Posts Tagged ‘funny sayings’

My Mother Taught Me!

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• My Mother taught me about ‘anticipation.’
  “Just wait until your father gets home.”
  My Mother taught me to ‘meet a challenge.’
  “What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don’t talk back to me!”
  My Mother taught me ‘logic.’
• “If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
• You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, “Mom, why don’t you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?”
• You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
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• My mother taught me about ‘hypocrisy.’
  “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
  My mother taught me the ‘circle of Life.’
  “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
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  My mother taught me about ‘behavior modification.’
  “Stop acting like your father!”
• For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
  One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
  The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”
  Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”
• Mother to daughter advice:
  Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
  But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
• The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she’d have children if she had it to do over again. “Yes,” she replied. “But not the same ones.
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Check out the following site for more jokes, stories, free animations and poems about Mother’s Day:

http://mothersdayfunontheweb.blogspot.com/

English is Hard to Learn! – Back to School

‘I refuse to read this refuse!’

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A poem showing how Absurd the English Language is.

When the English tongue we speak.
Why is break not rhymed with freak?
Will you tell me why it’s true
We say sew but likewise few?
And the maker of the verse,
Cannot rhyme his horse with worse?
Beard is not the same as heard
Cord is different from word.
Cow is cow but low is low
Shoe is never rhymed with foe.
Think of hose, dose,and lose

And think of goose and yet with choose

Think of comb, tomb and bomb,
Doll and roll or home and some.
Since pay is rhymed with say
Why not paid with said I pray?
Think of blood, food and good.
Mould is not pronounced like could.
Wherefore done, but gone and lone -
Is there any reason known?
To sum up all, it seems to me
Sound and letters don’t agree.

This was written by Lord Cromer, published in the Spectator of August 9th, 1902

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AND other strange English Language facts

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

A farm can produce produce.

The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

The present is a good time to present the present.

At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance for the invalid was invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

We polish the Polish furniture.

And Finally:

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

Quicksand can work slowly.

Boxing rings are square and

if vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat??????

What is a Geek?

When Life Gives You Questions, Google has Answers ~ AJ Carpio

What kind of Geek are you?

geek/g?k/

Like nerds, geeks are smart,

but they tend to focus more on technology.

Geeks are the people you make fun of in high school

and later work for as an adult.

Geek Quotes, Geek Sayings and things all Geeks should know!

1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d ~ tee shirt

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“I’m going to give you a little advice. There’s a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.” – Ty Webb, Caddyshack

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There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t. ~ unknown geek

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“Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at your side, kid.” -

Han Solo, Star Wars

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The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it’s twice as big as it needs to be. ~ unknown geek

 Roses are #FF0000, Violets are #0000FF. All my base Are belong to you  — someone on SlashDot

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Girls and Geeks

Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken.

 Geek Shirt

Space Invaders T-Shirt Flag

HeadlineShirts.com

England Football Manager’s Job

What to do after Fabio Capello resigned as

England’s Manager?

From Wikipedia:

The England manager’s job is subject to intense press scrutiny, often including revelations about the incumbent’s private life.^[12][13] Due to the high level of expectation of both the public and media the role has been described as “the impossible job”.

Spurs boss Harry Redknapp is a front runner for the manger’s job. When asked if he thought the FA committee would consider him for the “impossible job”, he said, “Well, England has three options. They can pick me or they can pick someone else!”

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I don’t know who’s going to get the England manager’s job, but I’d like to be the first to say that he’s useless and should resign.

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So the new national football manager has to be English with a decent record. How are they going to find anyone that fits that description?

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Fabio Capello has resigned as England manager. Reminds me of another Italian who left a sinking ship.

Possible candidate:

“I’ll hand out Vuvuzelas before every match and re-introduce oranges at half time.”

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Justin Bieber rules himself out as the manager. Feels he would be a better basketball coach. He recommends Adele for the job.

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The teacher asked the students what jobs their parents have. 

Teacher to student: “And what does your dad do?”

Little Johnny: “He’s a stripper in a gay bar.”

After class, the teacher took Little Johnny to one side.

Teacher: “Is that true about your dad?”

Little Johnny: “No, he’s the manger for England but I was too embarassed to say.”

**

The Manager should be someone who can handle the pressure and be able to come up with memorable quotes like the following:

‘If you don’t believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day’.  Neville Southall

“Soccer is a simple game its the players that make it complicated” -Willie Watson (Mancheser United)

“Winning doesn’t really matter as long as you win’.  Vinny Jones

‘My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7′.  David Beckham

As long as no-one scored, it was always going to be close.