Funny Clean Irish Jokes and One Liners
Though you might enjoy these short, clean, corny Irish jokes and one liners for St. Patrick’s Day
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Ireland
How did the Irish Jig get started?
Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
*
What do you call a clumsy Irish dance?
A jig mistake!
*
How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
He’s Dublin over with laughter!
*
What does Ireland have more of than any other country?
Irishmen!
*
Cook l: What do you think of my Irish stew?
Cook 2: It could use a pinch of Gaelic.
*
What’s Irish and stays out all night?
Patty O’furniture!
*
What did one Irish ghost say to the other?
‘Top o’ the moaning!
*
What’s big and purple and lies next to Ireland?
Grape Britain!
Luck & Leprechauns
What do you get if you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover??
A rash of good luck!
*
Why do leprechauns have pots o’gold?
They like to “go” first class!
*
What would you get if you crossed a leprechaun with a Texan?
A pot of chilli at the end of the rainbow!
*
What would you get if you crossed a leprechaun with a frog?
A little green man with a croak of gold!
*
Did you hear about the leprechaun who went to jail?
He was a lepre-con!
*
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they’re always a little short.
*
Did you hear about the leprechaun who worked at the diner?
He was a short-order cook!
*
Do leprechauns get angry when you make fun of their height?
Yeah, but only a little!
*
Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
To keep from falling in the stew!
*
Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
Sure, they’re great at shorthand!
*
How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
He took a shortcut!
*
What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
Short ribs!
*
Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
Because they’re very short-tempered!
*
What baseball position do leprechauns usually play?
Shortstop!
*
What do you get when two leprechauns have a conversation?
A lot of small talk!
*
What did the leprechaun say to the elf?
How’s the weather up there?
*
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Warren.
Warren who?
Warren anything green today?
*
Why did the man cross the road?
Because there was a leprechaun on the other side with a pot of gold.
*
What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
A Jolly Green Giant
*
Why do frogs like St. Patrick’s Day?
Because they’re always wearing green
*
What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone?
A sham rock
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A Middle Aged Woman, Plastic Surgery and God
A woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”
God said,”No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live”.
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital
and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come
in and change her hair colour. Since she had so
much more time to live,
she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home,
she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
“I thought you said I had
another 40 years?
Why didn’t you pull me out
of the path of the ambulance?”
God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”
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A PROUD CANADIAN JOKE
A photographer on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call’.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw inOrlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
‘O.K., thank you,’ said the American.
He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same ‘$10,000 per call’ sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.
He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read ’50 cents per call.’
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. ‘Father, I’ve travelled all over America and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in the US the price was$10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?’
The priest smiled and answered, ‘You’re in Canada now, son … it’s a local call.’
KEEP SMILING
If you are proud to be a Canadian pass this on!
AND IF YOU ARE A PROUD AMERICAN
WHO CAN TAKE A JOKE,
YOU MAY PASS THIS ON TOO!
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The O J Pistorius Trial and South Africa’s Justice System Fail
Could the Pistorius Murder Case be any more botched?
Pistorius out on Bail! What a joke!
As almost everyone knows, Oscar ( O J ) Pistorius is accused of killing 29–year-old Reeva Steenkamp.
Prosecutors have charged Pistorius, a Paralympian who also competed in the London games last year, with premeditated murder. Pistorius says he mistook Steenkamp for an intruder.
PRETORIA, South Africa — South Africa’s National Prosecuting Authority told all involved in investigating the case to be extra diligent when collecting evidence and preparing their case.
The fact that Oscar Pistorius is an International sports figure and South African hero and that Reeva Steenkamp is a beautiful and famous model will mean that the rest of the world will be following the case.
Lead Detective Hilton Botha replied, “Do you think I should tell anyone that I’ve been charged with attempted murder?”
Bail Judge ~ Chief Magistrate Desmond Nair
Nair says the past incidents as discussed in court are not enough to establish a propensity towards violence.
Is the Judge an idiot. Pistorius just murdered Reeva Steenkamp! There is a strong case that he is guilty, therefore he is a risk.
The Judge believes he is probably guilty!
But, no, let’s let him go free on bail!!! After all he is a rich and famous person.
and that’s when the system failed…
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Toaster Prints (Burns) Weather
For the person who has everything!!
(except a weather app on their smart phone)
Why Invent This???????
This Toaster looks more reasonable.
Lakeland Digital
This retro-look, brushed stainless steel toaster features nine settings, extra-wide slots for crumpets and bagels, a bread-lift function, a slide-out crumb tray and cord storage. Everything you need, (except the weather report) in other words, to pop up slice after golden slice.
These Toasters look pretty cool!
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Senior Road Trip
If you aren’t senior you will be soon enough!
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside
restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal,
they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
left her glasses on the table,
and she didn’t miss them until
they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation,
they had to travel quite a
distance before they could find a place to turn around,
in order to return to the restaurant to
retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband
became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded
his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn’t let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside
to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
“While you’re in there, you might as well get
my hat and the credit card.”
This coming week is
National Senior Mental
Health Week.
You can do YOUR part by remembering
to contact at least one
unstable Senior to show you care.
I have now done MY part.
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Easter and Groundhog Day
Curtis, Leroy and Billy Bob are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the Billy Bob, “WHAT IS EASTER?” He replies, “Oh, that’s easy, it’s the holiday in November when everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful…”
“WRONG,” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the Leroy the same question, “WHAT IS EASTER?”
Leroy replies, “No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”
St. Peter looks at Leroy, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the Curtis and asks, “WHAT IS EASTER?”
Curtis smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.
“I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and He was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took Him to be crucified and was stabbed in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and He was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter.”
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Groundhog Day: No shadow for Famous forecasting legends
EARLY SPRING PREDICTED
Groundhog Day:
No shadow for Famous forecasting legends Punxsutawney Phil from the U.S.
and Wiarton Willie from Canada.
Early Spring ~ didn’t need to put on so much weight!
