Female Humor
Here’s one to pass on toyour favorite women in your life …AWESOME !!!
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What Women Want ~ King Arthur and the Witch
King Arthur and the Witch:
Young King Arthur
was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?…What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered….is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day….or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below.
BUT….make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.
OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life
Now….what is the moral to this story?
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Pumpkins are Better Than Men
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Sisterhood of Travelling Butterflies
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The Modern Difference Between Men and Women
I thought the following helped to explain the
Modern Difference
Between Men and Women!
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Now, I finally understand women!
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
W. C. Fields
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Understanding Women Quotes should help you understand
The Modern Difference between men and women
Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
Friedrich Nietzsche
A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
Eleanor Roosevelt
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
John Lennon
“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”
? Albert Einstein
I’ve yet to be on a campus where most women weren’t worrying about some aspect of combining marriage, children, and a career. I’ve yet to find one where many men were worrying about the same thing.
Gloria Steinem
Men are April when they woo, December when they wed. Maids are May when they are maids, but the sky changes when they are wives.
William Shakespeare
Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.
Bill Cosby
“She’s a woman, you’re a dude. You’re not supposed to understand her. That’s not what she’s after…. She doesn’t want you to understand her. She knows that’s impossible. She just wants you to understand yourself. Everything else is negotiable.”
? Neal Stephenson, Snow Crash
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Case of the Pregnant Lady
One of the best emails to forward:
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 —
CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at
her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved
again.. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, ‘Well your Honor, it was like this: when
the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her
condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The
Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to
smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!’
… I just lost it.’
‘CASE DISMISSED!!’
Now keep that smile on your face and pass it
on to someone else!
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Smart Girls and Cats
Don’t think that I’m silly for liking it, I just happen to like the simple little things, and I love cats!
— Michelle Gardner
I’m aloof, I like to run around outside, but I also like to curl up in warm spots. I eat fish. — Megan Coughlin on why she’d make a good cat
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Don’t Forget Mother’s Day ~ A Tribute to Women Everywhere
It would be a very bad idea,
so Don’t Forget Mother’s Day!
I think this is one of the neatest things I have ever read. To the women I’m sending this to: Thank you for being you.
The Clock
God doesn’t give you the people you want; He gives you the people you NEED… to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.
I LOVE YOU!!!!!
NOW, YOU’RE ON THE CLOCK!!!!
IN 9 MINUTES SOMETHING WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY,
BUT YOU HAVE TO TELL 9 WOMEN / MOTHERS YOU LOVE THEM …GO!!!!
One Flaw In Women
Women have strengths that amaze men…..
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in..
They stand up to injustice.
They don’t take “no” for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give..
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN MOTHERS / WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
Please pass this along to all your women friends and relatives to remind them just how amazing they are.
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International Women’s Day
March 8th is the 103nd Anniversary of International Women’s Day
Google marks the International Women’s Day with a bright, semi-diaphanous “Doodle.” On Google’s search homepage, the overlapping-letter logo has the universal female symbol stand in for the ”G”; the second “O” has sprouted a marigold-yellow flower; and the usually blue characters are now tinted purple. Both the violet shades and the female Venus symbol visually echo the Women’s Day logo itself.
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Not to be confused with
International Very Good Looking Damn Smart Woman’s Day
March 8th is International Very Good Looking Damn Smart Woman’s Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking Damn Smart Woman.
WOMEN ARE UNIQUE
She can deal with stress and carry heavy burdens.
She smiles when she feels like screaming, and she sings when she feels like crying.
She cries when she’s happy and laughs when she’s afraid. Her love is unconditional.
There’s only one thing wrong with her. She forgets what she’s worth!
Pass this to every woman you know. Remind her that she’s unique.
L-o-v-e Y-o-u!!
Enjoy the simple things.
Laugh often, long and loud.
Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh,
Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh,
spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.
Famous Quotes for Women’s Day!
“The fastest way to change society is to mobilize the women of the world.” ~ Charles Malik
“If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.” ~ Margaret Thatcher
William Congreve, English Playwright
Heaven hath no rage like a love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.
Rudyard Kipling, Author
A woman’s guess is much more accurate than a man’s certainty.
Jules Michelet, French Historian
Woman is a miracle of divine contradictions.
Freya Stark, Author
The great and almost only comfort about being a woman is that one can always pretend to be more stupid than one is and no one is surprised.
Gloria Steinem, American Feminist
Someone once asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.
In honor of International Women’s Day, Google created the following logo last year. Nice!
International Women’s Day (IWD), originally called International Working Women’s Day is marked on March 8 every year.
It is a major day of global celebration of women. In different regions the focus of the celebrations ranges from general celebration of respect, appreciation and love towards women to a celebration for women’s economic, political and social achievements. – source wikipedia
Inspirational Poems for Women
Imagine a Woman
Patricia Lynn Reilly
Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is a woman.
A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories.
Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.
Imagine a woman who trusts and respects herself.
A woman who listens to her needs and desires.
Who meets them with tenderness and grace.
Imagine a woman who acknowledges the past’s influence on the present.
A woman who has walked through her past.
Who has healed into the present.
Imagine a woman who authors her own life.
A woman who exerts, initiates, and moves on her own behalf.
Who refuses to surrender except to her truest self and wisest voice.
Imagine a woman who names her own gods.
A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness.
Who designs a personal spirituality to inform her daily life.
Imagine a woman in love with her own body.
A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is.
Who celebrates its rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.
Imagine a woman who honors the body of the Goddess in her changing body.
A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom.
Who refuses to use her life-energy disguising the changes in her body and life.
Imagine a woman who values the women in her life.
A woman who sits in circles of women.
Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.
Imagine yourself as this woman.
Mind is the master power that molds and makes,
And we are Mind, and evermore we take
The tool of thought, and shaping what we will,
Bring forth a thousand joys, a thousand ills,
We think in secret, and it comes to pass -
Our world is but our looking glass.
– James Allen
Beautiful woman,
come out and play,
reveal your inner treasures.
The sparkle in your eyes,
the natural swing in your walk,
you radiate excitement and enthusiasm.
You need no latest fashion,
No expensive hair cuts,
No blinding big accessories.
You glow in your passions,
passionate in your pursuits,
you know what you are made of.
You are not easily bothered,
by the mindless opinions of others,
you know very well where you want to go.
you are a joy to watch,
an inspiration to others,
your pure soul an endless marvel.
Beautiful woman,
let your brilliance shine through,
your eyes speak of true inner beauty.
Fion Lim
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( Google Pegwoman )
For more info, click on the following links:
Google: Join Women on the Bridge Event http://joinmeonthebridge.org/
http://www.internationalwomensday.com/
