Posts Tagged ‘lawyers’

Funny Things People Say In Court

IF YOU’VE EVER BEEN CALLED FOR JURY DUTY…..

THEN YOU HAVE TO KNOW THIS IS PRICELESS!

funny judge-funny court jokes

Hope you enjoy a good laugh!

 

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place..
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, “isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________ __________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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pumpkins better than men funny

Why Pumpkins are Better than Men

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Be the first to comment - What do you think?  Posted by John - February 26, 2013 at 4:30 pm

Categories: 1. Funny Email Forwards, Dumb People, Email Delanteros Humor Interesante, email Forwards, Famous Quotes, FUNNY EMAILS, Funny Pictures, Funny Sayings, Humor, I've learned that..., Interesting Facts, Jokes, Wisdom   Tags: , , , , ,

Best Lawyers in America

The list of the best lawyers in America was

determined using the following criteria:


Honesty

Integrity

Empathy

Intelligence

Knowledge of the Law

Caring

Writing Skills

Objectivity

***
***
****
**

Unfortunately,

we haven’t found any yet.

Please check back later!


We  expanded our search to include Canada,  but still no luck.

Bad Reputation

Isn’t it a shame how 99% of the lawyers give the whole profession a bad name.

What’s the difference between lawyers and vampire bats?
– One’s a bloodsucking parasite and the other is a mouse-like creature with wings!

 

Why wont Vampires attack lawyers?

Professional Courtesy

 

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Be the first to comment - What do you think?  Posted by John - January 14, 2012 at 9:55 am

Categories: 1. Funny Email Forwards, Email Delanteros Humor Interesante, email Forwards, FUNNY EMAILS, Funny Pictures, Humor, I've learned that..., Interesting Facts, Jokes, Uncategorized, Wisdom   Tags: , , , , ,

Farmer Leroy’s Divorce

Leroy walks into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asks, “May I help you?”

Leroy says, “Yeah. I want to get one of those dee-vorces.”

The attorney asks, “Well, do you have any grounds?”

Leroy replies, “Yeah. I got about 140 acres.”

The attorney says, “No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?”

Leroy says, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”

The attorney says, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”

Leroy says, “Yeah, I got a grudge. That’s where I park my John Deere.”

The attorney says, “No, sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

Leroy says, “Yessir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney says, “Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”

Leroy says, “No, sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

Finally, the attorney asks, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”

And Leroy replies, “Well, I cain’t never have a meaningful conversation with her!”

funny emails, email forwards, funny stuff

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Be the first to comment - What do you think?  Posted by John - September 16, 2011 at 5:43 am

Categories: 1. Funny Email Forwards, Adventures of the Hillbillies - Curtis and Leroy - Jokes, Dumb People, Email Delanteros Humor Interesante, email Forwards, FUNNY EMAILS, Humor, Jokes   Tags: , , ,

Famous Quotes About Lawyers

Divorce is a game played by lawyers. ~ Cary Grant

The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.
William Shakespeare
King Henry VI Part 2.

Lawyer, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.
Ambrose Bierce
The Devil’s Dictionary.

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
Will Rogers


A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. ~ Herbert Spencer

A jury too often has at least one member more ready to hang the panel than to hang the traitor. ~ Abraham Lincoln

A lawyer is a gentlemen that rescues your estate from your enemies and then keeps it to himself. ~ Lord Henry P. Brougham

A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns. ~ Mario Puzo

 

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Be the first to comment - What do you think?  Posted by John - March 9, 2011 at 3:16 am

Categories: 1. Funny Email Forwards, Famous Quotes, FUNNY EMAILS, Funny Sayings, Humor, I've learned that..., Interesting Facts, Jokes, Wisdom   Tags: , , ,

Lawyer Jokes

“A man may as well open an oyster without a knife, as a lawyer’s mouth without a fee.”
Barton Holyday.

Q: Why are there so many criminal lawyers in the U.S.? 

A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

How can you spot a lawyer or politician walking down the street?

He will have his hands in someone else’s pockets.

**

 

‘Be careful, my divorce attorney just charged me $350 for his ‘two-cents worth’.’

Tax Attorney:

 

‘What part of etc, etc, etc don’t you understand?’

 

Malpractice Attorney:

‘My client is therefore NOT guilty of malpractice. All he is guilty of is an error in judgment. He should have decided to be a plumber.”

A command was given to a dog: “SPEAK!”
The dog said in return: “Not without my lawyer present!” 

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Q: Why are there so many criminal lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: What’s the difference between a  divorce lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

 

 

 

There are no honest lawyers

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer.

“Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer’.”

“But that won’t let people know who it is!” protested the lawyer.

“Sure it will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim, “That’s impossible!”

*********************

Just before Xmas, an honest politician, two forthright bankers, three generous lawyers and Santa Claus all got into the elevator at the New York Palace Hotel.  As the elevator travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a $100 bill lying on the floor.

Which one picked up the $100 bill, and handed it in at reception?

Santa of course, the others don’t actually exist!


**************

How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

How many can you afford?

Three – one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!

What’s the difference between a tax attorney and a pit bull?

Jewelry.

How can you tell when a criminal attorney is lying?

His lips are moving.

How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, and then on the other.

How do you get a group of criminal lawyers to smile for a picture?

Just say “Fees!”

“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?”

“Well, your Honour,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.

“Can you tell me how much you charge?”, said the client.

“Of course”, the lawyer replied, “I charge $200 to answer three questions!”

“Well that’s a bit steep, isn’t it?”

“Yes it is”, said the lawyer, “And what’s your third question?”

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1 comment - What do you think?  Posted by John - January 12, 2011 at 11:55 am

Categories: 1. Funny Email Forwards, Email Delanteros Humor Interesante, email Forwards, FUNNY EMAILS, Funny Sayings, Humor, I've learned that..., Interesting Facts, Irish Jokes, Jokes, St. Patrick's Day Jokes and Humor   Tags: , , ,

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