What Children Say About Their Grandparents
How children perceive their grandparents and what Children say about their Grandparents!
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye….
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
“Who was THAT?”
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
“What’s it about?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”
7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She would tell me and was always correct.. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colours yourself!”
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.”
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.” she said. “How do you make babies?”
“It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”
11. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.
“Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child.
“No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.”
A third child brought the argument to a close.”They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
SEND THIS TO OTHER GRANDPARENTS, ALMOST GRANDPARENTS, OR HECK, SEND IT TO EVERYONE.
IT WILL MAKE THEIR DAY!
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My Mother Taught Me!
- My Mother taught me about ‘anticipation.’
“Just wait until your father gets home.”
My Mother taught me to ‘meet a challenge.’
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don’t talk back to me!”
My Mother taught me ‘logic.’ - “If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
- You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, “Mom, why don’t you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?”
- You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
- My mother taught me about ‘hypocrisy.’
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
My mother taught me the ‘circle of Life.’
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.” 
My mother taught me about ‘behavior modification.’
“Stop acting like your father!”- For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!” - Mother to daughter advice:
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend. - The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she’d have children if she had it to do over again. “Yes,” she replied. “But not the same ones.
Check out the following site for more jokes, stories, free animations and poems about Mother’s Day:
http://mothersdayfunontheweb.blogspot.com/
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Amazing Banana Jokes and Humor
The adjective is the banana peel
of the parts of speech.
Clifton Paul Fadiman
Someone asked me if I knew any good
banana jokes or banana puns
and I said I could DOLE out a Bunch of them!
I find these jokes about bananas Appealing.
Most are sidesplitting jokes
but some of them might make you
go bananas!
Some of you are leaving now,
even the bananas split.
Q: When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing?
A: What else but Peelings?
Peelings, nothing more than peelings,
trying to forget my peelings of love.
Teardrops rolling down on my face,
trying to forget my peelings of love….
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
Q: Why do bananas wear suntan lotion?
A: Because they peel!
Q: What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A: (sing to the tune of 5th symphony): Banana..na….! Banana..na….!
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It was not peeling very well.
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
How do you catch King Kong?
Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
Why do banana’s do so well on the dating scene?
Because they have Appeal!
Cute poem from my childhood
I’m Chiquita banana and I’m here to say
if you wanna bug your teacher, there’s a real easy way
just take a banana peel, and put it on the floor
and watch your teacher go flying out the door
Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Banana
Banana Who?
Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Banana
Banana Who?
Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Banana
Banana Who?
Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Banana
Banana Who?
Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Orange
Orange Who?
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana again?
Famous Quotes About Bananas
Intellectual property has the shelf life of a banana. ~ Bill Gates
Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others’ discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it’s funny. ~ Shahrukh Khan
His venture sounds like a banana peel awaiting its victim.
~ Charlotte Curtis
Amazing Fact about Bananas and Walmart
Walmart sells more bananas than any other item! No Joke! Wonder if Walmart bananas are Made in China?
.
Yes, I have no banana’s joke, … well, that’s it, I’m going to make like a banana and split!
Besides being funny, Bananas have many benefits!
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Funny Things People Say In Court
IF YOU’VE EVER BEEN CALLED FOR JURY DUTY…..
THEN YOU HAVE TO KNOW THIS IS PRICELESS!
Hope you enjoy a good laugh!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place..
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, “isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________ __________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
If you like this, you might also enjoy the following:
Why Pumpkins are Better than Men
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How Nuts Grow
These nuts are not all they are cracked up to be!
This is nut a funny email forward! In a nutshell, it’s about how nuts grow.
I know my dumb puns about nuts are acorny, but what shell I do.
Peanuts
Peanuts are legumes, not nuts, and so they don’t grow on trees. The peanut plant flowers above the ground, but the peanuts actually grow underground.
Via: 3.bp.blogspot.com
Via: i274.photobucket.com
Via: 1.bp.blogspot.com
Almonds
The fuzzy green almond fruit appears in early summer, and by July it begins to split open. By October, the split widens and allows the almond nut to dry out.
Via: ruralroutereview.files.wordpress.com
Via: almondinsights.com
Via: eatwellwithjanelblog.files.wordpress.com
Cashews
Cashews are a tropical plant that produces an apple-like fruit and a nut that grows out of each fruit. The apple, which starts out yellow and becomes red when ripe, is edible and high in vitamin C, but it’s reportedly not that tasty. Each fruit produces only one nut. If you’ve noticed that you can’t buy unshelled cashews, there’s a reason: the shells are toxic — they contain the same chemical as poison ivy and can cause rashes.
Via: upload.wikimedia.org
Via: topfoodfacts.com
Via: mentalfloss.com
Chestnuts
Chestnuts grow on trees in prickly green husks that eventually dry out and split open. It takes a seedling about five years to start producing fruit.
Via: news.uns.purdue.edu
Via: 3.bp.blogspot.com
Brazil Nuts
Brazil nuts grow in South American forests in large fruits that can weigh up to four pounds. Inside each fruit are about 10-20 nuts packed like an orange.
Via: media-1.web.britannica.com
Via: knowledgering.com
Via: wri.org
Pine Nuts
Pine nuts are edible seeds that grow in pine cones. Each cone contains about 50 seeds, but they’re hard to harvest, which partially explains why pine nuts are soooo expensive.
Via: upload.wikimedia.org
Via: 4.bp.blogspot.com
Via: us.123rf.com
Pistachios
The pistachio tree is a desert plant that grows fruit in clusters. When the shells are ripe, they change from green to yellow and split open, revealing the nut. The coolest part? That split often happens with an audible pop.
Via: here4now.typepad.com
Via: photos.lasvegassun.com
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”
“No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”
A guy walks into a bar and notices he’s the only one there, apart from the barkeep, who’s on the phone. The barkeep signals him that he’ll be with him in a minute. The guy nods and bellies up to the bar to wait. Suddenly, he hears a little voice say, “Hey, you’re looking pretty sharp today. New suit?” The guy looks around but can’t see anyone else in the place. He hears the voice again. “Seriously…you are looking good, chum. Have you lost weight?” The guy looks around again and still doesn’t see anyone. “Hello?” he asks. “Is someone speaking to me?” “You bet! I just had to say that I thought you were looking just super!” A bunch of other tiny voices suddenly rose in agreement. The guy realizes now that these voices are coming from a bowl of beer nuts on the bar in front of him. He stares at them as the barkeep finally hangs up and comes to serve his only customer. “What’ll you have?” asks the barkeep. “What?… Oh, a pint of ale, I guess”, mutters the guy, still staring at the nuts. He finally looks up at the barkeep drawing his pint. “What’s the deal with these nuts?” he asks. The barkeep brings the guy’s pint over and sets it before him. “They’re complimentary”, he shrugs.
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Time To Get Rid Of The Penny, America
Makes no CENTS to keep the penny. Right?
Canada did it, why not the United States?
But, after exhaustive research, I found the following reasons why America might keep the penny.
1. Because Americans are more religious than Canadians. What will Angels toss down from heaven if there are no pennies?
Pennies from Heaven
C Mashburn
I found a penny today
Just laying on the ground.
But it’s not just a penny
This little coin I’ve found.
Found pennies come from heaven
that’s what my Grandpa told me.
He said Angels tossed them down
Oh, how I loved that story!
He said when an Angel misses you
They toss a penny down,
sometimes just to cheer you up
To make a smile out of your frown.
So don’t pass by that penny
When you’re feeling blue.
It may be a penny from heaven
That an Angel’s tossed to you.
2. Will we have to pay a “nickel for your thoughts”?
3. What will happen to our savings and wealth (if you believe in the following quote)
If you take care of the penny’s.
The dollars will take care of them-selves.
4. We will have less luck!
“find a penny pick it up and all the day you’ll have good luck”
Penny Survives, Despite Calls to Cut Wasteful Government Spending
“Making the penny may be the most wasteful thing the federal government does.”
Jim Forsyth
UTSA economist Dr. John Merrifield says it doesn’t make sense to make the cent, and now is the time to put the penny out to pasture.
“With the increase in the price of copper, it is totally insane to have the penny around,” Merrifield said
The most to get rid of the penny, which has been underway since the 1960s, appears to be gaining momentum, as President Obama recently said he supports it.
“Any time we are spending more money on something that people don’t actually use, that’s an example of something we should probably change,” the President said.
The U.S. mint estimates it costs two and a half cents to make every penny in circulation.
“Unlike other coins where the exchange value is worth a lot more than what it costs to make it, the penny is a losing proposition,” Merrifield said.
“There’s probably some special interest somewhere that’s going to lose jobs if we stop processing copper into pennies,” he said.
By the Way
In an effort to cut costs, the Canadian government chose to stop minting pennies this year. The penny’s costs have finally grown so high that the government has realized it just doesn’t make sense to keep the 1-cent coin going.
“The penny is a currency without any currency,” said Finance Minister Jim Flaherty, who is also quoted saying that pennies “take up too much space on our dressers at home” and “far too much time for small businesses trying to grow and create jobs.”
The Canadian penny now costs Canada 1.6 cents to produce. And if this seems similar to the U.S. penny, that’s because it is, except that American pennies are still being funded by the federal government and manufactured by the U.S. Mint.
I guess the financial situation isn’t as bad in America??????????
Canadian Politician, Pat Martin, stood in the House of Commons in Ottawa and delivered a poem praising the end of the penny:
Farewell to the lowly old penny,
the most of commons coins that you’ll see.
It once served us well,
but most people will tell,
it ain’t what it once used to be.
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Valentine Cute Puns, Love Quotes and One Liners
What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day?
I’m stuck on you!
What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine’s Day?
Cauliflowers!
What do you call a very small Valentine?
A Valentiny!
What did the boy squirrel say to the girl squirrel on Valentine’s Day?
I’m nuts about you!
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
“I’m sweet on you!”
What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
“I find you very attractive.”
What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine‘s Day?
A hug and a quiche!
What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine’s Day?
I Love Ewe!
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
“I love you a ton!”
What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
“You’re fun to hang around with.”
Valentines Day Love Quotes by Shakespeare
“When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew.”
William Shakespeare
They do not love that do not show their love.”
William Shakespeare
“So long as I can breathe or I can see
so long lives your love which gives life to me.”
William Shakespeare
“Love from one side hurts, but love from two sides heals.”
William Shakespeare
“Love looks not with eyes, but with the mind.”
William Shakespeare
“A friend is one who knows who you are, understands where you have
been, accepts what you have become, and still gently
allows you to grow.”
William Shakespeare
“Love is the most beautiful of dreams and the worst of nightmares.”
William Shakespeare
“Love sought is good, but given unsought, is better. “
William Shakespeare
“Now join your hands, and with your hands your hearts. “
William Shakespeare
“Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love. “
William Shakespeare
“Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds. “
William Shakespeare
“They do not love that do not show their love. “
William Shakespeare
“A woman would run through fire and water for such a kind heart. “
William Shakespeare
“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves. “
William Shakespeare
“Love is a spirit of all compact of fire. “
William Shakespeare
“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind;
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind”.
William Shakespeare
“My bounty is as deep as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite. “
William Shakespeare
“My heart is ever at your service. “
William Shakespeare
“So they lov’d as love in twain
Had the essence but in one;
Two distinct, divisions none…”
William Shakespeare
“Such is my love, to thee I so belong,
That for thy right myself will bear all wrong. “
William Shakespeare
“When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew. “
William Shakespeare
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Easter and Groundhog Day
Curtis, Leroy and Billy Bob are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the Billy Bob, “WHAT IS EASTER?” He replies, “Oh, that’s easy, it’s the holiday in November when everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful…”
“WRONG,” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the Leroy the same question, “WHAT IS EASTER?”
Leroy replies, “No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”
St. Peter looks at Leroy, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the Curtis and asks, “WHAT IS EASTER?”
Curtis smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.
“I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and He was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took Him to be crucified and was stabbed in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and He was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter.”
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Office Humor My Work Experience Fail
During a recent job interview they asked me about my previous work experience.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I worked as a pilot but eventually got grounded for taking off too much.
Then I tried teaching but I couldn’t make the grade.
I spent a few years as a Psychiatrist but everyone’s problems drove me crazy.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef–figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn’t have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.
I was a pretty good eye doctor, but I could not stay focused on the job.
I worked a long time as a doctor.
I gave it my best shot, but I didn’t have enough patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it never touched my sole.
The Energizer Battery Company hired me but then expected me to keep going, and going, and going…
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
Of course, I tried being a secretary, but it turned out not to be my type of work.
My years as an exterminator were pretty good, but I got tired of the rat race.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking even thought it kind of turned me on.
I was a gardener for a while, but I didn’t grow with the job even though I was racking in the money.
My career as a comedian was a stand-up success, but the critics thought I was a big joke.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
You got any ideas? I’m opened for suggestions……maybe you have something that WORKS…..cause I don’t!!
Categories: 1. Funny Email Forwards, Email Delanteros Humor Interesante, email Forwards, FUNNY EMAILS, Humor, Interesting Facts, Jokes, Office Humor, PUNS Tags: interview fail, Jokes, office humor, Puns
