Posts Tagged ‘joke’

My Kind of Exercise Program

Have you exercised today?

What a clever exercise program! 

Tiger Woods and the Witch ~ What Women Want

 

Tiger Woods

was ambushed and imprisoned by the ruler of a unfriendly Ryder Cup country. The ruler said he was going to share, on Twitter and Facebook,

some pretty terrible rumors about Tiger to keep him out of the Ryder Cup.

After some time passed, the ruler was moved by Tiger’s talent and knowledge of women.

So, the ruler offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Tiger would have a year to figure out the answer and,

if after a year, he still had no answer, he’d have to stay imprisoned and retire from golf.

The question?…What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to Tiger, it seemed an impossible query.

His first thought was that every woman wants a golf club to try to knock some sense into their husbands when they behave really badly.

He didn’t believe that that answer would please the ruler.  So, since it was better than no golf, he accepted the ruler’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.

He returned to his home course and began to poll everyone: the golfers, caddies, the course superintendent and even Phil Mickelson. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch,  for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the country for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Tiger had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Tiger’s best friend, the # 1 golfer in the world and Tiger’s closest friend!

Tiger was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.

He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

 

 

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but his friend, learning of the proposal, spoke with Tiger

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Tiger’s golf and the preservation of the TV ratings for the PGA.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Tiger’s question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered….is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the golf community instantly knew that the witch had uttered

a great truth and that Tiger’s golf career would be saved.

And so it was, the unfriendly ruler granted Tiger his freedom and Tiger’s friend and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and the number one golfer in the world, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom.

But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he’d ever seen

lay before him on the bed. He asked what had happened?

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her

when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth,

be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day….or night?

He pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends,

but at night, in the privacy of his mansion, an old witch?

Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night,

a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What he chose is below. 

BUT….make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. 

OKAY?

He said that he would allow

HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough

to let her be in charge of her own life

Now….what is the moral to this story?

The moral is…..

 
If you don’t let a woman have her own way…. 

Things are going to get ugly!

 

 

 

 

OLD BALD GUY!

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old.

Well, if you have, enjoy this one.

My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS Diploma on the wall,

which bore his full name. Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my High School class some 40-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. “Yes, yes I did. I’m a Mustang,” he gleamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1970, why to you ask?”

 “You were in my class!” I exclaimed. He looked at me closely,

THEN THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, “WHAT DID YOU TEACH????”

A Middle Aged Woman, Plastic Surgery and God

A woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”
God said,”No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live”.

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital

and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come

in and change her hair colour. Since she had so

much more time to live,
she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home,

she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded,

“I thought you said I had
another 40 years?

Why didn’t you pull me out

of the path of the ambulance?”

God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”

Life As A Senior Can Be Fun

A PROUD CANADIAN JOKE

A photographer on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call’.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw inOrlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

‘O.K., thank you,’ said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same ‘$10,000 per call’ sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read ’50 cents per call.’

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. ‘Father, I’ve travelled all over America and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in the US the price was$10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?’

The priest smiled and answered, ‘You’re in Canada now, son … it’s a local call.’

KEEP SMILING

If you are proud to be a Canadian pass this on!

AND IF YOU ARE A PROUD AMERICAN

WHO CAN TAKE A JOKE,

YOU MAY PASS THIS ON TOO!

Female Humor

Here’s one to pass on to your favorite women in your life … AWESOME !!! Great Female Humor! After you read the message about the pilots, Please find time to read the quote of the day – - – it is so perfect. While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I..s on board the usual  information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.Finally, she said, ‘Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan ‘ An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, ‘Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? ‘ When the attendant came by he said ‘Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?’ ‘Yes,!’ said the attendant, ‘In fact, this entire crew is female.’ ‘My God,’ he said, ‘I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don’t know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.’‘That’s another thing, Sergeant,’ said the crew member, ‘We No Longer Call It The Cockpit’   ‘It’s The Box Office.’ Quote of the day ‘Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.  If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.  If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.  If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.  She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.’ Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly. . …usually on a broomstick. We are flexible like that!

A Hot Air Balloonist and the Engineer

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below says, “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.

“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”

The man below says, “You must be a manager.”

“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”

“The best executive is the one who has sense enough to pick good men to do what he wants done, and self-restraint to keep from meddling with them while they do it.” 
~ Theodore Roosevelt

Sex Every Day of the Year ~ That’s No Bull!

I took my wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is about breeding bulls. We came up to the first pen and there is a sign that says, “This Bull mated 50 times last year.”

My wife poked me in the ribs and said, “He mated 50 times last year.”

We walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign, “This Bull mated 120 times last year.”

My wife hit me and said, “That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.”

We walked a little further to a third pen with a Bull and a sign, “This Bull mated 365 times last year.”

My wife got really excited and said, “That’s once a day.” You could REALLY learn something from this one.”

I turned to my wife and replied,

“Go up and ask him if it was with the same ol’ cow.”

Car Keys and the Golden Years

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal pat down. I was looking for my keys. 

They were not in my pockets.  A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. 

Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered;(I always call him “honey” in times like these.) 

“I left my keys in the car and it’s been stolen.” There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. “Are you kiddin’ me”, he barked, “I  dropped you off”!!!!!!! 

  

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.” He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn’t steal our car.”   

  Yep it’s the golden years…