Posts Tagged ‘Puns’

How Nuts Grow

These nuts are not all they are cracked up to be!

This is nut a funny email forward! In a nutshell, it’s about how nuts grow.

I know my dumb puns about nuts are acorny, but what shell I do.

Peanuts

Peanuts are legumes, not nuts, and so they don’t grow on trees. The peanut plant flowers above the ground, but the peanuts actually grow underground.

Office Humor My Work Experience Fail

During a recent job interview they asked me about my previous work experience.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

 After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

 Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I worked as a pilot but eventually got grounded for taking off too much.

Then I tried teaching but I couldn’t make the grade.

I spent a few years as a Psychiatrist but everyone’s problems drove me crazy.

 I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.

 Then I tried to be a chef–figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn’t have the thyme.

 I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

 My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

I was a pretty good eye doctor, but I could not stay focused on the job.

I worked a long time as a doctor.
I gave it my best shot, but I didn’t have enough patients.

 Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it never touched my sole.  

The Energizer Battery Company hired me but then expected me to keep going, and going, and going…

 I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

 Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

 I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. 

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it.

 So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

Of course, I tried being a secretary, but it turned out not to be my type of work.

My years as an exterminator were pretty good, but I got tired of the rat race.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking even thought it kind of turned me on. 

I was a gardener for a while, but I didn’t grow with the job even though I was racking in the money.

My career as a comedian was a stand-up success, but the critics thought I was a big joke. 

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

 You got any ideas? I’m opened for suggestions……maybe you have something that WORKS…..cause I don’t!!

Golf Puns Fore Valentine’s Day

I’m crazy fore you

You make my heart putt-putt

Suited to a tee

We are a Par-fect couple

Cute Valentine Jokes, Puns and One Liners

Are you in the mooood for some Utterly Ridiculous Valentine Puns?

 This following card is probably the corniest Valentine Pun of them all!

WHEN TWO KIDS BUTT HEADS

Do ewe know any goat puns?

Goat out there and find the best answers.

You don’t have to be sheepish about it, just bleat out your answers.

I wasn’t kidding around when I told you that you could be a real silly billy.

 I don’t billy-ve this.

Some people are trying to ram their answers down our throats.

Things like this really get my goat.

When we pick the best pun we don’t have to lock horns.

I just want to say goat for ewe

and

thanks for your help!

Meh-eh-eh the force be with ewe!

Romney, Koch Brothers, Big Business and the Poor ~ A Sad and Punny Story

Why do the Koch brother’s support Romney?

Koch Brothers spend almost $400 million!!!!!!!!!.

They must believe the election can be bought.

So much for a political system for the people, by the people.

The Democratic Party believes in a system

for the rich by the rich.

*

Romney’s policies would do a lot to ensure that wealthy people like the Kochs’ never have to pay their fair share (huge saving on estate taxes, reduced personal taxes, fewer taxes on their huge oil and gas companies and lower taxes on investments. ~ most Americans don’t have investments, they have debt. Romney doesn’t seem to get this fact, just ask the 47%.

Part of the reason for so much poverty and such high gas prices are the incredible profits that companies make.

The following is a SAD AND PUNNY commentary on the huge (growing) gap between the rich and the middle class, the high gas prices, Mitt Romney’s policies and the Koch brothers.

With Gas prices so high, upwardly mobile Americans will not even a ford to live in their cars!

Plain and simple, everyone’s fuming over the high cost of gas at the pump and the growing poverty in America!

Romney auto know better than to continue to support tax cuts for the rich. The profits of large corporations and Big Oil Companies are too high. Money needs to be distributed better in our society. I am writing this column so that I might be able to help steer politicians like Romney in the right direction. Otherwise, they are headed on the highway to hell. I am shocked by how much we have been lead astray by those in power. We have been conditioned to believe that this is an acceptable way to live. Putting pressure on your local politicians and aligning ourselves with those that appreciate the damage that has been done, may help us gain real traction.

I don’t acclaim to be an export on this issue, but gimme a brake! I think it’s my civic duty to report these facts. My mercury is rising and I don’t think we should dodge the problem. There are just too many people who can’t a ford to own a home or fill up their car which is a tragedy in America and such a saab story! We are sadly cadilacking in support for the poor.  Many homeless people have lost their dignity and are a shell of their former selves. I may be clutching at straws but I’m tired of doing nothing. I’m not too sure which direction America is steering but the current Democratic Party’s way of thinking needs some serious repairs.  We need to take this issue wheely seriously, unlike some politicians who take a blinkered perspective and are just fuel of scrap. Many, like Rick Scott, give an automatic response that the homeless and poor are lazy and it’s their fault. We should work hard in order to help shift their attitudes because, quite frankly, I don’t like their tune. Some gas taxes should just be scrapped or reversed. Lately, many car dwelling people are running on empty, are driven to dispair, have no where to turn, and are just plain exhausted. Their dreams of days down on the beach will have to take a back seat for quite a while because they can’t a ford to drive there.

Oil companies and politicians like Romney, in their efforts to drive down costs, have their blinkers on and have ignored the long term consequences of such a strategy. The window of opportunity is closing rapidly. We need to put the pedal to the metal and fire on all cylinders to get things rolling. It would be a great disservice to the poor if we didn’t explore all the avenues open to us. If we work together wheel be able to put pressure on politicians and big oil companies many of whom I’m not a fan of.   We need to gear up for a fight to help those in such tire straights and not allow this cause to stall.  I hope we can inject more money to help advocasy groups so they can accelerate this one through the courts. Hiring top lawyers may be the key to success and provide a spark of hope. Unfortunately, many of these types of actions get suspended or stalled in the court system.

It’s no use being cranky and continuing to fume about this issue. We need to spring into action inorder to make any kind of dent in this problem! Remember, ‘The Squeaky Wheel Gets the Grease.‘  A good place to start is to form a government panel before our efforts hit the skids. What ever happens, it looks like a bumpy road ahead for gas prices and the poor.

The best solution is to vote for Obama

Unfortunately, I carn’t think of what else to write because I have engine block,  so oil leave now…

Your puns would be appreciated!

Sapulpa Public Schools or Shcools

 Sapulpa administration is proud of their publik edjuukashun system.

Not only is their spelling bad, I heard that their Math teachers have lots of problems, too.

It’s not so much that they made an error, it’s just the principal of it.

They say the worker is suffering from post-grammatic stress disorder.

The Superintendent said it wasn’t a prank, ~ the person who put up the sign was just absent-minded and maybe lost his faculties.

The history teacher just said it was old news.

Back to School Puns

Once A Pun A Time…

Decimals have a point.

I’ve failed the mathematics test so many times I lost count.

I didn’t understand the math, so the teacher summed it up for me.

Romney Liar ~ Good Choice to Be Leader of the Most Powerful Nation on Earth

I must  ad-Mitt that I didn’t know that Mitt Romney’s first name is really Willard!

And where there’s a Willard, there’s a way to screw things up…

or be forgetfull

What a Romnesiac!

I didn’t mean to offend 47% of Americans.

I meant 100%. Right Pawlenty???

Some of Mitt’s most famous quotes:

“I saw my father march with Martin Luther King.” (Romney’s campaign later admitted that they didn’t march on the same day, or in the same city) 

“PETA is not happy that my dog likes fresh air.” –on strapping his dog to the top of the car.

“Well, the question is kind of a non sequitur, if you will. And what I mean by that — or a null set.” –after being asked during a Republican debate whether is was a mistake to invade Iraq

“We should double Guantanamo!”

“I’m happy to learn that after I speak you’re going to hear from Ann Coulter. That’s a good thing. I think it’s important to get the views of moderates.” –right before Coulter called John Edwards a “faggot”

They say he has Romnesia!

Mitt Romney and Lies

‘I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts’.  Will Rogers

‘In politics, absurdity is not a handicap’.
Napoleon Bonaparte.

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. Mark Twain

Why does Mitt Romney envy ventriloquists? 
Because they can lie without moving their lips.

How can you tell when Mitt Romney is lying? 
His lips are moving.

“I am the biggest liar in the world”, said Mitt Romney,. 
“No, you’re not,” said Paul Ryan, “I am!” 
“Prove it, then,” says Mitt. 
Paul says, “Last week I swam UP Niagara falls!” 
“I know,” says Mitt, “I saw you.”

Phrases that Describe Mitt Romney as a Liar

Frequent liar

Misleadership

Serial Liar

Gaffe Master

Lie by example

Lie your way to the White House

Newsman: “Mr. President, why is it that your opponent, Mitt Romney, spreads such terrible lies about you, while you only say what a good job he’s done as a Governor?”
President Obama: “Maybe we are both lying.”

FUN PUNS

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.