you’re still 4 feet away.

LAW 18:
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

LAW 19:
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

LAW 20:
Every Time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a double or triple bogey to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

LAW 21:
If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to use it to lay up just short of a water hazard.

LAW 22:
There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

LAW 23:
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

LAW 24:
Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.

Bonus:

It’s hard to putt in snow.

Funniest Famous Sports Quotes

“You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.” Wayne Gretzky

“When you are 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1? - Lawrie McMenemy, Manager of Southampton FC

“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

“And Farmer has now scored 19 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season” – Gary Lyon an Australian Commentator, finding multiplication difficult!

“Winning doesn’t really matter as long as you win” -Vinny Jones!

“Is the Pope Catholic. No I’m serious, is he? I really need to know”- David Beckham.

“Diego Maradona – a flawed genius who has now become a genius who is flawed” – Bob Wilson

“Chile have three options – they could win or they could lose.”- Kevin Keegan

“Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins.” – Brian Moore

“I spent 90 percent of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted!” – The legendary George Best, RIP

“This is an unusual Scotland side because they have good players”- Javier Clemente

“The Germans only have one player under 22, and he’s 23!” - Kevin Keegan!

We lost because we didn’t win. ~Ronaldo

“Football doesn’t build character, it reveals character!” ~ Marv Levy

“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” Michael Jordan

“The more I practice, the luckier I get.” ~ Gary Player

“If I ever saw myself saying I’m excited going to Cleveland, I’d punch myself in the face, because I’m lying.” 
-Ichiro Suzuki

“Winning isn’t everything, but wanting to win is.” ~ Vince Lombardi

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.” Muhammad Ali

“When my time on Earth is gone, and my activities here are past, I want them to bury me upside down, and my critics can kiss my ass.” ~ Bobby Knight

In football everything is complicated by the presence of the opposite team. ~ Jean Paul Sartre

“I always tell kids, you have two eyes and one mouth. Keep two open and one closed. You never learn anything if you’re the one talking.” ~ Gordie Howe

“Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”

“It ain’t over till it’s over.”

“When you come to a fork in the road, take it.” Yogi Berra

I am a member of a team, and I rely on the team, I defer to it and sacrifice for it, because the team, not the individual, is the ultimate champion. ~ Mia Hamm

“I feel like I’m the best, but you’re not going to get me to say that.” ~ Jerry Rice

“Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.” ~ Doug Collins

“Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them!”  ~ Jimmy Demaret

Some people believe football is a matter of life and death. I’m very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that. ~Bill Shankly

I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia. Not because I had it, but because I couldn’t spell it.” ~ Rocky Graziano

“The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs.  You can’t say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them.  Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve.  No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex.” ~ Carl Everett

“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”  Joe Theismann 

“Close don’t count in baseball. Close only counts in horseshoes and grenades.” Frank Robinson

“It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.” Hank Aaron

Tiger Woods ~ No Mojo!

After a terrible comeback and a slap in the face

from his former caddy,

has Tiger lost the spell he once had over his fellow competitors? 

TIGER WOODS COMEBACK ~ It’s All About The Tiger

Lost (fired) his caddie ~ New Caddie ~ Bryon Bell (school buddy)

Lost his long time coach ~ Fairly New Swing Coach ~ Sean Foley

Lost Sponsors ~ IMG, Gatorade, AT&T, Accenture

Lost Wife ~ Elin Maria Pernilla Nordegren

Lost Respect

Lost his number one ranking ~ currently 142 on money list

Has never lost the MEDIA HYPE!

*

Wonder if he will be around to wear the Red Shirt

on Sunday at the WGC – Bridgestone Invitational???

Brazil’s Marta ~ Best Female Football Player in the World

Marta Vieira da Silva—she goes by Marta—is a 25-year-old Brazilian.

Who is the best female soccer player in the world?

“Marta might very well be the best female soccer player of all time.

FIFA Player of the Year 5 times (2006, 2007, 2008, 2009 and 2010)

2011 FIFA Award

Marta: I’d love to win the award again

Marta has expressed her desire to win a sixth successive FIFA Women’s World Player of the Year award, but said she believes Homare Sawa is in with a great chance of seizing the prize.  ”I think [Sawa] has a big chance because she was decisive in the World Cup, in which she was the top scorer and the best player.“

This year’s king and queen will be revealed at a ceremony at the Kongresshaus in Zurich on Monday 9 January 2012.

WPS TOP XI

GK – Ashlyn Harris, Western New York Flash
D – Whitney Engen, Western New York Flash
D – Kia McNeill, Philadelphia Independence
D – Nikki Krzysik, Philadelphia Independence
D – Ali Riley, Western New York Flash
M – Veronica Boquete, Philadelphia Independence
M – Caroline Seger, Western New York Flash
M – Jen Buczkowski, Philadelphia Independence
F – Christine Sinclair, Western New York Flash
F – Marta, Western New York Flash
F – Abby Wambach, magicJack

Pyeongchang South Korea ~ Host of the 2018 Winter Olympics

The South Korean city of Pyeongchang (??) was awarded the 2018 Winter Olympics on Wednesday after failing in two previous attempts.

Pyeongchang defeated rivals Munich and Annecy, France, in a landslide in the first round of a secret ballot of the International Olympic Committee.

How do you pronounce Pyeongchang? It’s simple : Pyeongchang – pyahng-chang but it’s more like pyuhng-chahng — but make an effort to NOT overemphasize the “ch” sound.

Where is Pyeongchang???

Location: Pyeongchang, South Korea

Theme: New Horizons:

Proposed dates: February 9-25, 2018

Concept: Two zones. Alpensia mountain zone and Gangneung coastal zone.

Venues: Seven existing, six planned two of which will be build regardless of the 2018 decision)

Olympic villages: Two

Athletes’ travel times: mostly under 10 minutes

Existing rooms within 50km radius: 76,000, Pyeongchang guarantees 25,500 rooms to meet IOC requirements.

Security: safe and low risk environment

Gateway airport: Seoul Incheon international airport.

Budget: Organising committee (OCOG) budget is $1.53 billion (951.61 million pounds). Non-OCOG budget is $6.3 billion. All financial guarantees have been provided.

Pyeongchang seeks to become an Asian hub for winter sports.

South Korea is first Asian country outside Japan to host the winter Olympics. Pyeongchang narrowly lost out on the two previous bids with the 2010 Games hosted by Vancouver and the 2014 edition staged in Sochi, Russia.

Christie Rampone ~ World Cup Soccer Superstar

Christie Rampone (36 years old) leads an incredibly strong United States national team at the Women’s World Cup. She is the only remaining player from the 1999 World Cup champs.

28 June		USA	-	PRK
02 July		USA	-	COL
06 July		SWE	-	USA