These nuts are not all they are cracked up to be!
This is nut a funny email forward! In a nutshell, it’s about how nuts grow.
I know my dumb puns about nuts are acorny, but what shell I do.
Peanuts are legumes, not nuts, and so they don’t grow on trees. The peanut plant flowers above the ground, but the peanuts actually grow underground.
The fuzzy green almond fruit appears in early summer, and by July it begins to split open. By October, the split widens and allows the almond nut to dry out.
Cashews are a tropical plant that produces an apple-like fruit and a nut that grows out of each fruit. The apple, which starts out yellow and becomes red when ripe, is edible and high in vitamin C, but it’s reportedly not that tasty. Each fruit produces only one nut. If you’ve noticed that you can’t buy unshelled cashews, there’s a reason: the shells are toxic — they contain the same chemical as poison ivy and can cause rashes.
Chestnuts grow on trees in prickly green husks that eventually dry out and split open. It takes a seedling about five years to start producing fruit.
Brazil nuts grow in South American forests in large fruits that can weigh up to four pounds. Inside each fruit are about 10-20 nuts packed like an orange.
Pine nuts are edible seeds that grow in pine cones. Each cone contains about 50 seeds, but they’re hard to harvest, which partially explains why pine nuts are soooo expensive.
The pistachio tree is a desert plant that grows fruit in clusters. When the shells are ripe, they change from green to yellow and split open, revealing the nut. The coolest part? That split often happens with an audible pop.
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”
“No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”
A guy walks into a bar and notices he’s the only one there, apart from the barkeep, who’s on the phone. The barkeep signals him that he’ll be with him in a minute. The guy nods and bellies up to the bar to wait. Suddenly, he hears a little voice say, “Hey, you’re looking pretty sharp today. New suit?” The guy looks around but can’t see anyone else in the place. He hears the voice again. “Seriously…you are looking good, chum. Have you lost weight?” The guy looks around again and still doesn’t see anyone. “Hello?” he asks. “Is someone speaking to me?” “You bet! I just had to say that I thought you were looking just super!” A bunch of other tiny voices suddenly rose in agreement. The guy realizes now that these voices are coming from a bowl of beer nuts on the bar in front of him. He stares at them as the barkeep finally hangs up and comes to serve his only customer. “What’ll you have?” asks the barkeep. “What?… Oh, a pint of ale, I guess”, mutters the guy, still staring at the nuts. He finally looks up at the barkeep drawing his pint. “What’s the deal with these nuts?” he asks. The barkeep brings the guy’s pint over and sets it before him. “They’re complimentary”, he shrugs.
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During a recent job interview they asked me about my previous work experience.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I worked as a pilot but eventually got grounded for taking off too much.
Then I tried teaching but I couldn’t make the grade.
I spent a few years as a Psychiatrist but everyone’s problems drove me crazy.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef–figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn’t have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.
I was a pretty good eye doctor, but I could not stay focused on the job.
I worked a long time as a doctor.
I gave it my best shot, but I didn’t have enough patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it never touched my sole.
The Energizer Battery Company hired me but then expected me to keep going, and going, and going…
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.
Of course, I tried being a secretary, but it turned out not to be my type of work.
My years as an exterminator were pretty good, but I got tired of the rat race.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking even thought it kind of turned me on.
I was a gardener for a while, but I didn’t grow with the job even though I was racking in the money.
My career as a comedian was a stand-up success, but the critics thought I was a big joke.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
You got any ideas? I’m opened for suggestions……maybe you have something that WORKS…..cause I don’t!!
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I’m crazy fore you
You make my heart putt-putt
Suited to a tee
We are a Par-fect couple
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Are you in the mooood for some Utterly Ridiculous Valentine Puns?
A: I’m stuck on you!
A: Because it’s all heart.
A: His ghoul-friend.
A: Ughs and kisses!
A: I find you very attractive.
A: I love you a ton!
A: A Valentiny!
A: You turn me on.
A. Let me call you Tweet heart!
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear
A: Sure, they’re very scent-imental!
A: “I’m sweet on you!”
A; “I love you with all my art!”
A: He fell in love with a pin cushion!
This following card is probably the corniest Valentine Pun of them all!
A: I dot my i’s on you!
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Do ewe know any goat puns?
Goat out there and find the best answers.
You don’t have to be sheepish about it, just bleat out your answers.
I wasn’t kidding around when I told you that you could be a real silly billy.
I don’t billy-ve this.
Some people are trying to ram their answers down our throats.
Things like this really get my goat.
When we pick the best pun we don’t have to lock horns.
I just want to say goat for ewe
thanks for your help!
Meh-eh-eh the force be with ewe!
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Why do the Koch brother’s support Romney?
Koch Brothers spend almost $400 million!!!!!!!!!.
They must believe the election can be bought.
So much for a political system for the people, by the people.
The Democratic Party believes in a system
for the rich by the rich.
Romney’s policies would do a lot to ensure that wealthy people like the Kochs’ never have to pay their fair share (huge saving on estate taxes, reduced personal taxes, fewer taxes on their huge oil and gas companies and lower taxes on investments. ~ most Americans don’t have investments, they have debt. Romney doesn’t seem to get this fact, just ask the 47%.
Part of the reason for so much poverty and such high gas prices are the incredible profits that companies make.
The following is a SAD AND PUNNY commentary on the huge (growing) gap between the rich and the middle class, the high gas prices, Mitt Romney’s policies and the Koch brothers.
With Gas prices so high, upwardly mobile Americans will not even a ford to live in their cars!
Plain and simple, everyone’s fuming over the high cost of gas at the pump and the growing poverty in America!
Romney auto know better than to continue to support tax cuts for the rich. The profits of large corporations and Big Oil Companies are too high. Money needs to be distributed better in our society. I am writing this column so that I might be able to help steer politicians like Romney in the right direction. Otherwise, they are headed on the highway to hell. I am shocked by how much we have been lead astray by those in power. We have been conditioned to believe that this is an acceptable way to live. Putting pressure on your local politicians and aligning ourselves with those that appreciate the damage that has been done, may help us gain real traction.
I don’t acclaim to be an export on this issue, but gimme a brake! I think it’s my civic duty to report these facts. My mercury is rising and I don’t think we should dodge the problem. There are just too many people who can’t a ford to own a home or fill up their car which is a tragedy in America and such a saab story! We are sadly cadilacking in support for the poor. Many homeless people have lost their dignity and are a shell of their former selves. I may be clutching at straws but I’m tired of doing nothing. I’m not too sure which direction America is steering but the current Democratic Party’s way of thinking needs some serious repairs. We need to take this issue wheely seriously, unlike some politicians who take a blinkered perspective and are just fuel of scrap. Many, like Rick Scott, give an automatic response that the homeless and poor are lazy and it’s their fault. We should work hard in order to help shift their attitudes because, quite frankly, I don’t like their tune. Some gas taxes should just be scrapped or reversed. Lately, many car dwelling people are running on empty, are driven to dispair, have no where to turn, and are just plain exhausted. Their dreams of days down on the beach will have to take a back seat for quite a while because they can’t a ford to drive there.
Oil companies and politicians like Romney, in their efforts to drive down costs, have their blinkers on and have ignored the long term consequences of such a strategy. The window of opportunity is closing rapidly. We need to put the pedal to the metal and fire on all cylinders to get things rolling. It would be a great disservice to the poor if we didn’t explore all the avenues open to us. If we work together wheel be able to put pressure on politicians and big oil companies many of whom I’m not a fan of. We need to gear up for a fight to help those in such tire straights and not allow this cause to stall. I hope we can inject more money to help advocasy groups so they can accelerate this one through the courts. Hiring top lawyers may be the key to success and provide a spark of hope. Unfortunately, many of these types of actions get suspended or stalled in the court system.
It’s no use being cranky and continuing to fume about this issue. We need to spring into action inorder to make any kind of dent in this problem! Remember, ‘The Squeaky Wheel Gets the Grease.‘ A good place to start is to form a government panel before our efforts hit the skids. What ever happens, it looks like a bumpy road ahead for gas prices and the poor.
The best solution is to vote for Obama
Unfortunately, I carn’t think of what else to write because I have engine block, so oil leave now…
Your puns would be appreciated!
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Sapulpa administration is proud of their publik edjuukashun system.
Not only is their spelling bad, I heard that their Math teachers have lots of problems, too.
It’s not so much that they made an error, it’s just the principal of it.
They say the worker is suffering from post-grammatic stress disorder.
The Superintendent said it wasn’t a prank, ~ the person who put up the sign was just absent-minded and maybe lost his faculties.
The history teacher just said it was old news.
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Once A Pun A Time…
Decimals have a point.
I’ve failed the mathematics test so many times I lost count.
I didn’t understand the math, so the teacher summed it up for me.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.
A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
He said I was average – but he was just being mean.
My student was late for class, claiming he was in the washroom. I think he was stalling.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
I’m bad at math, so the equation 2n+2n is 4n to me.
Math teachers have lots of problems.
When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.
What did the triangle say to the circle? You’re so pointless.
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I must ad-Mitt that I didn’t know that Mitt Romney’s first name is really Willard!
And where there’s a Willard, there’s a way to screw things up…
or be forgetfull
What a Romnesiac!
I didn’t mean to offend 47% of Americans.
I meant 100%. Right Pawlenty???
Some of Mitt’s most famous quotes:
“I saw my father march with Martin Luther King.” (Romney’s campaign later admitted that they didn’t march on the same day, or in the same city)
“PETA is not happy that my dog likes fresh air.” –on strapping his dog to the top of the car.
“Well, the question is kind of a non sequitur, if you will. And what I mean by that — or a null set.” –after being asked during a Republican debate whether is was a mistake to invade Iraq
“We should double Guantanamo!”
“I’m happy to learn that after I speak you’re going to hear from Ann Coulter. That’s a good thing. I think it’s important to get the views of moderates.” –right before Coulter called John Edwards a “faggot”
Mitt Romney and Lies
‘I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts’. Will Rogers
‘In politics, absurdity is not a handicap’.
A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. Mark Twain
Why does Mitt Romney envy ventriloquists?
Because they can lie without moving their lips.
How can you tell when Mitt Romney is lying?
His lips are moving.
“I am the biggest liar in the world”, said Mitt Romney,.
“No, you’re not,” said Paul Ryan, “I am!”
“Prove it, then,” says Mitt.
Paul says, “Last week I swam UP Niagara falls!”
“I know,” says Mitt, “I saw you.”
Phrases that Describe Mitt Romney as a Liar
Lie by example
Lie your way to the White House
Newsman: “Mr. President, why is it that your opponent, Mitt Romney, spreads such terrible lies about you, while you only say what a good job he’s done as a Governor?”
President Obama: “Maybe we are both lying.”
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I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Velcro — what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.
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