Answers to WHY TEACHERS DRINK

English is Hard to Learn! – Back to School

‘I refuse to read this refuse!’

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A poem showing how Absurd the English Language is.

When the English tongue we speak.
Why is break not rhymed with freak?
Will you tell me why it’s true
We say sew but likewise few?
And the maker of the verse,
Cannot rhyme his horse with worse?
Beard is not the same as heard
Cord is different from word.
Cow is cow but low is low
Shoe is never rhymed with foe.
Think of hose, dose,and lose

And think of goose and yet with choose

Think of comb, tomb and bomb,
Doll and roll or home and some.
Since pay is rhymed with say
Why not paid with said I pray?
Think of blood, food and good.
Mould is not pronounced like could.
Wherefore done, but gone and lone -
Is there any reason known?
To sum up all, it seems to me
Sound and letters don’t agree.

This was written by Lord Cromer, published in the Spectator of August 9th, 1902

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AND other strange English Language facts

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

A farm can produce produce.

The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

The present is a good time to present the present.

At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance for the invalid was invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

We polish the Polish furniture.

And Finally:

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

Quicksand can work slowly.

Boxing rings are square and

if vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat??????

Cheating on a Test and Little Johnny

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The teacher asked to meet with Johnny’s parents. “I think your son cheated on a school test,” the teacher told the parents. “What do you mean?” the parents asked. “Well,” said the teacher, “I compared your son’s completed test with the boy sitting beside him and I found that both had the first three answers right and the next two wrong.” “That doesn’t prove anything,” said the parents.

“That’s what I thought,” said the teacher, “until I came to the sixth question.” “What about the sixth question?” asked Johnny’s parents. “Well,” answered the teacher, “to the sixth question, the boy sitting beside your son had answered, ‘I don’t know’; and your son answered, ‘neither do I.’”

I want to be like mommy when I grow up!

First Grade Drawing – PRICELESS!
A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.

The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.

She returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be perfectly clear on my child’s homework illustration.
It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money.
I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.
This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Harrington

Funny Emails About Children

Funny Emails Subject: Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner they got the boots off and he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ‘em.”

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?” He said, “I stuffed ‘em in the toes of my boots.”

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Owed Two A Spell Cheque

Eye halve a spelling chequer,
it came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques, four my revue,miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word and weight four it two say,
Weather eye am wrong oar write it shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid, it nose bee fore two long.
And eye can put the error rite it's rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it, I am shore your pleased two no.
Its letter perfect awl the weigh, my chequer tolled me sew.

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Really Dumb Questions

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Are there any unguided missiles?
Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say “Do Not Pass”?
Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?
Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?
Day light savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Do boxer shorts box?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do fish get thirsty?
Do hummingbirds hum because they don’t know the words?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world ‘up over’?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4′s”?
Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch Tape worms?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do steam rollers really roll steam?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do witches run spell checkers?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the
dirt out of them?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a
quarter?
Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?

Bonus:

Do Warlocks have Tiger Blood?

Little Johnny’s Question

Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.

Little Johnny asked, ” Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ? ”

funny emails

Little Johnny and Math

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well

“Yes! Of course! My pop taught me…even more than 10″

“Good. What comes after three?

“Four,” answers the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your erm…dad did a good job. Now…so what comes after…lets say ten?”

“A jack”

funny emails

Little Johnny and Sunday School

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. Little Johnny replied, ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.’ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honour thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’ Without missing a beat,  Little Johnny answered, ‘Thou shall not kill..’ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’ Little Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.’

Curtis and Leroy and the War of 1812

The adventures of Curtis and Leroy began quite a while ago. When they were in Grade 9 (for the fifth time) they were given a History Test. The teacher decided to help them out by giving them a easy bonus question.

The question:

When was the War of 1812?

Leroy left the answer blank.(as usual)

Curtis was upset and wrote the following on the test;

“That’s not a fair question. You haven’t taught us that yet!’

Another bonus question was:

Who won the War of 1812?

The correct answer is, CANADA.

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For More Why Teachers Drink, check out:

http://www.e-forwards.com/2010/05/why-teachers-drink/